Learning to Breathe
by Lady Hydrangea
Summary: He was her mentor; it was expected that she would look up to him, respect him, and form an attachment. But for whatever reason, this felt different. In all honesty, she didn't know how to stop it. Worse, she knew she didn't want to. SpockUhura.
1. Everything Is Changed

**A/N: I saw the new Star Trek movie for the first time about a week ago (I know, I'm late to the party, but better late than never, right?) and the idea of Spock and Uhura's relationship intrigued me. This fic started mainly as a way for me to explore how these characters could have conceivably been brought together, despite it clearly being against Starfleet regulation (I mean, he was her instructor…) Anyway, this is set during the three-year time break that is skipped in the movie.**

Chapter 1 – Everything Is Changed

"_Everything is changed_

_Except for this sickening feeling_

_Inside that I can't seem to shake_

_Cause this love I have for you_

_I wish it were fake"_

* * *

"Great. Just great."

"What is it?"

"Freaking fantastic."

"I can't see! What is it?"

With clear annoyance, she tapped twice on the bulletin.

"We're going to middle of nowheresville Iowa."

Red eyebrows pulled into a frown.

"Why?"

"Because nothing's there and they use the empty space for constructing new ships. And we need to learn how these things are put together for Advanced Engineering. And we'll probably be picking up new recruits."

"Maybe it won't be so bad," she said brushing a curl away from her face, "Think of it as a field trip! Not to mention, if we do get any new recruits, we might get some new guys…"

"Gaila, come on, neither of us will ever need to know how to take a ship's engine apart and put it back together. And who cares about new guys? Besides, I'd rather not miss my Advanced Xenophonology class."

"Yeah, I bet," she said raising her eyebrows suggestively

"I don't know what you're getting at."

Her friend smiled, causing a shocking contrast of sparking white teeth against bright green skin. Her pink lips pursed together for a moment and her eyes sparked with mischief. But the Orion seemed to realize this was a conversation that she shouldn't pursue.

"Oh, Nyota, calm down, it was just a joke."

"Hilarious," she said mildly as they headed back to the room.

Nyota punched the room code into the door and it unlocked with an audible click and whirred open. Upon entering, a wave of smells overtook her, mainly Gaila's flowery perfume and the faint smell of fresh laundry. Nyota wrinkled her nose.

"There's nothing wrong with it, Nyota!" Gaila insisted, "I mean, _everyone_ gets crushes on their instructors."

"No, they don't. And neither do I," she said very matter-of-factly while ducking into the bathroom to collect a toothbrush.

"I mean, what _I_ don't get," her friend ignored the denial, "Is why you'd be interested in _Commander Spock_."

Nyota stared at her reflection. She could see the annoyance in her own dark eyes. She wasn't _interested_. There was nothing inappropriate about her relationship with the commander. He had been her instructor for the past year and a half. She was a second year student and he was a member of the Starfleet Academy personnel. There was nothing but mutual awareness and respect. He was her mentor. And there was nothing wrong with that. It was…perfectly adequate.

She sighed and smoothed her long dark hair and opened the medicine cabinet. She shook her head and grabbed her toothbrush. The only reason she was disappointed about missing her class tomorrow was because she didn't want to fall behind. She had ambitions to be assigned to the USS Enterprise. She couldn't afford to miss any classes and miss out on any information. It had nothing to do with who was teaching the course.

"I feel like you'd get more out of talking to the wall than him."

"That's not true," Nyota said pulling her rucksack from underneath her bed, "You just have to ask him the right questions."

"And that hair! Why would he purposefully get that haircut? No sense of style. None."

"It's the traditional style of his race, Gaila," she said with a defeated sigh.

"Well, I think it looks stupid," she said flipping through a magazine.

"You should be packing."

"I will," she said lightly, "We have time."

"We leave tomorrow at 0600 hours."

"And we're only going to be there for two days. I'll pack light."

Nyota paused. The two had _very_ definitions of what packing light meant. Gaila would be scrambling tomorrow and as always, Nyota would somehow manage to get her and her roommate out the door on time. It was a skill she was becoming quite proud of.

"Well," Nyota said, "I'm going to drop off my homework to Commander Spock and my notes to Captain Becker.

"Have fun," she said in a singsong voice.

Nyota left the dorm and stepped into the San Francisco heat. The sun was just starting to dip below the horizon. Commander Spock would most likely be in the Acoustical Engineering lab. Carrying her PADD, Nyota walked across campus shoving Gaila's words out of her head. Despite being so flighty, Gaila somehow always knew how to press the right buttons. Nyota refused to examine why her roommate's words bothered her so much.

She entered the engineering lab and heard the gentle tapping of fingers against a touch-screen monitor. Spock sat at attention at the first station, perfectly alert and focused on the sounds coming out of the monitor. Judging from the phonetics it sounded like an Andorian dialect. She walked to the station and stood at attention. He would acknowledge her when he was ready so she decided not to interrupt. The sound clip finished playing and the commander touched the monitor a few times and then stood and clasped his hands behind his back.

"Cadet Uhura," he said politely, "Your presence here is somewhat unexpected."

She looked up at him and smiled faintly. He looked back at her coolly and tilted his head slightly, waiting for her to speak. She took out her PADD.

"I wanted to be able to give you my assignment in person. I won't be in class tomorrow due to a trip to-"

"To the shipyard in Iowa," he finished, "Yes, I was aware. However, as I am sure you know, it would have been perfectly acceptable for you to hand this in electronically."

Nyota smiled sheepishly, "I know. Think of it as a testament to my commitment to this course."

He raised one delicately arched eyebrow and nodded.

"Your effort is noted. If I may?"

She handed him the PADD and he hooked it up to the machine with an audible click. His monitor beeped twice and he unhooked the device.

"I have successfully received your document."

"Thank you, Commander."

He nodded once, "Is there anything else with which you require assistance?"

She looked up at him and quickly studied his features, memorized them. She followed his arched eyebrows down to dark brown eyes that studied her impassively. They were indecipherable and she could never stop herself from wondering what he was thinking when he studied her like this. She moved from his strong cheekbones to his prominent jaw and then rested on his mouth. Not wanting to seem like she was staring, she flicked her eyes back to his quickly and smiled politely.

"No sir," she said quietly.

"Then good luck with your trip tomorrow. I trust the experience will be educationally valuable."

"Yes sir."

She knew their conversation was over, so she looked at his face again quickly, ignoring any lingering disappointment that she would not be seeing him for a while. She chided herself that it would only be a couple of days, turned and quickly left the lab, leaving Spock with his Andorian translations. She left the Science and Engineering building and sat on a bench outside. With a sigh, she got out her PADD. A few clicks later, and her notes were successfully emailed to Captain Becker.

She sighed and looked out at the Golden Gate Bridge. She hadn't been lying when she told Gaila that there was nothing inappropriate regarding her relationship with her instructor. Her growing attachment to him, however…that was toeing the line. And moving closer to being inappropriate. She sighed and looked up at the sky. He was her mentor; it was expected that she would look up to him, respect him, and form an attachment. But for whatever reason, this felt different. In all honesty, she didn't know how to stop it. Worse, she knew she didn't want to.

* * *

"Gaila."

The tiny room was filled with an incessant beeping.

"Gaila!"

"Okay, okay! What is it?"

The Orion bolted up and hurled a pillow at Nyota, who caught it with her free hand. The other held up an alarm clock to Gaila's face.

"It's 05:34. The alarm has been going off for the past half hour," she said evenly

Despite typically being slow in the mornings, Gaila bolted out of bed and the room was filled with a whirlwind of activity.

"Why didn't you wake me?" she cried

"I was in the shower," she said stifling a yawn.

Gaila glared as if this was somehow her roommate's fault and continued to hurl objects into her rucksack. Nyota watched her pack various hairstyling products and face crèmes.

"Is all of that really necessary?"

"Don't be so judgmental!" she chided, "Just because I've made a commitment to Starfleet doesn't mean I have to look disgusting."

She looked at Nyota very pointedly. Nyota laughed. Gaila had tried futilely to teach Nyota the importance of moisturizing and good foundation. However, she had never really felt the need for it and mostly ignored her roommate's attempts. Nyota yawned and gave Gaila a five-minute warning. Despite her roommate's pleas and protests, they were both out the door on time and arrived at the hangar with two minutes to spare. Gaila was clearly both frustrated and tired, but did not fail to pick up on Nyota's dour mood.

"Nyota?" she said as she poked her friend in the ribs.

"Buckle up," she responded

Gaila paused and watched her friend look out of the aircraft's window. From her seat, Nyota had a clear view of the Xenolingustics building.

"You know…" Gaila said slowly, "Advanced Xenophonology will be there when you get back."

Nyota nodded imperceptibly and ignored the statement as the ship's engine roared to life.

* * *

"The first thing you need to know about a ship's engine," the instructor began, "Is the power system."

Nyota breathed in deeply and tried to clear her mind. Whatever the reason for her disposition this morning, it was less important that her own aspirations. For a moment, she thought of her father. He had been a medical attendant for Starfleet and had disappeared during a deep space mission. Nyota had never given much thought to joining Starfleet before, but her adoration for her father coupled with his disappearance cemented her ambitions. A part of her longed to see him, but she knew the likelihood of survival in deep space after losing contact with the rest of Starfleet was less than minimal. She would never see him again. Which was why she had to succeed. She had an unappeasable desire to be worthy of his legacy. There would be no distractions.

"First off, spacecrafts need an electrical power generation and distribution system to power the craft in addition to its various subsystems. One clever thing is that most of Starfleet's crafts are outfitted with solar panels in order to generate solar power that can be used to generate electricity for the subsystems. However, powering the main _engine_ that's a different subject all together-"

Gaila poked Nyota and asked for a quick explanation. She condensed everything as best she could and watched Gaila's blank face as the information flew over her head. She smiled and said she would explain it all later. Gaila heaved a sigh of relief and went back to making eyes at a human cadet a couple feet away. Nyota could almost smell the pheromones Gaila was letting off. Any male in a five-foot radius didn't have a chance at paying attention to the lecture.

"Now can anyone tell me the importance of thermal control? And I'm not talking about the A/C," the instructor paused as the half-hearted chuckles quickly died, "Yes, Cadet Uhura."

"The craft needs to withstand transit through atmospheres and space environment so it needs to be able to endure temperatures ranging across hundreds of degrees of Celsius, not to mention plasmas. High melting temperature elements like reinforced carbon are needed to protect the hull."

"Precisely, although you neglect to mention specific radiative properties of elements. This allows for active thermal control."

Gaila was licking her lips at the cadet now. Nyota rolled her eyes. She suspected that yet again she would not be able to return to the room until late that evening. Her suspicions were entirely correct when after the day's final lecture, she tried to return to the room and was immediately halted from opening the door after hearing a low pitched moan. Apparently Gaila and her new friend had opted to skip the final lecture in favor of more…extra-curricular activities.

Unfortunately for Nyota, her roommate had a sexual appetite that was not easily sated and would most likely claim the room until the early hours of the morning. Nyota felt a pang of longing to be back at school. In cases like this, she would usually go to one of the linguistics labs and kill time picking up radio transmissions for translation. At the moment, she could understand the majority of federation languages, and it was admittedly due mostly to being forced to study late into the night. Oddly enough, she didn't mind that part so much, especially when Commander Spock also happened to spend late hours in the labs.

Commander Spock.

Nyota shook her head. It was time to let off some steam. It seemed most of the other cadets were treating the weekend lesson plan as what Gaila called a "field trip". And after classes were over, the only thing left to do in the middle of nowhere, Iowa was get obliterated at the local bar. That, like languages, was well within her realm of expertise. So, with a self-satisfied smile, she headed to the local (read: only) bar.

Even before entering the bar, she could hear the music thrumming. She pushed the doors open and felt the bass beat through her veins. This felt good. The room was filled with cadets, who were pleased to see her and jokingly asked if she would be singing tonight. Nyota quickly declined, all too aware of her tendency to monopolize karaoke after too many drinks.  
Determined to eliminate all vestiges of Commander Spock from her mind, she ordered seven different drinks, most of which she had never heard of before, but held the promise of harsh, bitter, and most importantly, strong, liquor.

"That's a lot of drinks for one woman," a voice slurred.

Nyota peered past an alien on the bar stool next to her and saw a pair of drunk blue eyes staring back at her. The last thing she was interested in was unwanted male attention. So she ordered another drink.

While he talked, she downed one of her drinks. He asked her name, which she denied him immediately. She felt her first drink buzz through her and the only thing she could think of was how he was the furthest thing from what she wanted. The closest thing on the other hand was probably much more…Vulcan. She quickly chased that thought from her mind and he sat next to her. He asked for her major and she gave it testily. She thought back to the advanced phonology course she was missing.

He made poor attempts at flirting with her until a fellow cadet tapped her on her shoulder and asked if he was bothering her. She answered honestly that he was, but that he was nothing she couldn't handle. She downed another drink and her thoughts came to her in hazy drips.

Morphology. Phonology. Syntax.

Advanced Xenophonology.

Just think of it as a testament to my commitment to this course.

Commander Spock.

She looked into the bottom of her third drink and was pulled out of reverie by raised voices. The situation between the townie and the cadets was quickly getting worse. She frowned, sensing that this was going to get out of control imminently. In one quick motion, the cadet had the townie clutching the bar to stay on his feet and bleeding from the lip. She shouted at them to stop it. She stood quickly and the room slid out of focus for a moment before snapping back into place. She shook her head and wished she was sober enough to stop the bar fight that was happening in front of her. It was stupid. Irrational.

He was hit back into her and clutched at her chest. Rage flared inside her and she hit him as hard as she could. Another cadet took over and kicked him in the gut. She heard a beer bottle break across someone's face and she shouted for them to stop. How could they allow themselves to get so carried away? Become so…illogical?

A loud whistle cut through the noise. Nyota bit her lip. It was Captain Pike. He told them to leave the bar immediately.

It was a spectacular ending to what she had been hoping would be an unremarkable evening. She knew punishments would be handed out in the morning. Right now, all she wanted was to pass out in her bed and finally allow her mind to wander where it would. Gaila's friend had left and she was getting into bed. Nyota crawled into bed without changing out of her uniform, feeling mentally exhausted. It was difficult to keep her mind from wandering places it shouldn't.

"Rough night?" Gaila asked sympathetically

"You have no idea," Nyota sighed

The lights went out and Nyota buried her face in her pillow.

"Gaila."

"Hm?"

"You said everyone gets crushes on their instructors, right?"

There was a long silence. Truthfully, Gaila had been joking when she made that comment. She had said it to play off of Nyota's embarrassment. Gaila had no idea that Nyota legitimately had feelings for her instructor. She had assumed that Nyota was attached because she saw Commander Spock as a mentor. She never would have guessed that she was actually interested.

"Of course," Gaila said slowly, "Why?"

"It's not important."

Her infatuation with Commander Spock could jeopardize all her ambitions. If she ever faltered and allowed emotions to take hold…she couldn't afford any distractions. But at the same time she knew she wouldn't be able to ignore this bitter sense of longing and the dull ache of unrequited affection. She never would have thought this could happen. But something about Commander Spock had resonated with her sense of duty, intellectual discipline and devotion. He had afforded her something she very rarely received. He had judged her work for what it was, and deemed it worthy. Judged _her_ for what she was, fairly and unemotionally, and judged her valuable. His approval had been one of the most gratifying feelings of her life. He respected her for her abilities - nothing else - and in doing so had reaffirmed her own sense of worth. His harsh criticism that broke other students only served to cause her to seek out his approval as an indication of personal merit.

Nyota bit her lip and stared at the ceiling.

"Is it Commander Spock?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Gaila."

Despite his detached stoicism, he was thoughtful, kind, and even funny at times, even if it was unintentionally so. And under all his cold logic and mental arithmetic that he judged every situation with, she felt an unbelievable loneliness coming from him. She could feel it because it was the same aching feeling she felt when she was in the lab late at night all by herself, thinking of her father and wondering if she would amount to anything. And then _he_ would be there, doing late night work in the lab. He would say nothing, only nod at her presence and sit at a station close to her, but not so close that they would interfere with one another's work. And when he was there, the biting loneliness she felt would ease. And there they would work, early into the morning, at the edge of one another's existence, until Commander Spock would gently tap her shoulder and inform her that she had fallen asleep at her station exactly 7.4 minutes ago. Without realizing it, the commander's presence became something she relied on, and her feelings had grown so organically that she hadn't even noticed. She had tried to ignore it and keep it from interfering with her work, but she was only human, and apparently Vulcans had a monopoly on controlling emotion.

Tentatively, she quietly whispered his name into the dark.

"Spock."

It left a bittersweet taste in her mouth.

* * *

**A/N: And there's chapter one! Love it? Hate it? Lemme know what you think, I rely a lot on constructive criticism when writing. Oh, and if anyone's interested, the little drabble that I put at the beginning of the chapter came from something I saw on the website weheartit, so I claim no ownership of it (thus the quotation marks). I plan on using short little drabbles at the start of each chapter. Most likely, none of these will be my own. Many will probably come from song lyrics or weheartit. It's a great site; I highly recommend you check it out. If anyone wants to know the specifics of where I get the quotes (or if you want to claim ownership), message me and I'll do my best to oblige. Thanks for reading!**


	2. The Silence Screams the Truth

**A/N: I would like to start off by thanking everyone who reviewed my story or added it to their alert list (also a big thank you to those who faved it or added me to their favorite authors). Your support truly means a lot to me. It is what inspired me to upload chapter two so fast. I had been planning more rounds of edits, so it may not be perfect, but I didn't want to keep anyone waiting. Thanks again for the support.**

**Disclaimer: This is not mine.**

Chapter 2 – The Silence Screams the Truth

"_She throws another glass,_

_Just to hear the noise._

_The silence screams the truth,_

_She is trying so hard to avoid…"_

_

* * *

_

James T. Kirk could not take a hint. More than that, he was incapable of understanding her complete lack of interest even when she spelled it out for him. Uhura could not help but feel a deep seeded resentment for him. The knowledge that she was attracted to one of her instructors was something she would've preferred never learning, but the night she met Kirk forced her to acknowledge the feelings she had hidden from herself. Therefore, her current levels of stress and anxiety were completely his fault. Her logic was seamless.

He was the complete opposite of Commander Spock in every way. He was loud, brash, and cocky. The disciplinary system was a joke to him and he was vulgar and uncouth. Clearly, putting a reckless, bar-fighting rebel into a Starfleet uniform did nothing to change that. Not to mention he was probably a walking petri dish of sexually transmitted infections. He was not worthy of her time.

Despite his clear inferiority, he somehow managed to hold her attention. Granted, so did a car wreck, and she could see the similarities between the two. Kirk was an accident waiting to happen and would probably end going up in flames. She predicted he would flunk out within a semester. However, he was currently defying her expectations. He treated courses like they were a waste of his time and was somehow pulling off top marks. Courses that she had put hours of time in to achieve the same results. It was infuriating.

"So, how are we today, Uhura?"

She ignored him and scribbled down an equation for her quantum chemistry homework.

"You know, I never did get that first name."

She looked up at him and saw a cocky smile contrasted with bright blue eyes that seemed to be pleading with her to put aside her contempt for one day. Today would not be that day.

"And you won't be getting it any time soon," she said shortly, flipping a page of her textbook

"I know," he said, "How about this."

She glanced up and raised her eyebrows.

"I'll take you on a date in exchange for your name."

She snapped her book shut and began packing up her things.

"What? That's a fair deal! Hey, you never know," he said with a cocky smile, "you might even get lucky."

She glared at him.

"You're an asshole, Kirk."

"Hey now, I think I'm more classy than your common asshole."

"Kirk, I'm pretty sure the only way I'd be able to stand being around you for more than five minutes is if I had a lobotomy."

"I know some great doctors."

"Thanks, but no thanks."

She left the classroom she had been working in and he trotted to keep up with her brisk pace.

"You know, I think you'd be surprised, Uhura."

"And why is that?"

"Because you and I are more alike than you think, and you have no idea what you're in for. I don't believe in no-win scenarios."

She halted and stared at him.

"You and I are _nothing_ alike," she said with clear disdain.

He grinned, "Well, I have another three years to change your mind, don't I."

"Don't hold your breath."

He just smiled that infuriating smirk and his blue eyes sparked with defiance. She stormed away from him and this time he didn't follow her. She finally slowed down when she reached the atrium of the Astronomy department. A model of the solar system was in the center. She walked up to the globe of earth and hit it unnecessary force, breaking the silence of the afternoon. The entire solar system started moving frantically, demonstrating the rotation and revolution of the planets. She sighed and sat down on the bench near the doors leading outside. The iron joints of the model groaned as it slowed.

Orange shafts of light from the setting sun spread across the tiled floors. Illuminated platelets of dust floated lazily around the replica of the solar system. She watched the model of the moon lazily revolve around the earth. Considering his constant presence, James Kirk was like her very own satellite. As much as she hated it, she couldn't help but notice his constant presence.

She hated his arrogant smile, but couldn't ignore the unwelcome warmth she felt in the pit of her stomach when he grinned from ear to ear at her. She had never seen Commander Spock smile. The closest she had ever been to seeing his smile was a small self-satisfied smirk when he was absorbed in his work. Being interested in Commander Spock meant heartbreak. It meant that for the next three years, her academics would be overshadowed by the sensation of being eaten inside out by longing. That did no one any good.

She sighed. Maybe it would be best for everyone if she just caved to James Kirk. She would probably be too busy trying not to kill Kirk to be heartsick, he would get a new flavor of the month and Spock would continue to live his life like he always had, because she meant nothing to him.

"Nyota!"

She glanced up and saw a green face beaming at her. Gaila almost skipped down the hall to her.

"What are you doing here, Gaila?"

"Getting help with astrophysics," she said making a face, "I don't like this theoretical stuff. Computers are so much _easier_ you know? It's so much simpler to understand something when it's right in front of me."

Nyota laughed, "Well, don't ask me for help, astrophysics was hell for me last semester."

"The grade you got says otherwise," she said with a grimace

"You're welcome to taking a look at my old notes. I keep all of them."

Gaila nodded and glanced over at Nyota.

"So…how's Xenophenology?"

Nyota's face went blank, "It's the same as ever."

Gaila wasn't buying it. She had noticed her roommate's anxiousness over the past couple of weeks. As the days passed, she had looked more and more exhausted. Her nerves were obviously frazzled. More than that, she seemed sad. Gaila pretended she didn't know that it was because of Nyota's secret infatuation with a certain instructor. Apparently it was taking a toll on her roommate because she was becoming lethargic and moody.

"Gaila."

"Hm?"

"There's a first year cadet who's interested in me."

Gaila raised her eyebrow.

"I expected more of a response than that," Nyota said pointedly.

Her friend laughed, "Okay, well…does he have a nice ass?"

Nyota scoffed, "That's more the reaction I was expecting. And to be honest, I don't know. I never get a chance to see it because I'm always running away from him."

Gaila frowned, "And you're considering dating him…?"

"I guess," she said with mild disgust, "I might as well, right?"

"That…doesn't really sound like a ringing endorsement. Is he ugly?"

Nyota stared at her blankly.

"I bet that's it. He's ugly, isn't he?"

"No, Gaila, he's not ugly," Nyota snapped, "What's wrong with him is that he's a self-centered, egotistical, asshole who thinks he's god's gift to Starfleet. He's reckless, rude, and has no work ethic. And the only reason I'm considering going out with him is because he has this _stupid_ smile that makes me think, 'maybe he's not so bad'. But then he starts talking and I realize, yes, he is that bad. In fact, he's worse. And even more horrible, he said that he and _I _are _similar_."

"Maybe you are."

"No," she replied defiantly, "We're not. He may be equally as ambitious, but he's like a blunt instrument. To be completely honest, a part of me actually _loathes_ him. I refuse to even tell him my first name. I feel like he's made everything I've worked so hard for into a complete mockery."

"Okay…" she said dubiously, "And you're…going to date that?"

Nyota inhaled sharply, "I've considered it."

Gaila raised an eyebrow, "Are you feeling alright, Nyota? You've been acting weird for the past couple of weeks."

"I just…I don't want to waste my time on something I shouldn't, you know? Maybe I should just accept what's being given to me and not complain."

Gaila looked at her roommate, who was burying her face in her hands. She looked completely exhausted and defeated. Whoever this guy was, he knew how to get under her skin. If Gaila hadn't been so concerned for her friend's mental health, she would have been impressed. It took considerable effort to shake Nyota up this much. Or maybe it was because she was depressed about her unrequited affections. Nyota had more drama going on in her life right now than the soap operas Gaila watched every afternoon at four.

"Nyota," Gaila said patiently, sitting down next her on the bench, "There's no wrong with wanting something more. I don't know what's been bothering you, but I'm worried. You look like you're at your wits end. I won't pretend to know what's going on in your head, but maybe you should stop running away from whatever it is you're trying to avoid."

"Are you speaking metaphorically? Or are you telling me not to physically run away from Kirk?"

"Is that his name?" Gaila said with curiosity, "Well, if you didn't run away, you'd finally get a look at his ass…"

"Gaila," Nyota said testily

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Jeez Nyota, you really need to get laid," she said defensively, "It's your life you know. You can do whatever you want."

Her friend was silent.

"You can do whatever you want," she repeated for emphasis.

Nyota took her hands away from her face with a grimace.

"You can do _who_ever you want."

"Gaila," Nyota laughed, "Get your head out of the gutter."

She laughed, "Well, it got you to smile, didn't it?"

Nyota grinned sheepishly.

"You know," Gaila said, "I think for cheering you up, you owe me homework help as a reward."

Nyota sighed with defeat, "Alright, alright. I've been unproductive enough for the past week. Let's do this now, I want to go to the acoustical engineering lab later tonight."

* * *

Nyota stared at the door of the acoustical engineering lab. She didn't even know if he was in there but she couldn't quite bring herself to go in. She had been avoiding this place for the past couple of weeks. Had he noticed? What if she was acting weird around him? If he found out…she didn't know what she would do if he found out. He was always so astute. He could pick up on the smallest change in habit. For Commander Spock, life was in the details. He didn't miss a thing. Not to mention he analyzed everything. Nyota knew he was more than capable of figuring out her feelings.

She bit her lip. But she needed to do this. She had been distracted in class for the past week and was falling behind. Her academics were on the line. She knew she needed to get over this and opening the door was the first step. Not to mention she had been yearning to see him, as much as she hated to admit it. She had felt lonely without his presence. She missed his straightforward attitude, his honesty and the way he raised his eyebrow at her when she did something he deemed to be 'illogical' or the way he clasped his arms behind his back when standing over his notes. She wanted to see him again.

She inhaled deeply and punched the door code in and it slid open.

And there he was. He was sitting at his usual station with his back perfectly straight, touching the monitor occasionally. She steadied her breathing and entered the room. He looked up at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Cadet Uhura, I am surprised to see you here."

With his stoic, blank face, he didn't look at all surprised. Nyota figured she'd take his word for it.

"Yes, I know. I've been very…distracted lately, so I haven't been able to come here as often as I'd like. I thought I'd make the effort to stop by today though because I've been struggling in class."

"Indeed," he replied, "Your average has dropped three percent in the past two weeks. And your efficiency in class has also declined significantly. It would be unwise of you to allow your personal distractions to interfere with your academics."

She smiled weakly, "I'm working on it."

"If you require any assistance, I am more than willing to help you."

She nodded slowly, "Yes, please."

"Please, take a seat," he gestured slightly to the seat next to him and then turned to the monitor.

He tapped it a few times and pulled up a new screen.

She walked to the chair and felt her heart pounding in her chest. She clenched her fist until her nails bit into her skin to control her heart rate. She sat down and looked at the screen and tried to concentrate. It was an alien alphabet. The characters were aligned in orderly rows.

"Are they arranged in the alphabetical order or phonetically?" he quizzed

"Phonetically. As you go from left to right, each symbol gains additional details, indicating a variation on the sound."

He nodded and tapped the monitor. The first row of symbols took over the screen. There was an audio clip. He hit play so she would hear the variations on the phonetics. She watched him carefully while he explained the subtleties and how they were based in small regional cultural differences.

But her mind was far away from Xenolinguistics. She watched his well-shaped mouth form the words that she only partially heard. Kirk or not, she wouldn't be able to forget Spock. Her heart ached. How could she have even compared the two? It didn't matter to her if Spock never smiled like Kirk did. Perhaps that was less than what she deserved, but she didn't care.

Spock offered meaning. Despite his apparent detachment, he held the vague promise of something real. That was something she needed. She liked to think that she was perfectly fine being on her own. She was wholly independent, and she like that about herself. She didn't want to have to compromise that, but she also wanted someone beside her when she thought she couldn't make it any further. She needed Spock; she knew it from the way she felt when she was with him. Whenever he was there, she somehow managed to find the energy and strength she didn't know was there to keep going through the rigorous coursework of Starfleet Academy. Many cadets had dropped out by the end of the first year. Not only had she managed to avoid flunking out, she had actually excelled. And she didn't think it was a coincidence that her best subject was the one he happened to teach.

So even if her dependence on him was one-sided, Nyota knew that Spock offered something deeper than Kirk could. Not only that, but he valued her solely for who she was and the work she produced. That aspect of her dynamic with Spock inspired a sentiment Nyota could only describe as relief. Nyota was used to working under a constant level of stress. Being around Spock was – as cliché as it sounded – a breath of fresh air. He made her feel worthwhile. Kirk couldn't measure up to that.

She felt a mix of dismay and elation. She was relieved and elated to know that her feelings for Spock were real and that the advances of Kirk, no matter how assertive, could not change that. On the other hand, she felt her heart drop to her stomach because any relation between her and Commander Spock was strictly against regulation. He lived within the structure that was given to him. Thrived in it. Uhura could not imagine him operating outside of it. Not to mention it would jeopardize both of their careers. This would not work. Could not work. Ever. She frowned.

"Do you require me to go over the material again?"

She blinked, "Sorry?"

"Your silence does not seem to suggest a comprehension of the subject matter," he said slowly.

While his face seemed mostly blank, his eyes watched her dubiously. He raised an eyebrow when she didn't answer him. Uhura mentally kicked herself. Judging from the look in his eyes, he was probably wondering what the hell had happened to his top student. She was quickly losing all the respect she had worked so hard to earn. It seemed terribly ironic, that her devotion had caused her to work so hard to win his esteem. Now that same devotion was destroying it all in seconds. It seemed cruel that over a year's worth of work could be wrecked so easily, especially when she had always had the best of intentions.

"I'm so sorry, Commander," she said almost frantically, "I've had trouble focusing lately. If I could just listen to the audio file one more time-"

She quickly reached towards the monitor to tap play but his hand was already there. She froze as her fingers brushed his. She felt an unnatural jolt of electricity rush through her at the sensation of skin against skin. Her heart raced uncontrollably and she felt her face get hot. She felt the blood rush to her head and her vision whited out for a moment. There was a heavy and profound moment of silence and Nyota quickly snatched her hand away in confusion. She clenched it tight. Her hand still felt warm where his fingers had brushed hers.

She bit her lip and tried to process what had just happened. Her head was spinning and she was fairly certain it wasn't from having innocently brushed fingers with Commander Spock. She inhaled feebly. Nyota was unaware of the extent of Vulcan touch telepathy, but was fairly certain that Vulcans were perfectly capable of picking up strong human emotions through touch. More likely than not, this was the reason her head was still spinning. She had always noticed that Spock was always very careful to keep a boundary of personal space from others, whether it was because he didn't want to inadvertently invade someone else's mind or because he required his own space, she didn't know. She could only hope that Spock's half-human ancestry would mute whatever advanced mental abilities Vulcans possessed. What exactly had he learned when their hands had met?

She exhaled slowly and forced herself to look at his face. She had to know. The moment she met his eyes, she could tell. He knew, but how much she wasn't certain. Nyota had no idea how much of her feelings had been transferred. Which of her feelings had he learned? The appropriate or the wildly inappropriate? Her stomach was in knots. Spock simply regarded her evenly. Nyota knew that she had a look of panic and terror on her face. They were at an impasse. Cards were on the table now (which cards, she didn't know) and Nyota could feel her world slowly crumbling. She wasn't sure if it was because she had destroyed her academic or personal life, or both.

She couldn't take the silence. She couldn't decipher the look in his eyes. She saw a few emotions swimming in the dark recesses of his pupils. Surprise, mostly, with some confusion, along with an emotion she couldn't place. It seemed to be a mix of melancholy and disappointment. Despite her hardest efforts it had come to this. How could this have happened? She had been trying so hard to keep him from learning. She had stopped coming to the lab, she had kept a disinterested distance from him both in and outside the classroom. She supposed that even she could not have foreseen this happening. It was a cruel twist of fate. She wanted to scream at the injustice of it. She never wanted anything more than to be by his side, even if only as a student, to work for the small moments of his approval. She had never asked for anything more than that. When she couldn't stand the heavy silence anymore, she slowly stood. The legs of her chair scraped loudly on the linoleum floor.

"I think I should go," she said faintly, "Thank you for your time, Commander."

He didn't even afford her his classic eyebrow raise. He simply watched her blankly. She felt her chest tighten. The expressionless look on his face hurt worse than the humiliation. It smacked of rejection and forced her to realize the naïveté of her longing. She felt her eyes water. She bit her lip again. She would _not_ cry here. There was no reason for such a shameful display of emotion. It would serve only to heighten the humiliation of the moment, to emphasize the feeling of rejection.

She exhaled faintly and weakly pushed in her chair. She turned abruptly on her heel as she almost ran out of the room.

She afforded herself one glance over her shoulder at him. She shouldn't have bothered. He sat in his chair, with perfect posture with his hands on his lap. He was expressionless. He said nothing. He only watched her turn and leave, her shoulders slumped in defeat as the door shut behind her.

* * *

Nyota returned to her room. Thankfully, Gaila wasn't there. If Nyota hadn't felt so numb, she would've been surprised that her roommate wasn't there with yet another boy. She sat on her bed for a while and stared at her feet. She rubbed her eyes and stumbled into the bathroom.

She looked at her reflection and for the first time in weeks, she noticed how tired she looked. There were dark circles under her eyes, and her cheeks seemed sallow. She felt worn out and definitely looked it. At this point, she felt too exhausted to even cringe at the thought of what had just transpired. She welcomed this feeling of exhaustion. She wanted to feel the numbness of fatigue and the mental quiet that would come with it. And if she were exhausted, she would have an excuse to stay home tomorrow and avoid the problems that she never should have concerned herself with anyway. She didn't even have to try and block out the heartache. She didn't even feel it. She preferred it that way.

She peeled off her clothes and threw them in a messy pile in the corner of the bathroom. She turned on the shower and stepped under the hot water. She shut her eyes tight and sat on the floor of the shower. She felt the warm water pelt her back and let her mind go blank.

She sat under the shower and waited until it ran out of hot water.

* * *

**A/N: And there is chapter two! Like I said, it's a little rougher than chapter one because I spent less time on it. I'm sorry if anything was a bit unclear (I know the portion with Spock making mental contact with Uhura was a little jumbled). But I've started working on chapter three, so that should end up being of good quality. Let me know what you think. I'd love confirmation or disproving of my assessment of the quality of the chapter haha. As always, thanks for reading.**


	3. Pulling Me Back

**A/N: So now we have chapter three! It's a little longer than the other ones, so I hope it isn't overly wordy. Anyway, this one features more of Spock. I have to admit; I had been trying to put this off for a while. The idea of writing from his perspective is very daunting, because while he is very stoic and restrained, he has an incredible amount of emotional depth, which is challenging to write. But it needed to be done haha, so here we are. I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone for showing their support of this story. Those who review, thank you so much. It means a lot to me. It makes me happy that I can share this with all of you.**

**Disclaimer: Oddly enough, I do not own Star Trek.**

Chapter Three – Pulling Me Back

"_I want to stay away,_

_And keep distance,_

_But everything about you,_

_Is pulling me back."_

* * *

Spock had just violated one of the most basic Vulcan ethical constraints by using his advanced mental abilities on an unwilling participant. Granted, she had not explicitly stated that she was against such an invasion of her most private thoughts, but he was morally culpable nonetheless. The look on her face, which Spock had interpreted as fear based upon the widening of her eyes, dilation of pupils and the rising of her upper lip, demonstrated her inherent opposition to such an invasive act.

While mindmelds required effort and concentration, simple contacts did not require any training or even conscious knowledge of the act. This, however, offered no absolution for Spock's actions. It had been no accident. Nonetheless, he did not quite see his actions as morally reprehensible. He had not been acting from a position of self-interest. In fact, his interests had been almost completely altruistic. The cadet had clearly been distressed and using his own mental abilities had been the most efficient way to learn of what was troubling her. It had been the logical choice. He was forced to admit to himself, however, that the inner workings of Cadet Uhura's mind had held a certain curiosity for him for quite a while. And a curious mind had no limits. He would have to put in extra effort to curb these emotional compulsions in the future. His own lack of control was shameful and disappointing to say the least.

He inhaled and shut away the sensation of her emotions. They were difficult to ignore now that Spock had felt the bright tenor of Uhura's mind. It had been gentle and warm, and forlorn somehow. And then he had allowed himself to fall deeper into the layers of her mind. He had seen sadness and loneliness. He felt her friendship with an Orion, anger at another cadet, and the sharp pang of homesickness. Then he had seen himself. He consumed a surprising amount of her thoughts. She had a remarkable amount of respect and adoration for him, but she believed her sentiments were one-sided. While it was a logical conclusion, it was not completely correct. Spock's own sentiments regarding the cadet were quite obscure. But any opinions not pertaining to her academic performance were irrelevant and he largely ignored them.

He released his tightly clasped hands and shut down the monitor, then stood and pushed in his chair. Picking up his PADD, he left the lab and proceeded down a series of long, wide, austere hallways. He left the labs building and stepped out into the cool evening air. As he walked across campus, he looked out into the San Francisco Bay. The Golden Gate Bridge stood solitary and lonely against the night sky. He watched the lights along the steel wires blink. Once, twice, three times. He looked away and entered the building where Starfleet personnel were housed. He walked briskly down the blue-carpeted floors, which muffled his footsteps. It was becoming late, and he could hear other personnel talking in their rooms about the day's events. He arrived at his door and punched in the code and it slid open.

He frowned slightly as he entered the room. The lights were on. Spock had never once neglected to turn off the lights when he left in the morning. He walked into the living quarters. A figure sat on the couch in the main room.

"Pardon me," Spock said matter-of-factly, "but I do believe you have violated Protocol 48, Subsections A and B by breaking and entering into these quarters."

"Only subsection B, actually," was the lazy reply. "I managed to catch what the code was when you entered it the last time I visited. No breaking, just entering."

"While I appreciate your resourcefulness, Captain Pike, I am at a loss for what compelled you to illegally enter my living quarters."

Pike stretched out on the couch, "I didn't want to interrupt your work at the lab. I figured you'd be back soon. Did you finish the research you wanted to get done?"

"Unfortunately, no," was the simple response. "A student stopped by requesting assistance with course material."

Spock sat down across from Captain Pike and waited. The captain had a tendency of getting to his main point after an average 5.3 minutes of discussing unrelated topics.

"How have your classes been going?"

"None of my classes are posing any particular difficulties."

Pike shifted in his seat and raised an eyebrow, "And the students?"

"On the whole, the cadets have not been causing any difficulties," Spock relied vaguely.

"Is that so?" He was unconvinced.

"Indeed," he responded.

"Come on, Spock," he said lowering his feet from the coffee table, "What's on your mind?"

"I do not wish to discuss the subject."

Pike sat up and smiled crookedly. "Now I'm curious."

"I apologize, it is not something I can comment on at the moment."

"It's about a student?"

Spock looked at Pike blankly. Pike nodded.

"Alright, keep your secrets," Pike said with a sigh, "Just keep in mind that the logical answer isn't always the right one."

"Quite the contrary, Captain Pike, the aim of logic is truth."

Spock paused. Looking into Cadet Uhura's mind had been the 'logical choice'. And it had been wrong. Not only had it been a mistake, but according to an interspecies ethics course that he himself taught, it was morally wrong as well. The consequences of his actions were becoming complicated. Perhaps his logic had been flawed. Or maybe a rational approach was not suitable to every situation. He ignored the thought and dismissed it outright, but could still feel it lurking at the corners of his mind.

Pike smiled ruefully, "That kind of reasoning is what can make you overlook the big picture. Emotion isn't completely without logic, you know."

"Captain Pike, did you illegally enter my quarters to lecture me on the distinction between logic and emotion?" Spock asked tilting his head.

Captain Pike just laughed good-naturedly.

Spock ignored the feeling of discomfort from Captain Pike's line of questioning. He was accustomed to his forwardness and his general disregard of Starfleet regulation. Perhaps, then, he would be sympathetic to his predicament with Cadet Uhura. Spock decided against sharing this information. It was in everyone's interests to be as discreet as possible on the matter. It would be illogical to share the information with anyone, including Captain Pike. Furthermore, there was nothing to discuss. The new information of Cadet Uhura's surprising infatuation was irrelevant as long as she did not act inappropriately.

Granted, he had acted improperly by trespassing upon her most private thoughts. There was no way to inform anyone of her inappropriate sentiments without admitting to his invasion of her mind. Despite his indecent actions, he theorized that the reason for her hasty departure was due to the illicit nature of her attachment to him. He tilted his head. Her feelings for him were wholly illogical. She assumed she cared for him because of her dependency on him. In reality, this dependency was mostly likely based upon her own academic ambitions and her respect for him as her instructor. Yes, that was the only rational conclusion. She had only known him in an academic setting and therefore did not have the necessary data in order to form a legitimate infatuation with him.

Despite this line of reasoning, he could not ignore that he had _felt_ it. He had felt the extent of her desire and longing. He could describe it only as an insatiable hunger. It had been strong and bittersweet. She was wholly devoted to him. He had been quite taken aback by the initial revelation of this knowledge and the strength of her feelings had left him speechless. However, he simply shut those feelings away, both his own and the new sensation of hers. He wondered if her feelings warranted some sort of responsive action on his part, such as transferring her to another Advanced Phonology course. But he reasoned that she was young and these sentiments would quickly pass. He was almost certain of it.

"I have been assigned to Captain the USS Enterprise," Pike said simply

"Yes, Captain Pike, I was aware of this. I do not see how this information warranted-"

"Spock," he said cutting him off, "I want you to be my first officer."

Spock paused for a moment. It would mean leaving the Starfleet Academy and enlisting in active duty. He would no longer be an instructor. He wondered if Cadet Uhura would have graduated by the time the Enterprise was ready for duty.

"I am grateful for the opportunity, Captain."

"So you accept?"

He hesitated, "Affirmative, Captain."

"Spock, I've told you before: call me Chris."

"You are instructing me to disregard your rank after establishing yourself as my commanding officer?"

"You've been my friend for many years, Spock. I would have thought that merited being on first name basis."

"Perhaps. However, you overlook the information that after accepting your offer, you are my commanding officer. It would be inappropriate for me to refer to you otherwise."

"Am I going to have to order you to call me by name? It would be easier on both of us if you'd stop being stubborn and just call me by name when we're off duty."

"Indeed," Spock said while raising an eyebrow.

Even after many years on earth, Spock still did not fully understand human compulsion for unnecessary gestures of friendliness. Spock was aware that he and Captain Pike were on sociable terms, but did not see the need to demonstrate this closeness. To be so informal with a commanding officer was vaguely inappropriate. Spock's mind wandered to Cadet Uhura for a moment. Inappropriate indeed.

Pike lazily waved the issue away with his hand, "Anyway, I'm going to need your help, Spock."

Spock tilted his head.

"The construction of the Enterprise is planned to finish around the time of graduation of the current cadets. Assuming things remain on schedule, I'll need your judgment on which cadets would be suited to serve on the Enterprise. You're their instructor, so I'll need your recommendations."

"Of course, Captain."

Pike raised his eyebrows.

"Christopher," he amended.

A slow grin spread across Pike's face.

Recommendations.

Spock thought of Cadet Uhura again for an instant. She was unparalleled in Xenolinguistics. Or, rather, that was what his assessment _had_ been before today's events. It remained to be seen how her academics would be affected. Before today, she would have been one of the first students he recommended. Yes, Cadet Uhura was one of his best students. In fact, her academic work was consistently exemplary. But that was the extent of his admiration. He was interested only in the words that came from her consistently extraordinary mind. Thoughts, after all, were the only thing an individual could truly own. It was logical for Spock to judge her _solely_ on the quality of the work she produced.

"Christopher," Spock began slowly, "I am not fully confident in my ability to make recommendations without bias."

Pike paused and then grinned, "If anyone can separate their emotional biases from the logical decision, it's you, Spock."

Spock raised an eyebrow, "Thank you."

Pike stood up with a groan and stretched. He knew not to overstay his welcome with Spock. He hid it almost perfectly, but he had a tendency to become restless with small talk. Pike was usually able to tell by the way Spock's eyes would become unfocused into a far-off stare, despite the fact he was still listening to what was being said. However, it was becoming late and Pike didn't have the energy to provide the mental stimulation that would be required to keep the Vulcan entertained.

"Well, Spock, as always, it's been fun. I'll stop by the lab tomorrow evening. Maybe we can play some 3D chess once you're done."

"It would be my pleasure."

Spock stood and clasped his hands behind his back to show Captain Pike out. They walked to the door and Pike paused for a moment.

"Want to tell me what was on your mind earlier?"

Spock simply regarded Captain Pike.

"Alright, alright, I'll take that as a no," Pike said with a smile, "Well, don't forget what I said. Don't let logic make you overlook the big picture."

"Until next time, Captain," Spock said, ignoring his comment.

Pike saluted lazily and sauntered down the hall.

Spock locked his door before retiring to his bedroom. He sat on the floor to reflect upon the day's events and regain control of his emotions. He emptied his mind of everything but struggled to keep out the new thoughts of a certain cadet and the all too comfortable feel of her mind.

* * *

Sometimes when Nyota woke up in the morning, she could tell it was going to be a bad day. It wouldn't necessarily even mean that something was wrong (although in this case it was). Sometimes, she just felt it in her gut that the forces of the universe were aligning and there would be trouble.

She woke at 1100 hours from Gaila prodding her.

"Nyota?" she said uneasily. "You missed your first class. Are you sick?"

"No," she groaned sitting up.

The room spun and she flopped back down on the bed.

"Yes," she whimpered.

Gaila frowned. "One second - don't move."

"You got it," Nyota mumbled.

Gaila rummaged through the bathroom cabinet until she found the thermometer. She rushed back to Nyota's bedside.

"Say 'ahh'!"

"Aghh."

Gaila popped the thermometer underneath Nyota's tongue and waited. It beeped a few moments later. She frowned in confusion.

"Hey, is a temperature of 101.3 degrees Fahrenheit considered abnormal for humans?"

She groaned in response. Gaila frowned and took it as a yes. She grabbed the blankets and hastily yanked them away from the bed.

"Okay, babe," Gaila said forcing Nyota to sit up, "Time to move."

"For the love of god, why?" she moaned

"Medical bay," she huffed, dragging Nyota to her feet.

Nyota stood unsteadily as Gaila haphazardly dressed her. When she looked vaguely presentable, Gaila ushered her out of the room and down the stairs leading outside. Nyota was only semi-aware of stumbling across campus. They reached the medical building and Gaila dragged her into the medical bay. She sat in the waiting room while Gaila filled out a form to give the nurse behind the front desk.

"Alright," Gaila said with a sigh, "We're checked in."

"Thanks Gaila," Nyota murmured.

"Don't mention it," she said cheerfully. "Any idea why you're sick?"

She shook her head.

"You know, some sexually transmitted infections can cause fever," Gaila said humorously.

"You speaking from experience?" Nyota retorted

Gaila opened her mouth in mock outrage. "I'll have you know that I _never_-"

"Cadet Uhura," a Starfleet medical officer announced.

Gaila stood. "I'm Cadet Uhura's roommate. She has a fever."

"Please follow me."

Gaila helped Nyota to her feet and they followed the medical officer into the sick rooms. The hallway smelled strongly of disinfectant and the fluorescent lighting seemed to drain the color from the walls. After a short walk, they stopped at room 7 and he held the door open. Gaila helped Nyota into the bed while the medical officer said that a doctor would be in to see them shortly. They waited for a few moments and the door slid open again.

"Alright," he said, closing the door. "Name?"

"Cadet Uhura," she said wearily, "Identification number 2169990."

He sat down on a revolving stool and rolled to her bedside. "Leonard McCoy. I'll be your doctor today."

Nyota looked at him blankly. "You're in a cadet's uniform."

"Well, at least we know you can still state the obvious. Thank God for that. What are your symptoms?"

"Are you even a doctor?"

"Kid, I was a certified doctor when you were still having slumber parties and playing dress up. Now are you going to tell me your symptoms or am I going to have to do a full medical exam?"

"You bedside manner is horrible," Nyota said with a frown.

"Again with stating the obvious. Symptoms, go."

"Fever since this morning," Gaila took over, "It was 101.3 Fahrenheit when I took it. She has been fatigued for the past couple of weeks. No other symptoms that I can tell."

"How has her diet been?"

"She's been eating less than usual, but otherwise it's been the same. Said she doesn't have an appetite."

"Cadet Uhura, what has your stress level been? Higher than normal?"

She started to giggle weakly. "Oh, beyond belief."

"Any other symptoms? Coughing, sneezing, sore throat?"

She shook her head.

He grumbled and took her blood pressure and temperature. After looking into her ears, eyes and mouth, he hastily jotted notes down on a clipboard with an air of annoyance. Scowling, he felt her lymph nodes and took her pulse. He sat back on his chair after briefly listening to her breathe.

"So here's what's happening," he lectured. "You're suffering from extreme fatigue. It's probably the stress you've been under and your obvious inability to take care of yourself. Stay here for the rest of the day. You may need to spend the night if your vitals don't pick up. I'm going to do some blood work to rule out anemia and I'll set you up with an IV."

"Should I stay?" Gaila asked

"Actually, you should leave. She needs to rest and you distracting her won't help."

She stood up and squeezed Nyota's hand.

"Feel better, okay?"

She nodded tiredly. "I'll be fine by tonight, so don't plan on bringing any guys back."

Gaila laughed. "You got it."

She turned, winked suggestively at the doctor and left.

"I'm going to miss my Xenolinguistics class," she said despondently.

"Don't worry about it," he said, pulling a couple blood vials out of a drawer. "All of your instructors will be alerted electronically."

She started to tear up. "This is horrible."

He clenched her hand into a fist and tapped on the inside of her arm a few times.

"I'm sure you'll manage to catch up."

He inserted the needle and began drawing blood. A tear ran down Nyota's cheek and he shifted with annoyance.

"So you're one of _those_," he said grumpily. "I'm almost done with the blood, so don't freak out on me, okay?"

"It's not that. It's just…my life. It's kind of a mélange of pain and suffering right now," she said dramatically.

He rolled his eyes. "A little suffering is good for the soul."

He took out the needle and inserted an IV. Nyota bit her lip.

"Why does my life have to be so complicated?"

"I'm a doctor, not a therapist," he grumbled, "And I'm sure it's just the fever talking."

"No, it's not," she said stubbornly, "I wrecked everything."

"Listen kid, I don't know what you did, but I'm sure things will be fine. You gotta stop your whining and do something about it. It's not just gonna up and fix itself."

She bit her lip and inhaled sharply through her teeth. After blinking a few times, she nodded with determination. He was right. She was just going to have to do something about it.

"You good? I need to get this blood work to the lab."

"Yeah," she said quietly, "I'm good."

She was surprised to realize that it was true.

* * *

"How's the work coming?"

"I was working very efficiently until you came here," Spock responded lightly.

Pike smiled. "How was class?"

Spock was about to answer when his monitor beeped twice. He paused to look at the screen and saw that there was a new message in his inbox. He hesitated for a moment and then read the memo.

_Commander Spock,_

_Cadet N. Uhura, rank Lieutenant, Identification number 2169990 was admitted to medical bay at 1130 hours. Any absences that incur as a result are legitimate and should be regarded as such. Any additional questions may be directed to her attending physician: Cadet Dr. Leonard McCoy, rank Lieutenant Commander, Identification number 2169923._

_-Starfleet Academy Medical Bay_

"My top student appears to have fallen ill," he said evenly.

"Is it serious?"

"I do not know" Spock replied. "I am to direct any and all additional questions to Cadet McCoy. Although, I do not understand why they would have a cadet oversee the medical case rather than a full medical officer."

Pike watched Spock carefully and, surprisingly, saw unease in his dark eyes. Spock was usually in perfect control of his emotions, but Pike could plainly read his concern.

"Cadets need to be trained somehow," he said simply. "You going to visit her in sickbay?"

"I do not believe I specified as to the gender of the cadet," Spock said evenly.

"Was I wrong?"

"You are correct in your speculation," he conceded with a tilt of the head.

"50/50 shot," Pike said with a half-smile. "Answer the question."

Spock looked up, "There are no logical reasons for me to visit her in sickbay. She is being attended to by medical experts who I assume are far more qualified than I to be tending to her."

Pike laughed, "So you're not going to, I don't know…show your concern?"

"Such a display of emotion would not serve any purpose."

He looked away from Pike and reread the message.

"I will request additional information from her attending physician."

A grin slowly spread to Pike's face, which Spock pointedly ignored. Spock sent his message to Cadet McCoy and looked up at Pike, who was still grinning. He raised his eyebrow and Pike shook his head.

"Well I hope she recovers soon. Having her around probably does you good."

"If you would clarify," Spock replied calmly, "What positive affect do you suppose the cadet to have on me?"

"You said she was your top student," Pike said vaguely. "Having an exceptionally bright student in a class is always valuable."

"Indeed," he replied shortly.

The monitor beeped. Spock had a new message. He opened it. It was Cadet McCoy's response, short and to the point.

_Commander,_

_Cadet Uhura suffering from extreme fatigue. No physical deficiencies. Recovering quickly. Will be kept in medical bay overnight. Should return to class tomorrow._

_McCoy_

Extreme fatigue. Spock wondered for a moment if it could be due to the mental contact he had made with her. Mindmelds were known to occasionally be physically debilitating to both parties. Rapid blood pressure changes could exacerbate preexisting conditions. If she was in fact suffering from their mental contact, she would require a dose of Lexorin. He thought for a moment and then dismissed the possibility. The absence of physical symptoms suggested that her illness was due to psychological stress. Despite this, he could not shake the feeling of responsibility that he was at fault. He speculated that even if her illness was unrelated to the mental contact, he was undeniably related in an indirect manner to her visit to sickbay. Therefore, visiting her would only exacerbate her condition. It would be wholly illogical, so he ignored the silent desire to visit her. He shut his feelings away and shut down the monitor.

"Shall we?"

"Yes," Spock replied.

Pike led Spock out of the lab. Spock looked back at his station and allowed his eyes to rest on the chair that Cadet Uhura had been sitting in yesterday evening.

He pondered to himself for a moment.

It was odd how the smallest things could take up the most room in his mind.

Fascinating.

**

* * *

A/N: Chapter three complete! I hope you liked it. I really liked writing McCoy. It was a lot of fun, so I'm glad I was able to slip him in. I think I might do a one-shot focusing around him in the future, or a story exploring the relationship with his ex-wife. I also liked writing in Pike. I wanted to give Spock a friend haha. Anyway, I actually had a friend of mine (who is an English major) edit this one for me so there would be fewer mistakes. That is how committed I am haha. So drop me a review and let me know what you think of what's going down. A lot of your reviews have been pretty insightful, so I enjoy reading them and do take them into account when writing. The next chapter should be up soon. I've started it, but it's nowhere near done. We'll see how it develops. 'Til next time.**


	4. You're Worth Everything

**A/N: Here is chapter four. It was actually originally eleven pages long! I ended up condensing everything, so I'm sorry if feels rushed. There are a fair amount of page breaks, which I generally try to avoid using at all costs because it interrupts the flow of the story. But my main goal was to avoid splitting the chapter in two, because I think it's important to present the plot as cohesively as possible, so I'm sorry if this chapter's flow suffered as a result.  
**

**Quick shout out to QTFics and honey924. Both of you guys have reviewed every chapter of this story that I've uploaded, and I feel the love, so thanks. Additional shout outs to everyone else who has reviewed. As someone who hardly **_**ever**_** reviews a story even if I think it's awesome, I have to give all of you guys mad props.**

Chapter 4 – You're Worth Everything

"_They say you're not worth it,_

_Worth the pain you bring._

_But what the hell do they know,_

_You're worth everything."_

* * *

Nyota waited outside the Inter-Species Ethics classroom for Commander Spock to finish his lecture. She leaned against the wall and idly tapped her boot heel on the floor, listening to the sound echo down the empty hallway. Nyota tilted her head and listened to the muffled sounds of a lecture on the moral responsibilities of individuals with advanced mental capabilities. Her lips twisted into a wry smile. Commander Spock was not exactly the most qualified person to be espousing the importance of moral constraints on this particular topic. She rested the back of her head against the wall and closed her eyes. As she tried to make sense of the emotions coursing through her, she struggled to control the sensation of her stomach tying itself into knots.

On one hand she was angry. He had violated her mind and entered the one space that was hers alone. Yet, she had to admit that he had been welcome there. Her mind had offered no resistance and had unfurled itself without complaint for his inspection. She knew it was because of her misplaced sense of devotion to him but it wasn't something she could help. He made her feel alive. Some things were worth fighting for and Nyota was willing to fight for this, whatever the consequences.

He concluded the lecture with stating what the homework was for next week and explaining when his office hours were taking place. The door opened next to her, hiding her from view. He strode out briskly, books in hand, heading towards the faculty offices. Nyota inhaled deeply and before she had the chance to think twice, she was racing after him.

"Commander, a word? If you're not busy."

Commander Spock paused and looked at her unemotionally. He raised an eyebrow and after a moment of hesitation, he nodded.

"Yes, Cadet. Come to my office."

Nyota could feel her nervous energy building as they walked and she realized that her hands were shaking slightly. She clenched them tight as he held open his office door for her. She glanced around his office. It looked mostly the same from the last time she had been here, small and tidy. There were orderly stacks of paper on his desk, which she assumed were papers he was grading. At the corner was his monitor, whose screen was dark. At the back of the room, near the window were bookshelves crammed with books in different languages.

"Please, sit," he said evenly.

Tentatively, she sat in the wooden chair opposite from him. His dark eyes evaluated her as she lifted her chin with determination.

"How may I help you, Cadet?"

Nyota bit her lip. "I'd like to know what I missed in class during my absence."

She cringed mentally. It was painfully obvious that she was stalling. He looked at her blankly and then turned his attention to the monitor. He booted it up and tapped the screen a few times.

"If you will wait one moment," he said simply. "I will send you my class notes electronically. I trust you have kept up with the reading?"

"I am slightly behind, sir," she said slowly. "I plan on completing it tonight."

He simply nodded and the room was silent except for the gentle whirring of his monitor. She shifted uncomfortably under the oppressive silence of the room. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, trapping her. A part of her wanted desperately to leave, but she stifled the urge and forced herself to sit still. Her PADD beeped loudly, cutting through the silence. She jumped slightly and checked the screen.

"I just got your notes."

Nyota glanced up and saw him watching her. She swallowed nervously.

"Is there anything else with which you require assistance, Cadet?"

She paused. This was something that had to happen.

"Yes."

He tilted his head. She inhaled slowly and avoided looking at him.

"I want to talk about what happened in the lab earlier this week."

He paused, "I was not aware that this was something that required a discussion."

She looked up at him defiantly, "I disagree."

He raised an eyebrow.

"You-you looked into my mind!" She accused.

"I did."

"And you don't…I don't know, see a problem with this?"

Spock hesitated for a moment, "My own actions were highly inappropriate, and for that I do apologize. However, Cadet, I feel you are overlooking the primary concern here."

She felt her face get hot, "And what would that be?"

"Your infatuation, Cadet."

Nyota could not help but wince when he said it. As the words cut through her, painted with his condescending tone, she realized how pathetic it must seem to him. She breathed deeply and decided she would not apologize for her feelings. As she clenched her fists, she tried to keep calm. If she didn't use her head, this would end in a huge embarrassment.

"Commander, have I _ever_, even once, acted inappropriately towards you?"

"No," he said slowly. "You have been consistently professional."

"So let me get this straight," she said hotly, "_You_ look into _my_ mind, and somehow I'm the one who's on trial here? I didn't even _do_ anything!"

"I will concede to your point that you have not acted inappropriately. However, as your instructor, I must react properly to this information, regardless of how it was obtained."

Nyota felt her face flush as her frustration mounted. The sinking feeling in her stomach told her that she might have made a mistake. She ignored the feeling and told herself that she was in too far now. There was no turning back. She was going to have to see this through until the bitter, inevitably horrible end.

"Sir," she said, thinking quickly. "Vulcans don't lie, correct?"

He paused for a moment and the look in his eyes revealed his bewilderment.

"No, typically we do not. Falsehoods are counterintuitive to logic."

"Okay, well…whatever you did to me in the lab," she said, grasping at the only straw she could. "Did you do it on purpose?"

There was a heavy moment of silence.

"It was not an accident," he replied quietly.

"Why did you do it," she demanded.

He looked away for a moment, as if thinking. She watched him warily as he did his own form of mental arithmetic, weighing the value of his words.

"I do not know."

"Well, great," she said dryly. "That's helpful."

"I answered the question as honestly as I could," he said simply.

She paused. "As…honestly as you could? That's not the same thing as the truth."

"If I were to elaborate, it would only serve to complicate matters," he said plainly.

Her heart raced. "How?"

"Cadet, you and I are already in an inappropriate predicament. I believe it would be unwise to exacerbate current matters. I advise that you discontinue your current line of questioning."

Her eyes widened, "Sir, I am going to ask you a question, and I need you to tell me the truth."

His dark eyes looked back at her unemotionally. She took a deep breath. This could be a horrible mistake, but she couldn't stop herself.

"Do you like me?"

The words hung heavily in the air for a long moment. The tiny room was filled only with the hum of his monitor. Nyota could feel her stomach tying itself into knots. It was a little unfair, how she was cornering him like this, trapping him with his own logic. But she reasoned that it had to be done. Even in the oppressive silence of the office, she felt a shred of optimism. Sunlight streamed in through his window and she watched the platelets of dust hanging lazily in the air. For a moment, she dared to hope. If he had looked into her mind and it had not been an accident, then there had to be a reason. A curiosity. A desire. For her and her mind. Her heart raced in anticipation and her blood was rushing through her veins. For the first time in weeks, she felt alive.

"That is an inappropriate question, Cadet. One that I cannot answer."

"Why?"

"Because it would be inappropriate to do so," he said fiercely. "I have entertained this line of questioning long enough. I must ask you to leave."

She was a little taken aback. His face was impassive but his tone had been sharp and defensive. Nyota had never seen this side of Spock. He was passionate and emphatic on this point. She wondered if perhaps she shouldn't push the matter, but ignored the voice of reason.

"No," she said defiantly. "I have to know."

He looked at her sharply.

"Why would it be inappropriate? Because you're my instructor?"

"I thought that would be obvious," he remarked.

"Okay, fine," she said. "But I still want an answer."

"I cannot supply you with one at the given time."

"Because I'm your student."

"Precisely."

"But what if I weren't?"

He paused and she held her breath. His eyes searched her face for a moment.

"If you would elaborate, Cadet."

"Every year, a student is chosen to be the Academy Aide for Advanced Phonology and Advanced Acoustical Engineering. If I were to get that position, I would no longer be your student – aides are almost instructors themselves – you would have no excuse to avoid giving me a straight answer."

He looked away with an air of disinterest.

"Given the current circumstances, I would not be able to recommend you for the position," he said flatly.

"It doesn't matter," she said countered quickly, "Aides are appointed by the head of departments. I only need Captain Becker to appoint me. And I can get faculty recommendations from my other instructors."

Nyota stood in triumph. She felt her blood pumping with the sensation of success. Her logic was flawless and he knew that. She slowly grinned. Commander Spock looked genuinely dumbfounded. It was the most emotion she had ever managed to get out of him.

"Sir, I will not approach you for the rest of the year," she promised, "But once I am appointed Academy Aide, I expect some answers. _Real_ answers."

"It is an incredibly competitive process-"

"I will get it," she said with confidence. She paused and smiled slowly, "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you, Commander. Thank you for your time."

He looked at her blankly and nodded. Nyota returned the nod politely and turned on her heel. As she shut the door behind her with a quiet click, she smiled to herself. She was quite certain she was the first student to ever leave Commander Spock speechless.

* * *

Spock watched the door close behind her. The room seemed so much smaller and so much quieter without her presence. In truth, he felt completely puzzled by the cadet's actions. Although, that was how it had always been. In the past two years he had known her, she had always had the peculiar quality of using her emotions to her advantage. Her emotions had consistently seemed to drive her to go beyond boundaries that should have been unreachable. He was completely unable to define her. One moment she would be driven by emotion and then the next, she would embrace logic.

Despite her highly emotional nature, she had managed to outsmart him. Spock realized that she had used her unpredictability to catch him off guard and trap him in his own rigid structure of logic. So she wanted answers. In truth, he did not have any to give her. He had only a vague idea of his feelings for her. He had often tried to define them during quiet times of meditation, but they had always eluded his grasp.

Cadet Uhura was young. At least four years his junior. In many ways, she was still just a girl. Her infatuation with him would quickly pass. Furthermore, a lack of emotional stimuli from keeping distance from him would cause her feelings to fade. Of this he was certain. And even if he was proved wrong, he still had the rest of the semester to define the unfamiliar sentiments lurking at the corners of his mind.

The cadet's mind was extraordinary, so he had no doubt that she would gain the Academy Aide position. He felt a gentle feeling of warmth at the pit of his stomach and recognized the emotion as pride. This was to be expected. She was his student, after all. After investing so much time into her education, it was natural that he would feel pride at her accomplishments.

He wondered for a moment what had caused such a strong devotion to him. The cadet was passionate in everything she did. She did nothing by halves. It was odd that she should be drawn to someone of such a controlled mentality. She was being illogical. He could not possibly supply her with the emotional reassurance she craved.

He paused and for a moment thought of his human lineage. Perhaps they were more similar than he had initially thought. He looked out the window behind him. The silent, all too human hunger that was always lurking at the back of his mind relaxed whenever she was around. The half of him that soundlessly craved emotional contact yearned for her presence. Human emotions that he thought he had buried long ago had resurfaced and demanded recognition.

Spock felt his stomach tighten. This was strictly against regulation. Although, he noted that he would not be an instructor for much longer. He would soon begin active duty with the Enterprise. He quickly dismissed this line of thought and pushed aside any stray emotions. This was unacceptable. He would not allow himself to rationalize the objectionable situation he currently found himself in.

It was not too late to put an end to this. No rules had been broken yet. Nonetheless, without him realizing it, his relationship with the cadet had already taken on a life of its own. He was not fully confident that he would be able to put a stop to it, even if he wanted to.

* * *

At least now she knew that Vulcans did have emotions. The problem was getting him to figure out what they were. Not only that, but he also had to admit them and express them to her. The last thing Nyota needed was the obstacle of Starfleet protocol. A relationship with Spock couldn't be allowed to jeopardize their careers, so the only solution was to rise to the top of her class, earn the position of Academy Aide and force him to admit his feelings. The feat seemed impossible, but Nyota was determined. She had enough of moping around.

For the final ten weeks of semester, Nyota worked tirelessly. She was constantly in the library working on translation algorithms or in the labs, taking apart translator circuits and putting them back together.

She worked herself past the point of exhaustion, forcing herself to learn everything and anything related to Xenolinguistics. A part of her wished that she hadn't promised to keep distance from Commander Spock. At times like this, being around him was a relief that allowed her to keep working. Not to mention his vast knowledge and expertise on everything she was attempting to learn. But she reasoned that this was good for both of them. He had to figure out his emotions on his own and she needed to know she could stand on her own merit. Nyota had never wanted anything so badly.

She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment where she had fallen for Commander Spock. It had come to her as natural as breathing. As much as she hated admitting her own dependency, she _needed_ him. She adored him. Adored every molecule of his being. Her heart was charged with feelings of exhilaration. It seemed to provide an endless supply of energy that kept her working.

Usually Nyota would work late into the night. When she was finished for the evening, she would stumble out of the labs and look out into the San Francisco Bay. All too often, the sun was beginning to rise, dying the clouds orange and salmon pink. For a few brief moments, she would let her mind go quiet as she looked up and identified the stars that were still visible in the early morning light. She had taken up the habit of noting their motion as the earth turned and the weeks passed. There was not much time left now.

As the final week of the school year approached, Nyota began her application for Academy Aide. In addition to submitting the application form, she submitted the findings of her yearly research project. She had been working on the department's research into the development of Universal Translators. Currently, mechanical translators were unreliable at best and painfully rudimentary, but she believed that she had made a breakthrough. She had successfully written an algorithm that could translate passive voice transitive between alien languages and English. It was a minor breakthrough, but a breakthrough nonetheless. The department had been spending a lot of resources on the development of translators, so she could only hope that they would find her research valuable enough to appoint her as Academy Aide.

She stood outside Captain Becker's office with her application materials. With a sigh, she knocked on his door twice. He beckoned her to enter and she opened the door. He smiled at her and held out his hand for the application. With a gentle sigh, she passed over all of the materials, and placed her future in his hands.

* * *

"Nyota, I don't know why you're freaking out so much. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Oh, I don't know, I don't get the position?" She said dryly

Gaila shrugged. "There's nothing you can do about it now. Calm down and put on your uniform. The ceremony starts in twenty minutes. We're going to be late."

She dressed hastily. "Odd role-reversal, huh. You having to get me out the door on time."

Gaila grinned at her. "Well, I learned from the best."

Gaila ushered her roommate out the door and the two rushed to the lecture hall where commencement was taking place. They managed to find seats with their class as Captain Becker was taking the podium. Nyota's breath caught in her throat as the Captain gave the usual speech about exceptional dedication and commitment to academic excellence. Nyota tapped her foot nervously until Gaila nudged her to stop. She watched the stage, which was filled with instructors in uniform. She spotted Commander Spock, who sat perfectly straight in his chair, watching Becker give his speech.

"Now, before we begin with Commencement, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the achievements of cadets that we are lucky enough to still have with the Academy. Therefore, before we hand out diplomas, it is time to appoint new Academy Aides for the upcoming scholastic year. Academy Aides are an invaluable part of this institution for their contributions to department research and serving as a reliable source of knowledge for their peers. Furthermore, I am pleased to present next year's collection of exceptionally bright and talented Academy Aides."

Nyota held her breath while he went alphabetically through the departments and she kicked herself for choosing a major that started with 'X'. As Captain Becker concluded appointing a third-year cadet to the position of Academy Aide for Xenobiology, Nyota's stomach churned.

"And for the department of Xenolinguistics, I would like to appoint the following Academy Aides. Cadet Grish as Academy Aide for Advanced Exo-linguistic Mechanics-"

Nyota leaned forward in her chair.

"And for the Academy Aide for Advanced Phonology and Acoustical Engineering, replacing graduating cadet Hoshi Sato, I would like to appoint Cadet Uhura."

He left the podium and the room applauded, but Nyota was only vaguely aware of what was happening. Her heart was racing and felt as if it would burst. Gaila was squealing and shaking Nyota in celebration. But all of it seemed to fade away and she saw only Commander Spock. She had done it. All on her own. She closed her eyes. It was the most gratifying feeling she had ever experienced.

It hadn't been easy, but it was worth it.

He was worth it.

* * *

"Commander!"

Spock turned and saw Cadet Uhura running towards him. He paused as she stood in front of him. She doubled over, breathing heavily.

"Congratulations on your appointment, cadet," he said politely. "I look forward to working with you."

She nodded and watched as various Starfleet students and personnel were boarding an aircraft in front of them.

"You're leaving for the summer," she accused.

He tilted his head. "That would explain my presence at the aircraft hangar."

She looked up at him suspiciously. "Did you just make a joke?"

He simply looked at her blankly.

"Nevermind, it doesn't matter," she said quickly. "You're leaving. Why?"

"There is no specific reason for me to remain at the Academy over the summer. Therefore, it would be more valuable to continue my research at the Vulcan Science Academy until the beginning of the academic year."

She looked up at him.

"I'll be here," she said with a half-smile.

He paused. "I was not aware that you would be staying at the Academy this summer."

"If you had known, would it have changed your plans?"

"No," he conceded. "Returning to Vulcan is the logical choice."

She scowled and put her hands on her hips. "Well, you still owe me an explanation."

He looked at her and she noted a hint of surprise on his features.

"I thought your infatuation would have faded by now."

She shook her head with annoyance. "Well, you're wrong. It hasn't."

Spock watched her impassively while she tapped her foot impatiently.

"You are not Academy Aide until the beginning of the academic year."

He watched her mouth open in protest.

"But you-"

"I do not have an answer I can supply you with at the moment," he interrupted.

"But you _will_ tell me, won't you?"

He hesitated, "Given your current standing in the Academy, there is no particular reason for me to withhold the information from you."

"Is that a yes?"

After a moment of silence, he nodded.

"Alright, so can you give me _something_ here? Why you looked into my mind? Anything?"

Spock looked into her face, which desperately searched his for answers. There was a long moment of silence while he thought. He hesitated for a moment and before he even knew what he was doing, he held up his hand to her face. Her eyes widened in surprise. Slowly, he placed three fingers at the necessary spots near her temple and lightly applied pressure.

"Cadet Uhura," he said with an air of professionalism. "If I may?"

"Oh, so you're actually asking me this time?" she said with sarcasm.

He looked at her and waited for her answer.

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"In all likelihood, you will understand my feelings more than I. This is simply the most logical way to convey my response to your queries."

She bit her lip and slowly nodded. "Okay."

He inhaled deeply and allowed his mind to return to hers. It felt oddly comfortable and familiar to him. He fell through the layers of her mind until he rested at the center of her consciousness. It felt warm and safe and he allowed his mind to join with hers. For a brief moment, they were joined completely. Together as one. He felt her inhale as if it had been his own breath. He exhaled and allowed his breathing to sync with hers. Slowly, he allowed his mind to empty itself of all his thoughts and feelings for her. When he was done, he frowned in concentration and began to pull his consciousness away from hers. Their minds reluctantly separated and he opened his eyes.

She opened her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she looked up at him, she smiled slightly.

"That was…interesting," she said.

"Indeed," he said in agreement. "I hope this has answered your questions."

"Yes and no," she said with a faint smile. "We can figure it all out when you get back. Together."

Spock nodded to her slowly and walked towards the aircraft. He could feel her eyes on him, so he didn't bother looking back. Whatever was happening between him and Cadet Uhura was no longer explicitly against protocol, even if it was inappropriate. Their careers were no longer in jeopardy, but to his own dissatisfaction, he still could not define the foreign sentiments he felt.

She said they would figure it out.

Together.

* * *

**A/N: A part of me had considered ending the story there, but I decided against it. Mainly because I want to explore more of Spock's character and I think there's more left to the story. Next chapter will focus almost completely on Spock. As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate it.**


	5. Secrets They Keep To Themselves

**A/N: Phew! Chapter Five! Thanks so much for all the reviews guys! You're the best and your support means so much to me. And it keeps me from getting lazy with this story. Seeing as so many of you took the time to review, I figured I would take the time to answer the questions some of you asked.**

**honey924: There were other people in the hangar, but they were not directly in line of sight. I touch on that in this chapter when we get to see what's going on in Spock's head. Good question!**

**LydiaMoon: You bring up a good point about my word choice during the office scene. I've been trying to make Uhura slightly juvenile because this is a younger version of her than we see in the movie. However, I agree that it was pretty "junior high" and should have paid more attention to the word choice. I'll keep an eye on this in the future. Thanks for pointing it out!**

**nikkistew: So far I have been trying to maintain a weekly updating pattern. However, it mostly depends on when I finish the chapters. Because it's summer it's easier to get them done, but I'm not immune to writer's block or laziness, so I don't have a set schedule. The next chapter will likely take me more than a week, because I haven't started on it yet. I'll be getting on that soon though. Hope this helps!**

**Thank you to everyone else who commented. You guys are great.**

Chapter Five – Secrets They Keep To Themselves

"_Dancing round the question posed.  
Pick a coin and watch it roll  
down into the wishing well.  
Two steps unset, there goes another day.  
Another chance to give away  
secrets they keep to themselves."_

* * *

Spock inhaled deeply and breathed in the dry smells of sage and creosote. This was home. He shifted uncomfortably under the heavy gravity. He took another deep breath and frowned. It was taking longer than expected to adjust to the thinner atmosphere. The climate was as harsh as he remembered and the lush, dusty desert smell crowded his senses.

"Spock, what are you doing?"

He turned abruptly. "Mother, you should not be out here. Judging from the rising temperature, a sandstorm will pass through this area in approximately 12.7 minutes. You must return to the house."

Amanda Grayson smiled sheepishly at her son as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Spock," she chided. "There's no reason to be so worried. I've managed just fine during your absence."

He paused and stared while she smiled back at him warmly. After a moment of hesitation, he nodded with an air of dissatisfaction.

"It's been a while since you've come here," she remarked quietly.

"I apologize, mother. Being a member of the Starfleet Academy faculty limits my leave time considerably."

She raised her eyebrows questioningly. "I meant _here_. Vulcan's Forge."

Spock stared into the desert canyon. It was dry and desolate. Empty. Nevertheless, the gorge had always managed to put him at ease.

"Indeed," he answered quietly. "Coming here seems to improve my ability to think clearly."

"This is where Surak began his pilgramage, isn't it?" she asked casually.

He nodded, "Affirmative. According to historical record, Surak began his pilgrimage at Vulcan's Forge in the 4th century, AD."

She smiled gently as he rattled off the Vulcan history that he had learned from an early age.

"This is also where you decided to follow the teachings of Surak, right?" she prodded. "To follow logic?"

He turned to her and raised an eyebrow.

"It is indeed. Mother, what is the purpose of your inquiries?"

"I'm sorry," she said coyly. "I don't mean to pry."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, so I do," she said guiltily. "I just want to know what's troubling you. Let me help."

He held back a sigh as he watched her brow wrinkle in concern. Seeing her so worried stirred a deep unease within him. Even more troubling was how easily she could discern that something was amiss. While he would have preferred to believe that this was due to his human mother's many years of marriage to a Vulcan, it was more likely due to the fact that he had been doing a poor job of restraining his emotions lately. It was causing him to act in a manner that was both irregular and uncharacteristic. Mind melding with Cadet Uhura, for instance. His irrantional hunger to feel the sensation of her mind again had exposed both of them to risk. While it had been evident to him at the time that they were not being watched, it had been an unnecessary risk.

"I appreciate your concern, mother," he said with a nod. "But it will have to wait. I must meet with T'Pring."

Her childlike face stared back at him with clear surprise. While Spock would typically spend time with his bond partner during his infrequent leave time, it was almost always in the company of his parents. Any time Spock spent alone with her had always been for the singular purpose of discreet and passionless trysts to fulfill the physiological need for bodily contact. He had always decided against disclosing these gatherings to his parents so it was expected that his mother would find today's meeting with T'Pring sudden and surprising. However, judging from T'Pring's curiously grave tone when she requested seeing him, the purpose of their reunion was likely to be far less intimate in nature.

"T'Pring," she said with clear curiosity. "Why?"

He looked away.

"I do not know. She requested to convene with me privately."

"I see," she said with a note of surprise.

"If I may ask," he began. "Why are you surprised that she requested to see me? I have been bonded with her since the age of seven."

"'More than a betrothal, less than a marriage,' right?" She muttered sullenly.

"That is the adage," he affirmed. "However, your tone indicates a lack of enthusiasm for T'Pring. Do you find her objectionable?"

Amanda Grayson pouted slightly. "No, I just…I would have preferred you make a _choice_ about who to be with."

Spock shifted uncomfortably. "Mother, I must implore that you do not force me to explain the necessity of a bonded mate."

"Spock, you don't have to be so embarrassed about it!" She said with a laugh. "Besides, you have a while before you go through pon-"

He looked at her sharply and she cut herself off with a smile, clearly enjoying her son's embarrassment. She clasped her hands behind her back, mirroring her son's stance. He ignored her mischievous smile, discouraging her from pursuing the line of conversation.

"I must go," he said calmly. "If I remain here much longer, I will be late."

He turned to go, nodding to his mother. Her delicate hand reached out and caught his sleeve, giving him pause.

"Spock," she said softly. "Do you love her?"

He was quiet for a moment and looked out into the forge.

"If the teachings of Surak have taught me anything," he began slowly. "It is that an emotion such as love is irrelevant in the selection of a mate."

"Do you really believe that?" she said a little forlornly.

"I thought I did," he murmured.

She looked at him with bewilderment. "What do you-"

"I must go," he said firmly. "Please, do not stay out much longer, mother. The sandstorms are dangerous."

He left the forge and headed towards the center of the Shi'Kahr. As he walked through the city, he noted that he felt far less at ease here than on Earth. He was unsure if it was simply because of adaptation to life on Earth or if he had become more attuned to the subtle differences between himself and the rest of the population due to his human lineage.

T'Pring had suggested they meet in one of the city's larger gardens, so he waited for her near the entrance. As he watched others pass by, he thought of what his mother had said. She wanted him to have a choice. He had previously thought that a choice was irrelevant. A mate was necessary for procreating and to avoid the madness associated with pon farr.

Now he was unsure if logic could be applied to such an inherently emotional and evolutionary construct.

He could not deny feeling out of place watching Vulcans walk across the dusty market square. Biologically speaking, he was nearly identical to any other individual in the square. However, his human lineage set him apart, in ways that he had yet to fully comprehend. He briefly speculated the influence of his human lineage to his interpersonal relationships. Perhaps this was the cause of his illogical behavior in respect to Cadet Uhura.

"Spock."

He turned and nodded to acknowledge her presence as he surveyed her pale, expressionless face. Her muted brown eyes appraised him and she afforded him the smallest of smiles, but it left him cold. It was a pointed disparity from Cadet Uhura's dark, warm eyes and bright smile. Curiously enough, Spock found he felt no physical attraction for T'Pring. Her appearance was identical to his last meeting with her. She was young and well proportioned, with facial symmetry and a clear complexion: all characteristics that should have indicated physical attractiveness. And while he did not find her unpleasant, he discovered he felt indifferent towards her. T'Pring raised an eyebrow and tucked a stray dark curl behind her ear as she waited for him to say something.

"T'Pring," he said directly. "What is the reason for our meeting?"

"Let us walk," she replied evasively.

He was not given an opportunity to reply because she simply passed under the garden's wrought iron gate, with the clear expectation that he follow. Ignoring the faint sentiment of annoyance, he obliged her and the two walked in heavy silence. She seemed to be taking her time to organize her thoughts because she plainly ignored the foliage around them and stared off into the distance in stony silence. He followed her to a relatively deserted part of the garden and sat on a bench in a bed of freshly cut grass. As they rested under the quiet shade of a tree, she turned to him with a grave expression on her face.

"Spock," she said quietly. "I have a serious request to make of you."

Spock tilted his head and waited for her to continue, unsure of what could be so grave. He had expected a serious conversation, judging from her tone and demand to meet in such a public place. However, he could not clearly ascertain the motive for such a request. She looked away from him.

"I…I humbly request that you release me from our bond."

Spock stared at her while she kept her eyes focused on the ground. After a long moment of silence, she looked back up at him, her face blank. Spock searched for a word to define the sensation he felt in the pit of his stomach.

"It would be illogical for you to make such a request unless there was another with whom you intend to bond," he said numbly.

"There is another," she affirmed. "His name is Stonn."

"Would it be a reasonable assumption that should I refuse your request, you would invoke kal-if-fee to stop a marriage ceremony between us?"

"I do not wish to do so," she said evenly. "However, if the situation demands that it, I will. Therefore, it would be irrational for you to refuse my request. You should instead find another mate more suited to you."

"As you have done."

She paused. "Affirmative."

"I will honor your appeal if you can answer a personal query," he said plainly.

"That is a reasonable request," she responded with a hint of suspicion.

"Do you love him?"

She stared at him with thinly veiled surprise. Spock knew she had no answer to give him. Love was not a contributing factor for choosing a mate. In all likelihood, she had chosen her new mate because he was compatible with her and because of Spock's consistent absence. It was logical that she would prefer another. At the moment, she was looking at him with vague antipathy at such an emotionally charged question, clearly evaluating the influence of his human lineage.

"I retract my inquiry," Spock said with a shake of the head.

She stared at him and pursed her lips. After a moment she simply nodded. Spock was not sure if she was affirming her love for her new partner or if she was excusing the inappropriate nature of his question.

"Spock," she said with a sigh. "You and I are both aware that we are incompatible. I cannot fulfill your emotional needs."

"I believe you are mistaken regarding my emotional needs," Spock murmured. "I have no such illogical desires."

She shook her head.

"Your human blood is touched by it, Spock."

Spock stifled the sensation of taking offense to her comment and simply held out his palms to her. T'Pring's request was not unreasonable. Furthermore, he could not truthfully claim any strong desire to be bonded to her. She said that he should find another more suited to him. He wondered briefly who would be most appropriate and only one face came to mind, despite his best efforts to ignore it. After a heavy moment of silence, she held out her hand to him and gently placed her fingertips to his.

"I acknowledge," he said quietly, "that you who would be my wife has doubts as to my worthiness as a husband. I free you from our bond."

With a short breath, he entered her mind. He was a little surprised at its sharp difference from Cadet Uhura's mind. T'Pring's consciousness felt cold and distant. The first thing he realized when he had finished entering her mind was that he wanted nothing but to separate his own from it. T'Pring's mind was uncomfortable and harsh and caused a sharp prickling sensation at the base of his spine. Spock took as much care as he could while separating their minds and was unsurprised to discover that their minds separated quietly, with no struggle or resistance. It was a significant contrast from the effort it had taken to separate himself from Cadet Uhura's psyche. His mind had been all too comfortable resting intertwined with hers.

When Spock finished the separation with T'Pring, he noted that he did not miss the bond. In fact, he hardly noticed its absence. Its presence had never had a considerable impact on him and its absence was ignored with equal ease.

She touched his shoulder gently.

"I am eternally grateful, Spock. Thank you."

He simply nodded. "Live long and prosper, T'Pring."

"Peace and long life, Spock."

He left her standing in the grass and did not afford her a glance back. Rather, he was content to leave her behind and allow her to fade into anonymity. As he made the walk back to his parents' home at the edge of the city, he tried once more to place the emotion that continued to gather at the base of his stomach. After a moment, he was able to define the sentiment. It was relief.

* * *

When he entered the house, he was unsurprised to see his mother waiting anxiously for him. Her brows were knit in concern as he shut the door behind him. Spock walked past the table she was sitting at, entered the kitchen and began making tea. He hypothesized that his mother would not be able to wait longer than 3.5 minutes before demanding to know what had happened. And once she did, it would become a pointlessly long discussion. An herbal tea would make his mother's inquisition more tolerable.

He felt his mother's gaze on him as he set out cups and waited for the water to boil.

"So, Spock," she began casually. "How is T'Pring?"

"She is in good health," he responded. "I am otherwise unaware of her personal well-being."

He watched with vague amusement as her face pulled itself into an expression of frustration.

Spock ignored her pout and poured the tea. He could hear her foot tapping impatiently as he brought the cups to the table. She gave him a small smile as he set her cup down in front of her and then took a seat across the table. As she surveyed him, he waited for his tea to cool. She fiddled impatiently with the handle of her cup.

"Tell me what happened?" she requested with wide eyes.

He raised an eyebrow at her and took a sip of his drink while she leaned forward eagerly.

"T'Pring and I…" he said slowly. "We are no longer bonded."

Amanda Grayson almost knocked her cup over in surprise.

"But, you said earlier that you need a mate for when you-"

"Indeed," he cut her off. "However, the separation was a logical choice. T'Pring decided she wanted another. She stated explicitly that she would invoke kal-if-fee were I to refuse her request."

His mother's face looked sad for a moment.

"Oh, Spock," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Pardon me, mother," he said lightly. "But you stated earlier that you disapproved of my bond with her, did you not?"

"Well, yes," she said sheepishly. "I didn't expect you to take me so literally though…"

He shook his head. "On the contrary, the decision was T'Pring's. You are in no way responsible."

"But what will you do if you go through-"

"Meditation is a viable alternative," he said promptly.

She smiled indulgently. "So you don't have another in mind?"

"It is irrelevant," he replied evasively.

"Are you sure?" she said patiently.

Spock paused and looked into his cup. With a slight frown he looked back at his mother.

"I do not believe it is of any consequence," he repeated.

"Oh, Spock," she said with a sigh. "But it _is._ You have emotional needs. It's important that you indulge them at least once in a while."

He ignored the feeling of annoyance at the phrase 'emotional needs' and stared into his mother's pleading brown eyes.

"There is no logical reason for me to pursue an intimate relationship with the individual in question."

"Your father has a saying, you know," she replied. "That what is necessary is never illogical."

"I do not have a need for an emotional attachment. I have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way. Human emotions are…irrelevant."

"Are they really?" she mused. "Spock, life is short. Why shouldn't you spend that time being happy? You control your emotions spectacularly well, but you still have them. Besides…you just lost your bonded partner."

"I agree that I should find another," he conceded. "However, it does not make sense for me to choose a human."

"A human?" she said with surprise. "Can you tell me who we're talking about?"

Spock shook his head. "I have already said too much."

"Alright," she said with a dramatic sigh. "But were you to _choose_ a mate based on preference alone, would it be her?"

"She is exceptionally intelligent and aesthetically pleasing. I have not found another who equals her in either of these categories."

"And you enjoy her company?" she prodded.

"Indeed," he said reluctantly.

"Well, I won't tell you what to do."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"But I think she sounds perfectly lovely," she said brightly.

Spock ignored his mother's coy smiles and brought their empty cups to the kitchen, pushing any notions related to Cadet Uhura from his thoughts. However, despite his best efforts he found he could not ignore the gentle feeling of longing lurking at the back of his mind.

* * *

Spock knew he was dreaming. He could tell immediately because in this particular dream, although he was back at Starfleet Academy, the terrain mirrored that of Vulcan. Instead of the San Francisco bay, he stared out at Vulcan's Forge. He looked towards the sky that was filled with clouds. The sun struggled to break through, casting the campus in a grainy sepia light.

At the center of campus was his Advanced Phonology classroom. The lecture hall had simply risen from the sand as he approached, spraying dust everywhere. The campus was desolate, except for one other person. Cadet Uhura sat in uniform at her usual desk, seemingly unfazed by the dust billowing across her desk. Her skin shone warmly in the dim light as she stared out into the distance. Glancing over in his direction, she tucked a piece of dark hair behind her ear and smiled as her affectionate brown eyes met his own.

"Commander," she said pleasantly.

"Cadet," he said evenly. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for class to begin, of course," she said brightly.

He stared at her for a moment, unsure of what he was supposed to do. She looked at him expectantly.

When he didn't answer, she sighed dramatically.

"And you call yourself an instructor. Not much of one apparently."

He titled his head in confusion. "If you would elaborate, cadet. To what aspect of my teaching are you referring?"

"Instructors aren't exactly supposed to fall for their students, you know," she said accusingly.

"Cadet Uhura," he responded, slightly taken aback. "You are mistaken in your assumption that I have formed an attachment to-"

"Oh, come _on_," she groaned. "I'm not going to be around forever for you to figure this out, you know."

Spock stared at her for a moment and then frowned. Distracted for an instant, he stared off into the distance and saw the heat waves rising from the hot ground, distorting the air. The temperature was climbing quickly.

"Cadet Uhura," he said quickly. "We must leave here. A sandstorm will pass through this area in-"

"I'm not going anywhere," she said with annoyance.

"Cadet," he said firmly. "We must evacuate."

She rolled her eyes and ignored him. He felt his chest tighten in alarm.

Spock froze as he saw a massive wall of sand looming in the distance. Plumes of dust spread across campus as it approached. It was easily a kilometer high, but the sand whipping across his vision limited his ability to ascertain the exact height.

"Cadet Uhura," he pleaded. "We must go. Quickly."

She stared at him with empty eyes.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because I do not know-"

"That's not good enough!"

Her dark eyes were angry now. The wind picked up, pulling angrily at her hair and her uniform. She looked as frustrated and desperate as when she had first confronted him in his office. Even if he had an answer to give her, Spock had no time to reply. The wall of sand and dust rushed past, whipping at his clothes and completely obscuring his vision. He tried to reach out for Cadet Uhura but felt only the granules of sand cutting into his palm. He tried to call her name, but coughed on the dust that surrounded him. The wind whipped around and he struggled to maintain his balance. He reached out again to Cadet Uhura and the wind shrieked to a halt. Sand landed heavily around him and the sandstorm had passed as quickly as it had come, continuing on into the distance.

When the sandstorm had passed, he was alone. He blinked the sand away from his eyes, but she had disappeared. He called out her name, but it echoed emptily across the campus. Taking a step forward, he touched her empty desk. He didn't bother trying to search for her. She had vanished with the sandstorm. He turned and watched as it disappeared into Vulcan's Forge.

* * *

Spock awoke to the sound of sand against the windowpane. After turning on the light, he looked towards the window and saw nothing but deep orange dust and sand on the other side of the glass pane. This was to be expected. Summer was the season for dust and sandstorms. The lights flickered for a moment but he ignored it. Sandstorms generated large amounts of static energy. Electrical storms were not abnormal and no cause for alarm. His dream, however, did warrant a level of concern. Spock rarely remembered his dreams and they were largely insignificant. However, this one caused a quiet unease within him. Shaking his head, he dismissed the dream as a culmination of stress related to the events with T'Pring and the ensuing conversation with his mother. Dreams were simply the result of neural processes during sleep. They had no deeper meaning.

However, as he dressed, he could not ignore the sensation of dread. His panic at witnessing Cadet Uhura's disappearance in the Vulcan sandstorm had been genuine. Rationally he told himself that she had simply been a manifestation of his sub-conscious. But that manifestation had a point: she would not wait forever for him to decipher his unfamiliar emotions. While he made his bed, Spock considered the level of specificity she might require. Perhaps it would be sufficient to convey the feeling of alarm at the thought of losing her. Or maybe it would be adequate to tell her the percentage of his thoughts that she occupied in a given day. Otherwise, the only thing Spock knew with any certainty was that he desired her presence and whatever good or bad that could come of it.

**

* * *

A/N: And there's chapter five! I'm not quite sure why, but I've really wanted to do a dream sequence for a while now. Still not sure what I think about it. Also, even though I didn't really want to write in T'Pring, I felt she kind of had to be addressed because the break from the original time line we see in the movie would have occurred around the time Spock was bonded to her and this aspect of Spock's story probably would not have changed. Although, either way, the treacherous T'Pring probably died in the destruction of Vulcan. So no worries. Anyway, thanks for reading everybody! Questions, comments and criticism are all encouraged!**


	6. Words Can't Explain

**A/N: Here's Chapter Six. It took me a little longer than I expected to get it done, but here it is. I hope you all enjoy it. As always, thank you so so much to everyone who reviewed. Your feedback means a lot.**

**LydiaMoon: I took your review into account and made the tiny wording change. I'm not a huge follower of the original series, so I was unaware of the correct wording. However, I can see how it would be annoying for someone who is familiar with the OS, so I edited it.**

Chapter Six – Words Can't Explain

"_Words can't explain_

_How much I miss you._

_There is such an empty space_

_When you are gone."_

* * *

"Oh, excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt."

Nyota looked up from the translator she was working on and flashed a smile at Captain Pike.

"Please, don't worry, sir. I assume you're looking for Captain Becker?"

"I am," he said with a sigh. "I'm guessing the old man is holed up in his office?"

Nyota laughed. "Yes, sir. He complains that the labs can get too hot for him."

Captain Pike smiled crookedly. "Has he as least been helpful with your summer research?"

She nodded fervently. "Captain Becker is very knowledgeable."

Shifting his weight, he raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Well, that's good to hear. Although I imagine that Commander Spock would be more helpful for acoustical engineering research."

Nyota smiled awkwardly. "Captain Becker has been very helpful so far, actually."

Pike watched her carefully and then smiled.

"Are you ready for the start of classes? We don't have much time left until the start of the year."

"Unfortunately, no," she said a little guiltily. "I don't have any of Commander Spock's lesson plans, so I'm not sure how to organize my Aide work. I've been able to set up my office hours though."

"I heard you turned down having your own office," Captain Pike said with a laugh.

She smiled with embarrassment. "I'd prefer to hold my hours in the lab."

"Well, whatever works. From what I hear, you all but live in these labs. At least you won't get lonely. Spock spends most of his time here too, as I'm sure you've noticed."

Nyota paused briefly, missing a beat. Pike surveyed her as she smiled hesitantly.

"Yes, it will make working with him this year simple, at least."

She ignored the uneasy feeling at the back of her mind. She had not anticipated feeling nervous discussing Commander Spock. But she assured herself that she had done nothing wrong. Biting her lip, she forced herself to calm down and smile at Pike.

"Spock can be difficult to work with, but he's dedicated," Pike said vaguely. "I'm sure you won't have any difficulties. You were his top student, after all."

She smiled nervously, unsure of how he knew her.

"Thank you, sir," she said slowly.

He smiled warmly at her and put his hands in his pockets.

"Well, I better get ahold of Becker before he leaves his office for the day. Keep an eye on Spock for me, would you? He needs to learn to live a little."

"Yes, Captain," she said hesitantly.

He turned on his heel and headed for the door, disregarding the need for a customary salute. He paused at the doorway and looked over his shoulder.

"Good luck this year, Lieutenant. Also, Spock should be returning from Vulcan tomorrow morning at 0500 hours."

"Sir?" she said in confusion.

"He'd probably appreciate someone there to welcome him back," he said with a shrug.

He didn't afford her another glance back and left the room whistling.

Nyota frowned and couldn't shake the suspicion that he knew far more than he should. What she didn't understand was how.

* * *

Spock looked over his class notes as the shuttle vessel entered warp drive. Ignoring the slight lurch of the cabin, he organized the notes he planned to give to Cadet Uhura. Normally, he simply gave the Academy Aides notes from the previous year, but he wanted Uhura to have as much reliable and up to date information as possible.

It was logical. This would enable her to use excess time to work on her Aide research with him.

He shifted his weight, unsure of what their reunion would bring. It was completely likely that she had moved on to another or her interest had passed. They had no contact for the past several months. She had remained true to her word and had initiated no contact with him, most likely because her term as Academy Aide had not yet begun.

However, humans were known for their quickly passing attachments. In the absence of emotional stimuli, her infatuation may have faded. His stomach churned unpleasantly, but he reasoned that it was due to the shuttle's clumsy descent into earth's atmosphere. He checked his PADD and noted that it was currently 0700 hours. They had arrived late, but that was unsurprising. The captain had chosen to wait for any additional potential passengers, but it was rare for Vulcans to choose to travel to Earth, unless it was for diplomatic purposes.

Spock watched as Starfleet Academy grew larger as they descended. While he gathered his belongings, the craft landed shakily in hangar three of the shuttle port and he disembarked as the sole passenger of shuttle flight E79660V.

He was welcomed by the familiar smell of fuel and the dim lighting, which shined from bare light bulbs affixed to the high arched ceiling. He looked down the length of the hangar and saw long stretches of darkness disturbed only by small pools of light. He paused when his eyes found the exit. On the other side of the glass, in the waiting area, was the sleeping form of Cadet Uhura. A familiar feeling of warmth ignited in the pit of his stomach and he walked at a pace that was slightly faster than necessary. His footsteps echoed on the iron steps and he pushed the door open. It creaked loudly and he closed it slowly to avoid disturbing her.

He stood in front of the chair she had fallen asleep in and wondered exactly how long she had waited for him. Realizing he was staring, he gently shook her shoulder. She frowned and mumbled incoherently as her eyes flickered open.

Blinking twice, she sat up with alarm.

"Commander Spock," she said quickly jumping to her feet.

"Cadet," he said politely. "What exactly are you doing here?"

She bit her lip. This was a common nervous habit of hers, which he had noticed in the past.

"I was hoping to welcome you back," she said stifling a yawn. "I've been here since 0400 hours because I thought your shuttle might be early. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I was up pretty late in the labs."

He nodded. "I appreciate the thought, Cadet. But how were you aware of my arrival today?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Captain Pike mentioned it when he stopped by the labs yesterday afternoon."

He paused and tilted his head. Despite Pike's easygoing nature, he was a very calculating man. His presence in the labs and discussions with Cadet Uhura could suggest Pike had successfully made deductions regarding Spock's relationship with Uhura. He dismissed the thought after a moment. Pike did not have sufficient information to form an assumption regarding her.

He looked back at her and saw her watching him carefully with a vague look of nervousness. She glanced at the number of folders he was carrying.

"Would you like help carrying any of that back to your office, Commander?"

He was silent for a moment and then held the folders out to her. With slightly trembling hands, she accepted the folders, her fingers gently brushing his. Her hand felt warm to the touch and he had to resist the urge to make mental contact with her. After breaking the bond with T'Pring, he frequently thought of the sensation of Cadet Uhura's mind. He wanted to feel her mind once more. It had been warm and inviting and the lack of a bond only made it more enticing to him. But he restrained himself, remembering her embarrassment and discomfort the last time he had entered her mind without permission.

"Shall we?" she asked with a nervous smile.

He nodded and led her out of the hangar. They stepped out into the San Francisco morning warmth. The sun was slowly rising, but the temperature was already steadily climbing. The fog that was on the bay was floating lazily onto campus and shrouded the two in a cool mist.

They walked in an awkward silence as they approached the science annex and entered the main engineering building. He matched her stride and their boots clicked on the tiled floors in unison. He unlocked the door to his office and let her in.

The office was as small as he remembered, although now a thin layer of dust had settled over most of his belongings. He sat behind his desk and rubbed his temples tiredly while she placed the folders delicately in front of him.

"Please," he said leaning forward. "Sit."

She sat tentatively. "How was your summer, Commander?"

"It was very productive. I made sufficient progress on my research. I trust you did as well?"

She nodded. "I did. I've been working on building translators, mostly. I report to Captain Becker now. He's been very helpful."

Her words hung heavily in the air. She reported to Captain Becker now, just as Spock did. Therefore, strictly speaking, Spock was no longer her commanding officer, nor was he her instructor. To be even more specific, they were not even in the same division. While he himself was in the sciences division, she was not a part of the operation division, holding the rank of Lieutenant.

Stifling his thoughts on the matter, he turned his attention back to research.

"Has Captain Becker given us any specific orders for our research this year?"

He shifted in his chair slightly. It felt odd using the word "we," especially in regards to standing orders. Although, he found it was not an unpleasant sensation.

"He did not give any specific orders, but he suggested focusing on subspace communication and translators."

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you feel comfortable with the subject matter?"

She nodded firmly.

"Then we can begin a research outline in addition to reviewing lesson plans for the upcoming year at your earliest convenience. However, judging from the amount of sleep you have missed, my recommendation is that we wait until this evening or tomorrow morning as a lack of sleep diminishes efficiency. Do you have any questions?"

There was a long, heavy silence and she looked at him pointedly.

"Yes," she said quietly. "Several."

He tilted his head.

"Judging from your tone, I assume that your questions are personal in nature?"

She nodded once and then looked towards the floor.

"I must confess, cadet – Lieutenant," he amended. "I had thought your interest would have faded in my absence."

She looked up at him in alarm.  
"No, sir. Of course not. The opposite actually." She paused. "I've missed you."

His eyes widened slightly while he searched for an appropriate response.

"Thank you," he said simply.

"Thank you?" she echoed quietly. "So is – is this it? I thought when you left – I mean, in my head – the mindmeld…"

She frowned and trailed off, touching her forehead in confusion. She bit back a sigh and stared determinedly at the floor.

"To be perfectly honest," he responded slowly. "I do not know what you experienced during our mindmeld. Many of my sentiments towards you are quiet foreign in nature to me."

She looked up at him with clear apprehension. It looked like she was about to say something, but decided against it, looking slightly disappointed and frustrated. Spock's stomach lurched and he inhaled quietly.

"However," he continued tentatively. "I will admit that I feel a level of affection and attraction towards you that would be deemed inappropriate in the vast majority of circumstances. Furthermore, the thought of you being with another elicits physical responses which suggest nervousness."

She looked up at him and smiled hopefully.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Indeed," he replied shortly. "I apologize if our mindmeld did not sufficiently convey this to you."

She shook her head. "It's alright. It was…nice. I enjoyed it more than the first time anyway," she said with a slight laugh.

He was quiet for a long moment.

"Lieutenant, may I make a personal request?"

She tilted her head to the side and nodded.

"Would you be particularly adverse to another mental contact?" he asked holding out his hand.

Uhura frowned. "Why?"

He was quiet and then slowly said, "To be honest, I…enjoy the feel of your mind. I fully understand if you refuse."

She smiled nervously and gently placed his fingers near her temple, covering his hand with hers. He enjoyed the feeling of warmth from her hand and closed his eyes, pressing gently with his fingertips. Breathing out shortly he entered her mind, unraveling its layers with care.

She opened her mind to him with no hesitation or resistance and he felt reassured by the soft feeling of her consciousness. He felt her devotion and affection for him and allowed his mind to settle at the heart of her psyche.

He was not disappointed. It was as pleasant as he remembered. He felt her heartbeat, her breath and the feel of his fingers on her face. For a moment, he wondered what a bond with her would feel like. Every fiber of his mind ached for her and he could feel his own emotions for her threatening to loose themselves and spill over beyond his control. Clenching his teeth, he pulled himself from her mind, taking extra care while separating their consciousness. They were deeply entwined and the effort took time, but he was able to separate them.

He bit back the feeling of disappointment as he opened his eyes. Her dark brown eyes stared up at him and she smiled gently.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he murmured softly, allowing his fingers to remain joined with hers as he pulled his hand away.

"Please call me Nyota," she said gently. "When we're alone, at least."

"Nyota," he said carefully, trying the feel of it on his mouth.

She smiled at him.

"May I call you by your first name when we're alone?"

She looked at him nervously, the fear of rejection clear in her eyes.

"That is a reasonable request," he said evenly.

Nyota heaved a sigh of relied, gently giving his hand a squeeze.

"I must admit," Spock said slowly. "I am unsure of how to proceed from here. I am unfamiliar with the nuances of human courtship and displays of affection."

She looked at him warmly, relief in her dark brown eyes.

"Don't worry about that, Spock."

He felt his heartbeat increase at the sound of his name.

"You just need to be you," she continued. "We can figure everything else out as we go. But maybe we could start with dinner?" She offered hopefully. "We do need to discuss our research."

Spock paused and nodded. "I approve of your suggestion. However, I would prefer to save subjects of an academic nature for another time. But I would not object to making you dinner."

She looked at him with wide eyes that began to pool with tears. As she bit back a sob, he felt his chest tighten and stood with alarm.

"Nyota, please forgive me," he said quickly. "I was unaware that you placed such a high importance on discussing our research this evening. Like I said, I am unfamiliar with human-"

"It's not that," she said laughing through her tears. "It's just…I'm _happy_," she said emphatically.

He kneeled at her side, offering her a tissue from the box on his desk.

"I beg your pardon, but if you would elaborate," he said with clear confusion.

She laughed with embarrassment while she wiped away her tears and looked into his face intently.

"I've just…been wanting this for so long. A part of me didn't believe it would ever happen." She laughed again, "I'm sorry. I was…irrationally overcome with emotion."

Spock hesitated and then gently raised his fingertips to her cheek, wiping away a tear.

"Please do not apologize, Nyota. While I do not fully understand your emotional responses, I do not wish for you to alter them in any way."

She nodded and smiled at him warmly, tucking a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear.

"You said you would make me dinner?" she asked softly.

He tilted his head. "Indeed. Do you have any known allergies or a strong dislike for any particular foods?"

She bit back laughter and shook her head with a smile.

"Then you are welcome to stop by my residential quarters at 1800 hours."

She looked at him with an odd expression.

"Are you sure that's all right?" she asked slowly.

He nodded. "I understand your concerns, as discretion is of the highest importance. However, your visit is not inappropriate given we are now working together, provided we are capable of keeping our personal lives private and separate from academic matters."

Nyota nodded again with a wistful smile. Spock stood and straightened his uniform, adopting an air of professionalism as he took his seat again.

"Now," he began. "My suggestion is that you take the remainder of the day to rest as you are clearly lacking a sufficient amount of sleep. We will reconvene at 1800 hours at my residence in faculty housing. The number is 150. If you require assistance, you may reach me on my PADD. The pin number is EC196VS. Do you have any further inquiries?"

She bit her lip to stop herself from grinning, with limited success. She entered the information into her PADD, amused by Spock's sudden return to professionalism.

"No, Spock."

He nodded and watched at she looked up from her PADD.

"But you know," she said with a grin. "You should take some time for yourself today too. Live a little."

He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. She smiled and left his office with a wave as he thought on her word choice and their similarities with Captain Pike's. Perhaps Spock had been mistaken to dismiss his suspicions of the captain's deductions so quickly. While the phrase was quite common among humans, it warranted a visit to Captain Pike's office.

* * *

"Captain Pike," he said tightly.

He glanced up from his notes. "What happened to calling me Christopher? Welcome back Spock. How was your time off Earth?"

"It was enjoyable. I completed a great deal of my research."

"You arrived back this morning, right?" he said leaning on the back legs of his chair.

"Indeed."

He smiled slowly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to welcome you back. Was your Aide there?"

Spock tilted his head. "Why do you ask?"

He shrugged. "I mentioned you were getting back today. I thought she might have stopped by."

"Your assumption was correct," Spock conceded.

"So now you both report to Captain Becker," he said leaning back in his chair.

"Affirmative."

"Is it odd?" he asked. "Being more like equals?"

"Christopher." Spock said seriously. "You and I are both aware that this is not casual conversation. What is the purpose of your inquiries?"

Pike sat forward in his chair with a sigh.

"I just want you to be careful, Spock."

"I am unaware of what you are referring to," he responded coolly.

The captain looked at Spock with vague annoyance and scowled.

"Like hell you are. Spock you and I both know that you've had a soft spot for your top student for a while now. What I find surprising is that you were actually able to figure it out."

Spock was silent and merely watched Christopher sigh as he analyzed the situation.

"For the record, Spock," he continued slowly. "I support you in whatever it is you're doing with her. I know you well enough to know that you'll make good decisions. You're not actually breaking any regulations, but I'd be willing to bet money that the administration would draft one if anything got out, faster than you could say statutory-"

"Christopher, Lieutenant Uhura is an adult and we have not done anything inappropriate."

"Not yet," he said with a shrug. "But listen, Spock. Just be careful. She's young and impressionable. The two of you come from very different backgrounds. Just keep that in mind. You can't get involved with her unless you have a good reason. A lot of instructors here can lose themselves in research and then end up with cadets. I don't want you to be one of those instructors who go after cadets solely to satisfy their own loneliness."

Spock hesitated as he considered Pike's words.

"Christopher. I am aware that the situation is…less than ideal. But I have every intention of acting in a manner that is respectful for all parties involved - myself, Lieutenant Uhura, and the Academy. She is…a unique individual. My involvement with her is no simple matter. I proceeded only after considerable deliberation."

"I expected no less," he said with a satisfied nod. "I'm happy for you, Spock."

He raised an eyebrow. "Thank you, Christopher. I assume you understand the importance of discretion regarding this issue."

"Your secret's safe with me," he said with a resolute smile.

"Thank you," he said firmly. "But if you will excuse me, Christopher. I would stay, but I need to gather the necessary supplies to cook dinner this evening."

"For two, I'm guessing?"

"Indeed," he replied shortly. "Therefore, I would appreciate it if you do not illegally enter my quarters for at least one evening."

"Hey, you owe me a rematch as 3D chess," he protested.

He laughed when Spock regarded him severely.

"Fine, I'll wait until tomorrow morning to stop by." He paused. "It _will_ be safe to stop by tomorrow morning, won't it?"

Spock looked back at him levelly.

"Spock, I'm joking," Christopher said with a laugh. "I'm sorry. Anyway, I shouldn't keep you."

"Indeed," Spock said tilting his head.

As he turned to leave, he heard Christopher say one last thing.

"Remember, you have to be careful, Spock."

He turned, nodded once and left.

He was somewhat relieved to know there was another who was aware of his situation with Nyota. It was reassuring that Christopher did not immediately dismiss the situation as questionable and inappropriate. However, he did bring up a valid point. He and Nyota were from two separate worlds. There would undoubtedly be obstacles that he would be unable to foresee and he was unsure of how they would be addressed.

* * *

**A/N: And there's chapter 6! Personally, I like the office scene the best, even if writing an affectionate Spock was difficult. I hope he wasn't too out of character... The scene with Captain Pike is my least favorite, I think, because it had to be brief so the chapter wouldn't be too long and I think it feels rushed because of that. I would have left it out all together, but it was a loose end that I needed to address. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know your thoughts!**


	7. Even Half My Longing

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait everybody. The story isn't on hiatus, I've just been super busy recently. This weekend was the first chance I've had to really take a breather. I've had the first half of this chapter written for a while, but I didn't have the chance to finish it up until today. I spent literally almost all of today putting this together, because I know it's been such a long time. Again, I'm sorry for the wait and thank you to all of you who have stuck with it.**

**JackpotGirl: Thanks for your review. It was the push I needed to finish this chapter. I hope you enjoy it.**

Chapter Seven – Even Half My Longing

_"A person may believe_

_The ocean to be deep but,_

_Even half my longing_

_Would be able to fill it."_

* * *

Nyota awoke from her nap to the sound of steady drizzle against the window. Groggily, she sat up and glanced at the clock. Bright red digital numbers informed her that she had managed to wake a good half hour before her alarm. With a huff, she reached over to switch it off and leaned back in her bed to listen to the gentle drum of the rain. Rubbing her eyes, she glanced over at Gaila's bed. Her roommate had also chosen to remain at Starfleet Academy for the summer rather than return to Orion. Nyota didn't know her reasons and Gaila never offered any. It was an issue that Nyota could tell was sensitive. She wondered briefly if Gaila missed her home. For the past couple of days she had taken to spending the night with another cadet doing research at the Academy over the summer, so the room was thankfully usually unoccupied.

With a sigh, she stood from the bed and cautiously peeked into her wardrobe. With disappointment, she realized the entirety of her wardrobe was comprised of Starfleet Regulation-issued cadet uniforms. The bright red fabric seemed to mock her futile attempts to find a suitable outfit. She sighed as her fingers brushed against the coarse fibers. It probably didn't make a difference. A logical Vulcan would not likely be affected by something as superficial as a change in personal style, but she couldn't deny she would have liked to have an actual date outfit. She briefly considered borrowing something from Gaila, but her roommate had a questionable sense of style. With a hint of disappointment, she dressed in her typical Starfleet uniform and tied her hair back tightly. She allowed herself one indulgence and put on the pair of earrings given to her by her mother as a congratulatory gift when she had been accepted to Starfleet Academy.

With a sigh, Nyota glanced at herself in the mirror once more and headed out the door.

The rain was cool and offered a reprieve from the West Coast's heat. The air was cool and clean and calmed Nyota's nerves. The campus was mostly deserted, but she could not help but feel a little on edge walking to the faculty housing. On the outside, it looked no different from the rest of the campus with its faded brick exterior and tiled roof outfitted with solar panels. It looked painfully normal, but as she stood outside the building in the rain, she couldn't help but feel nervous. Surprisingly, it did not come from any sense of misplaced guilt for going against protocol. In fact, she was surprised to realize that she felt no guilt or shame at all. Only anxiousness to see Spock again. She had been longing to see him - to be with him. She did not quite believe that everything had fallen into place after so long.

She opened the main doors and allowed them to whir shut behind her. The general layout was similar to student housing, but more spacious and with wider hallways. It was clearly better maintained. The doors were spaced generously, indicating apartment style housing. The occupants seemed to be organized by department and rank. As she reached the second floor, she tried to calm her racing heartbeat. Stepping out of the lift, she walked down a series of hallways and stood before his door. Room 150, Commander Spock, Sciences Division.

Nyota smiled a little to herself. Despite her nervousness, nothing felt more natural to her than this. She pressed the buzzer without hesitation. There was a brief pause and the door slid open, revealing Spock, waiting to greet her.

"Cadet-" He paused. "Nyota, please come in."

She stepped in tentatively and took off her boots to avoid tracking mud across the apartment and smiled up at him. His dark brown eyes regarded her levelly. With a nod, he held out his hands to take her uniform jacket. She shrugged it off and he hung it on a peg by the door. She tugged anxiously at the sleeve hem of her black undershirt as she tried to decipher what he was thinking. The silence was making her nervous. His stoicism had always been a bit of a challenge during lessons, but it seemed far more significant now that they were attempting to build a relationship. She watched him as he moved aside to allow her to inspect the apartment.

"I assume locating my residence did not pose a challenge?"

"No," she replied with a slight smile. "No problems whatsoever."

He nodded in recognition and straightened his undershirt as she walked past the threshold and onto the soft carpeting of his apartment. She smelled the faint aroma of food wafting from the kitchen to her right. The room was so quiet she could hear something on the stove simmering. She turned to survey his living room. A small round table with two chairs and table settings were placed in front of the window that looked out onto campus.

A small, black couch sat across from a coffee table in the center of the room, opposite a television. The walls were lined with bookshelves crammed with books on subjects ranging from subspace anomalies to warp drive engines. On a side table next to the couch, she spotted a picture frame. The photo was of two figures standing in front of a large forge. Nyota assumed them to be his parents. As she stared at the photo, she realized that he had let her in on the most intimate aspects of who he was. His personal life. Nyota wondered how many people ever saw his apartment or were privy to these personal details of his life.

"Thank you," she said emphatically. "For having me over."

He shook his head. "I assure you, Nyota. It is of no inconvenience."

She stared up at him and smiled. He looked oddly relaxed here. At home. Arms that were often clasped behind his back hung comfortably at his sides. He had forgone the outer uniform jacket and stood in a long sleeved undershirt. Nyota catalogued the image and the way the dark fabric clung to sloping, broad shoulders and hugged his chest.

Nyota looked away for a moment and surveyed the room again. A tiny door down the short hall next to the kitchen was most likely his bedroom. The door was shut tightly and she wondered for a moment what it looked like. She brushed the thought away. She was getting ahead of herself.

"May I ask what's for dinner?" She asked hesitantly.

"I have prepared a variety of Vulcan dishes," he explained. "Do you have any objections?"

"No," she said with a hint of surprise. "I've always been curious about Vulcan cuisine."

Truthfully, she was rather apprehensive. However, she wanted to understand him in every and any way possible. This was just another small step forward.

He raised an eyebrow and she smiled sheepishly. It was clear he saw straight through her, but didn't call her on it.

Grinning, she sat on the couch and looked at the 3D chessboard in front of her on the coffee table.

"I hear you're very good at this game," she remarked.

He paused. "I have never lost a match, so I would deem myself proficient."

Nyota raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Indeed," he said shortly.

She smiled. "Want to play?"

He was quiet for a moment and then nodded, sitting down on a chair on the other side of the table. He leaned close, fingertips touching in concentration.

"Will we have time for a full game before dinner?" Nyota asked.

He glanced up, his dark eyes staring into her.

"I do not expect this game to take very long."

Nyota smiled slightly at the subtle jab. It was probably true. She watched as his long fingers picked up a pawn and moved it forward two spaces. She picked up her knight and moved it up a level. The corners of his mouth twitched in amusement and his eyes lit up, causing her to realize that she had probably made a poor move choice. She wasn't quite sure how she could have made a mistake so early, but ignored the thought as he moved his bishop out. Nyota picked up a pawn and moved it forward. She studied his calm and collected expression. With a smile, she realized that he must have been thinking several moves ahead of her, weighing her possible moves and his logical counter moves. While considering her next move, she wondered if that was how he lived his life, always analyzing future situations and reasoning out the proper response. She made another move and he plucked her queen off the board with his knight. She smiled wryly. If that was how he lived his life, how then had they gotten to this point? Nyota realized that being with her was wholly illogical and could not determine what could have possibly possessed him to choose her.

"Check."

She turned her focus back to the game. She was missing half of her pieces and was dangerously close to suffering a crushing defeat. She moved her rook back and he moved his bishop forward, placing her in check again. She looked up and down the board and analyzed the positions of his pieces. The game was over. With a frustrated sigh, she knocked over her king and forfeited the match. He raised his eyebrows at her and she scowled.

"You're ridiculously good at this."

He nodded. "Thank you, Nyota. But I imagine you are being far too critical of yourself. You played well."

He locked his gaze with hers and she felt her breath catch in her throat.

"Thanks," she murmured as he rose to his feet.

While she reorganized the chess board, he set the table. The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon and cast wide orange shafts of light across the floor. She watched as he meticulously organized the table as weightless platelets of dust illuminated by the evening light floated lazily around him. She smiled as he looked back at her and beckoned her to join him. She sat across from him and studied his features, content to be reunited with him again. Regulation or not, this felt as natural as breathing.

Biting her lip, she looked down at her plate. There was a grain-like side dish that resembled rice, but had a disconcerting bluish tint and something that resembled lentils, along with a side of what she recognized as plomeek soup.

"Your silence does not seem to indicate an enormous level of enthusiasm," he remarked.

She laughed. "Just surprised. I didn't know you could cook."

"The process of cooking is nothing more than a series of basic chemical interactions," he explained with a shrug. "It is not an overly complicated process."

She smiled and took a bite.

"I suppose. But my own cooking skills are somewhat…lacking."

Nyota discovered that overall, Vulcan food was rather bland and inoffensive, but enjoyable nonetheless. Even the frightening blue rice had been perfectly palatable.

She laughed a little. "Thank you for this, Spock. Your cooking is very good. The dining hall is closed for the summer, so it's difficult to find good food."

He raised an eyebrow. "Then how do you locate viable forms of sustenance?"

She smiled. "Eat out or scrounge around. Gaila usually gets guys to take her out to dinner."

He paused. "And do you utilize such methods?"

She looked up at him in confusion. "No, of course not. Why?"

He shook his head and shrugged slightly. She smiled.

"So that's been my summer. Engaging in a Darwinian battle for survival and completing my summer research. What about you? You said you wanted to do research at the Vulcan Science Academy?"

He nodded. "It was very productive. I completed all my research."

"Was it enjoyable?"

He paused for a moment while he considered her question.

"Yes," he said finally.

"May I ask a question?"

He nodded.

"Why did you choose to enlist in Starfleet? You could have done research on Vulcan, right?"

He hesitated. "I was accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy, yes."

"And you chose Starfleet."

"Affirmative."

"Why?"

He was quiet for a while, doing his own form of mental arithmetic, weighing the value of his words.

"I realized that the members of the Academy would never see my accomplishments as separate from my human disadvantage."

She stared at him in shock.

"You mean your _perceived_ human disadvantage," she said gently.

He looked back at her with unspeakable emotions in his eyes and Nyota realized how much his life must have been a struggle. As a child of two worlds, he must have had to continuously struggle to make a place for himself.

"Precisely," he said quietly.

"Well, I'm glad you chose to come here."

"As am I. I firmly believe that I have produced valuable work with Starfleet."

"What do you plan to do after finishing teaching?"

"I will be serving on the Enterprise once it is completed a year from now."

She smiled broadly. "I've been aiming to serve on the Enterprise for a while. That must be exciting."

He paused.

"I expect it will be a valuable experience," he said slowly.

She watched him curiously as he avoided her gaze. Perhaps he was realizing the brevity of their relationship. If Nyota did not successfully gain a position on the Enterprise after graduation, their relationship would surely be over.

Even if she _did_ get a position on the Enterprise, they might not be together still. It hurt for her to realize this. That some things did not last forever.

"Is something troubling you, Nyota?"

She looked up at him impassively and saw traces of concern in his gaze. Slowly he reached out across the table and covered her hand with his own. His skin was soft and cool to the touch. No, things did not last forever. Nyota wondered how such a union would work. For Spock, logic was like the air around him. All encompassing, necessary for survival. What if there was no room for her in this world? Her fingers found his and she laced their hands together.

"I'm fine," she said quietly. "Just thinking."

He raised an eyebrow and she couldn't help but smile.

"Don't worry about it," she shook her head. "It's not important."

He traced his thumb over the back of her hand and she grinned at him.

"No cheating," she said teasingly.

"Do not worry," he assured her. "I will not make any sort of mental contact with you without your permission."

She smiled and nodded. His thumb continued to trace tiny circles against her skin.

"I remember how distressed you were the first time," he said. "I will not make such a mistake again."

"Even if you enjoy the feel of my mind?" she said with a half smile.

He nodded and she paused. The room was beginning to grow dark and she wondered if he would activate the lights soon. He seemed comfortable and dark eyes watched her carefully as she bit her lip.

"What if I want you to?" she said quietly.

His eyes widened imperceptibly and he stood and walked to the couch. He looked back at her and she followed him and sat down. She could feel her heart thundering in her chest and she knew he felt it too. His hands cradled hers, with one finger curled around her wrist where he pulse was racing.

"If you would like me to," he said evenly. "I of course have no objections."

His eyes watched her and she felt her face flush. She leaned close to him and he wrapped his arms around her as her eyes fluttered shut. He gently cradled her head as she sighed gently and opened herself to his mind's embrace.

* * *

Nyota watched as Spock studied the class list before the students arrived. She swung her legs in excitement as she sat on the lectern, watching as he steadily memorized the student lists.

"Off the podium," he said lightly.

She grinned and hopped down.

"Any interesting students?" she asked.

Spock paused. "I suppose that would depend on your criteria for interesting. There is nothing to suggest any of these students are out of the ordinary. Unless you count a certain Cadet Chekov, who has apparently skipped almost as many grades as he as completed."

"A kid genius," Nyota said with a hint of surprise. "Interesting."

"Indeed. There is also a cadet that Captain Pike told me to watch for."

"Who?"

"Cadet James Kirk."

Nyota's face darkened as she grimaced. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Are the two of you acquainted? Christopher said that he has a great deal of potential."

Nyota rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Nyota, do you know him?"

"Unfortunately. I don't want to talk about it," she muttered.

He watched her with curiosity, but did not pursue the matter because students began filing into the room, cutting off their conversation. Nyota sat at her desk next to the podium and turned on her PADD. As she watched the cadets walk in, she smiled warmly at them and introduced herself.

However, her demeanor immediately changed once a tall, blond cadet sauntered into the room and leaned against her desk.

"Well, isn't this a surprise."

"Good morning, Cadet Kirk," Uhura grit out.

He smiled. "Good morning to you too. Any chance you've thought about my offer?"

"No," she said flatly.

"Come on, dinner in exchange for your name. I'd say that's a pretty good deal."

"I'd advise you to take your seat," she said with annoyance.

He grinned at her and shrugged. "I look forward to having you as the teaching aide this semester, Uhura. When are your office hours exactly?"

Her eyes narrowed.

"Office hours are by appointment. If you have a legitimate reason to make one, we can discuss it then. Otherwise, please just take your seat," she said tiredly.

"Well, since you asked so nicely," he said with a grin.

He ambled to a seat in the front row of the lecture hall and leaned back lazily in his chair. Spock watched as Uhura scowled with annoyance. The rest of class passed without any particular incident, but Spock noted Cadet Kirk's constant level of attention to Nyota. His attentive gaze was fixed on her and made him uneasy. He could not deny that felt a clear measure of annoyance towards the cadet whom Captain Pike had spoken so highly of. Even more disquieting was Nyota's previous refusal to inform him of the manner of their acquaintance. Spock could only hypothesize the reasons for Nyota's intense dislike for Cadet Kirk and his constant affections. Regardless, he reasoned that the cadet was out of line in his constant pursuit of Nyota given her clear distaste for his attentions.

Once class ended, Spock gathered his PADDs and left the classroom for his office. He felt Nyota's eyes on him and realized that she most likely found his sudden departure confusing and troubling. He could hear her rapidly packing up her things and telling a certain cadet to "shove it". Her boots tapped loudly on the tiled floor as she jogged to catch up to him.

"Commander!" she said breathlessly as he opened his office door.

"Lieutenant," he said evenly as he opened the door and sat down at his desk.

She stood in the doorway, her hand resting on the door frame. As she watched him, she sighed and shut the door behind her and locked it with a quiet click.

"Spock," she murmured. "What's the matter?"

"I do not believe I have done anything to indicate that something is amiss."

She frowned as she walked to his side and sat down on the desk so she was facing him.

"I can tell," she said. "I can tell something is troubling you. Is it Kirk?"

He looked away from her and she nodded with a sigh.

"So it is Kirk," she said.

"I do find his attention given to you to be rather inappropriate," he conceded.

Nyota smiled a little. "That makes two of us then."

He raised an eyebrow and she sighed and reached out to him and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. She stroked his cheek with her thumb as he regarded her impassively.

"Are you jealous?" she asked teasingly.

"I am not," he said slowly.

"Good," she said quietly. "Because there's no reason for you to be. You're the only one I want."

He nodded slowly and reached up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. He allowed his hand to linger on the side of her face for a moment and she smiled at him as she tried to calm her heartbeat. Listening to her heart thunder wildly in her ears, she leaned down and gently placed her lips to his. Her eyes fluttered shut as she allowed herself to enjoy the soft sensation of his lips against her own. He hesitated and then after a moment, reciprocated the kiss as he laced his fingers in her hair. She felt him sigh quietly and she smiled against his skin. There was a knock at the door and Spock stiffened. Nyota pulled away and rested her forehead against his.

"It's locked," she said quietly. "You don't have to answer it."

He looked up at her evenly and she sighed dramatically.

"Fine, fine."

She hopped off the desk and planted another quick kiss on his lips and headed for the door. Her heart was still racing and her head was spinning. She grinned back at him.

"Like I said, Spock. You're the only one I want."

His eyes watched her warmly and he nodded as she turned the handle and opened the door.

**

* * *

A/N: And there's chapter seven! I'll get started on chapter 8 as soon as possible. I feel bad for making you guys wait so long for ch.7, so I'll try and make it up to you guys. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter. Thanks for reading!**


	8. Never Doubt I Love

**A/N: So here's chapter 8. I hope you enjoy it. I thought I wouldn't have this done until the end of the week, but I ended up watching Star Trek last night, and it inspired me to finish up the chapter. I would've liked more time to make some edits, but I wanted to get the update done. Thanks for your support!**

Chapter Eight – Never Doubt I Love

"_Doubt thou the stars are fire;_

_Doubt that the sun doth move;_

_Doubt truth to be a liar;_

_But never doubt I love."_

* * *

For the first time ever, Nyota was nervous about an exam. She knew that this would be an exam unlike any other and would potentially alter the course of her Starfleet career. While the Kobayashi Maru was a make or break kind of test for those on the Command track at the Academy, it assessed the capabilities of all cadets to perform in high-pressure situations. Those who performed poorly were likely to be overlooked for high profile starship placements, a fate Nyota desperately wished to avoid. With a position on the U.S.S Enterprise on the line, Nyota could not help but be anxious.

Spock, too, was tense. He didn't show it, but she could tell from his gloomy silence and his intense devotion to grading papers that he did not have to hand back for another week. He had created the Kobayashi Maru and would be administering it to her. The unconventional situation had seemed to put a strain on things.

Nyota would have liked to ask him for advice, but she knew better than to push that boundary between personal and professional. Relationship or not, she would be facing the Kobayashi Maru alone.

"Spock."

She was sprawled out on the floor of his living room, PADDs scattered around her, writing up research reports for Captain Becker on Sub-Space Transmissions. Spock was supposed to be working with her on these reports, but remained sitting at the table, with his class papers in orderly stacks.

"Spock," she said again, this time more insistently.

He glanced up at her and looked at her levelly. While his face was expressionless, Nyota could tell from the look in his eyes that he was uncomfortable. She sighed and he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Nyota?"

She frowned and sat up.

"Is something bothering you, Spock?"

He paused. "There is no reason for you to be concerned, Nyota."

"That doesn't answer my question," she said a little frustrated. "Is this about the Kobayashi Maru?"

There was only brittle silence. Looking at the table, Spock put down his PADD and shifted in his seat.

"Spock," she said patiently. "Why is this bothering you? I haven't brought it up once. Afraid I'm going to beat the test answers out of you?"

"On the contrary Nyota," he replied lightly. "Given the complexity of the program, there would be no way for you to utilize any sort of valuable information from me without cheating."

"Then why the ominous silence?" she persisted. "You haven't looked at me once since I walked in the door. Why did you even invite me over tonight?"

"I believe it was you who suggested that you come here tonight to work on your research reports with me," he responded evenly.

"_I've_ been working on the research reports. _You've_ been grading papers."

She stared at him with frustration and tried to understand his sudden detachment. He had said there was no reason to be concerned. Nyota knew Spock well enough to know that he would not have said this unless it was true, but could not help but feel uneasy.

When he looked away from her, she sighed and began to gather her things. Startled, Spock almost moved to his feet, but paused as she forcefully threw her last PADD into her bag and turned to leave.

"Nyota," he said quietly.

Biting her lip, she walked back towards him and set her bag at his feet. With a heavy sigh, she put her hands on his shoulders.

"Spock," she murmured. "Tell me."

His wide brown eyes stared up at her and she ran her fingers across his cheek and traced his tapered eyebrows.

"Just tell me."

"Please understand my position, Nyota. I am unaccustomed to being in a situation such as this."

"The Kobayashi Maru is only a test, Spock."

"You should take the exam more seriously, Nyota," he chided.

"I _am_," she said in annoyance."Spock, you're only proctoring the exam. Not grading it. There's no conflict of interest."

"It is not that. I am…" he paused and frowned, trying to place the emotion. "I am anxious."

"Anxious?" she said a little indignantly. "_You're_ anxious? I'm the one who has to take your test."

"Nyota," he said calmly. "I am anxious because I want you to do well, but I am not in a position to help you. If I was a peer, I could offer you advice, information…however, for obvious reasons, I cannot. Please understand."

"I don't need information or advice from you," she huffed. "I need…"

She sighed and shook her head. He looked at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she stubbornly avoided his gaze.

Spock gently placed his hands at her waist and after a moment of hesitation, she leaned comfortably against his hands. He tenderly grasped her hips, plying her to respond.

"I just need you," she murmured finally. "I need you to…to try to help me through this. My nerves are a wreck. I have no appetite. I want to do well on this, I want a position on the Enterprise. Starfleet puts so much emphasis on this test and I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I need you to be there for me and you haven't looked at me once tonight."

He opened his mouth to answer and she cut him off.

"And I don't mean help me through this in terms of advice," she said hastily. "I mean...emotionally."

Nyota paused.

"I understand if that may be too much to ask from you," she added quietly.

Spock looked up at her and seemed to be trying to say something, but remained silent. The biting silence made her wince and she sighed in frustration as she tried to pull away from him. His grip remained tight.

"Nyota."

She shook her head. Nyota was fully aware that emotions were buried deep within Spock. The only times she fully understood his thoughts were during intimate moments of mindmelds, when their thoughts were together as one. She was asking a lot from him, she knew this. Perhaps it was unfair of her to ask him to go against a life's work of training to suppress and ignore emotions in favor of pure logic, but she desperately needed him to understand her. To understand her without taking advantage of his advanced mental capabilities.

"Nyota, I…" he trailed off.

"I know, Spock," she murmured. "I know it's difficult."

She gently stroked his face and leaned down to kiss his forehead. He squeezed her waist gently once more.

"I should go," she said quietly. "My exam is early tomorrow."

"Yes, I am aware."

Reluctantly he removed his hands and placed them neatly in his lap, watching her carefully. She avoided his gaze as she picked up her bag and turned to leave.

"Nyota," he said firmly.

Her hand paused at the door handle and she turned to meet his level gaze.

"You were my top student," he said with an edge of desperation.

She tilted her head in confusion and waited for him to finish.

"You have an unparalleled ability to identify sonic anomalies in subspace transmission tests. I-"

"What's your point?"

"I am confident in your abilities to perform well on any exam," he said finally.

Nyota suppressed a smile and nodded as she opened the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Spock."

"Indeed."

She glanced over her shoulder again as she walked out the door. He was still sitting in his chair, looking out his window now, and looking a little forlorn. The door whirred shut behind her.

* * *

Nyota shifted uncomfortably in the captain's chair while the other Academy Aides serving as her crew took their places on the bridge.

Captain Becker was doing a roll call. All Aides and Simulator Technician Personnel were present.

She shifted again in her seat and listened to the leather creak. She was so far out of her element that she didn't know what to do except sit as the test geared up around her.

Cadet Grish sat at the Communications station, spinning lazily in his chair. He glanced at Nyota and winked. She scowled and turned her attention to the simulation panel, which showed the blank slate of the Klingon Neutral Zone. In her head, Nyota listed all of the treaties that would be violated if she entered the neutral zone. She sighed and glanced up at the viewing panel where she saw Spock examining the computer simulation's code. He nodded to Captain Becker, who leaned forward and hit the intercom button jovially.

"All systems go. Make the department proud, Cadet Uhura."

She nodded grimly and the control panels lit up, starting the simulation.

"Captain," Grish said cheerfully. "We're getting a distress call from the Class-III neutronic fuel carrier _Kobayashi Maru_."

She nodded once. "What is the nature of their emergency?"

Grish tapped his control panel a couple of times and leaned back in his chair. "They've struck a gravitic mine. The ship has lost all power and life support is failing. They've already suffered many casualties. We've been commanded to start a rescue mission."

She turned toward her pilot. "Calculate the most direct interception course."

"Captain," he responded unenthusiastically. "Entering the Klingon Neutral Zone violates the Organian Peace Treaty."

"I am aware," she replied with clear dread. "Just do it."

"Aye, Captain."

He boredly typed in their location to calculate a course. Nyota watched the other Aides and wondered how many times they had administered the test this year. They certainly had seemed to lose their enthusiasm for it.

"Grish," she said sharply. "Keep an eye on the Kobayashi Maru's frequency. We can't lose contact with them."

"Yes ma'am," he said emphatically.

The simulation screen changed as they entered the Neutral Zone and the Kobayashi Maru became visible in the distance.

"Uhura," Grish interjected. "We've lost contact with the crippled vessel."

"Fantastic," she muttered. "What was their last transmission?"

He leaned forward to read off his screen.

"'Main power systems have failed. Losing communications power. Help.'"

A loud beeping sound cut through and the pilot called for Nyota's attention.

"Captain, Klingon starships have entered the area and are on an intercept course."

"Contact them immediately," she said levelly.

"Nothing but radio silence, Captain."

"Captain, they're opening fire."

The simulation room was filled with a shrill, shrieking noise and colorful light filled the simulation panel.

"Captain, we've taken damage."

"All power to front shields," she said severely.

"Yes, Captain."

"Grish, try a different frequency. We need to-"

"I've lost communications from the last hit, Captain."

"Then reconstruct the subspace transmitter and resent the frequency settings," she said in annoyance as she turned her attention back to the simulation.

"I don't know how-"

"Captain, shields are failing, we don't have enough power to maintain them-"

Her mind raced, thinking back to her field trip to the shipyard in Iowa and her instructor's explanation of the power distribution system.

"Take the energy from the solar battery cells," she said quickly. "Divert it away from the other subsystems. You _must_ maintain the shields."

She rushed over to Grish's station.

"Move," she said flatly.

He leaned back and she tore open the control panel. She stared at the wires and realized that the simulation room used the same system that she had been working with over the summer. Wryly, she realized it was the only thing in this entire simulation that she felt comfortable with. After reorganizing the wires and shutting the control panel, she managed to reboot the communications system. Grish grinned up at her.

"Don't look so smug," she said dryly. "Try every frequency we have. Make contact with them."

"You got it," he beamed.

She returned to her place and stared at the simulation. They were completely surrounded. Glancing at the left hand corner of the screen, she saw how quickly shields were failing. The subsystems didn't have nearly enough energy to maintain the shields. She stared at the Kobayashi Maru in the distance. There was no way to rescue the vessel.

Nyota turned to her first officer.

"I need you to prepare the ship for an evacuation."

"But Captain, the Kobayashi Maru-"

"There's no way for us to rescue it," she said evenly. "Our shields are about to fail. We may not be able to retreat before they go. Prepare for evacuation."

She turned towards the pilot.

"Start a retreat course."

Nyota looked at the shields gauge.

30%

23%

12%

5%

A loud siren started blaring at the ship took on critical damage.

"Captain, shields are gone."

"The evacuation plans-"

"There isn't enough time!"

One lone photon streamed towards them, cutting across the simulation screen. For a moment, Nyota remarked to herself that the streaming tail of light actually looked quite pretty. Then it hit. She braced herself for the rumble and the explosion, but instead the screen went black and all the panels slowly faded as they shut down. There was a low electrical hum as the simulation ended.

The other Aides stood and stretched and talked amongst themselves. Nyota stared at the dark screen, dumbfounded. The test had seemed so short, so simple. The sinking feeling in her gut told her that she had performed rather dismally on the simulation. Grish came up to her and slapped her on the back.

"Not to shabby, Uhura."

She glared at him.

"So you're not captaining material," he said with a shrug. "You did phenomenally with the communications station. Ripping open the control panel. Didn't think of that during _my_ test, that's for sure."

"Grish," she said flatly.

"Mm?"

"Shut up."

Nyota had finished her test, so she was free to go. Her face felt hot as she slunk out of the room, feeling more humiliated than she had in a while. Once out in the hall, she took a deep breath and tried to clear her head. This was okay. She had done fine. No one passed. No one. It was a no-win scenario. Defeat was expected. She had simply lived up to expectations.

She grimaced in dissatisfaction. Nyota could not help but feel woefully inadequate after being thoroughly trounced by Spock's program. A part of her wanted to go to him, and do nothing more than sit in a comfortable silence with him, but at the same time, she did not know how to bring herself to face him.

Quiet footsteps echoed down the hall and Nyota looked up. It was Spock, carrying his PADD, looking ambivalent. She bit her lip as she watched him and felt her chest constrict. Right now, Nyota could not handle his detached distance and his incomprehensible silence. She needed the comfort that he could not give her. Panicking, she turned away and hurried down the hall. She heard his footsteps pause as she ran away from him.

He didn't follow.

She didn't know where she was running until she reached the atrium of the Astronomy department. She sat down on the bench in front of the model of the solar system and squeezed her eyes shut, forcing back the tears that threatened to spill. Nyota swallowed. Her throat felt dry. She exhaled slowly, trying to even her breathing.

Truthfully, Nyota didn't know why exactly she was so upset. She had not done terribly on the exam. She had certainly not performed as well as she would have liked, but she was not a Command-track student. She was not expected to perform well. It had felt like she was fighting a losing battle. That feeling of the ground crumbling beneath her feet had scared her in a manner she had only ever experienced once - when she had learned of her father's disappearance. She bit her lip. And Spock. She had never expected to feel so lonely while she was with him. A creeping fear at the back of her mind whispered one frightening thought. What if he could not give her what she needed?

A figure sat lazily down next to her and grinned infuriatingly at her.

"Well hey there, stranger."

She glared up at James Kirk's bright blue eyes.

"Is there something I can do for you, Cadet?"

"Several things actually," he said raising his eyebrows suggestively.

She rolled her eyes.

"Listen Kirk, I'm really not in the mood-"

He smirked.

"-for your antics," she said ignoring his wink.

"Well, you're the Xenolinguistics Aide. You're _supposed_ to be in the lab holding evening office hours now. I need help with an assignment."

She looked at him sharply. He seemed completely serious.

"I cancelled my office hours today," she sighed. "It should have been posted on the door."

"Cancelled?" he said indignantly. "What gives?"

"I had my Kobayashi Maru test today," she said flatly.

He paused and leaned back. After a brief moment of silence, he nodded his understanding.

"Got it," he nodded. "How was it?"

"Dismal," she said with a sigh. "A no-win scenario. The worst kind."

"I don't believe in no-win scenarios," he said with a shrug. "No such thing."

"You better," she said sharply. "You have to take it too eventually, you know."

"And you'll be there to witness me beat it," he said standing with a stretch.

"You can't beat it," she said with annoyance.

"I'll beat it," he said with confidence. "So cheer up."

"You're full of it," she protested. "You can't."

He looked back and grinned at her.

"Watch me."

With a wink, he sauntered away, leaving her to watch his retreating figure.

She stared at her boots. His claim was laughable, defiant. The arrogance of it made her temper simmer. Once again, James Kirk seemed to so easily make a mockery of everything she struggled with. She rubbed her forehead and sighed. No such thing as a no-win scenario.

Her PADD beeped loudly and she knew who it was. It was Spock, undoubtedly wondering where she was. Worrying about her, maybe. Or the closest thing to worrying that he was capable of. She was tempted to ignore it, but opened her bag and checked the screen.

_Where are you?_

Nyota shook her head with a sigh and put it back in her bag. She knew she was being unfair. Just because Spock didn't – or couldn't – love her the way she wanted him to didn't mean he didn't love her with all he had. Her PADD beeped again.

_I have returned to my residence for the evening if you would like to visit._

She just didn't know if it was enough.

* * *

The door slid open before she had even pushed the doorbell. Spock stood in the doorway, his face smooth, but Nyota could see the concern in his eyes.

"Nyota," he breathed. "Please come in."

Timidly, she took off her boots and entered the apartment as the door slid shut. She turned to look up at him.

"So you saw it?"

Spock tilted his head.

"Saw me crash and burn during the test today," she added in annoyance.

He paused.

"Nyota, you did not perform poorly on the exam."

She looked away and struggled to find a way to explain it to him.

"I assume you feel you did not perform up to your own expectations?"

"Something like that," she murmured.

"I am pleased with how you did today, Nyota," he said slowly. "I am…proud of your performance on the exam."

She looked up at him, startled.

"What are you talking about?"

"Perhaps you did not perform well on the captaining portion of the exam, but you certainly demonstrated an expertise of the Communications system. Granted, it was…unorthodox."

"Yeah, I'll say," she said rubbing her eyes. "I _ripped open_ the control panel."

There was a long silence and Nyota watched Spock from the corner of her eye. He seemed to be at a loss for words. After a moment of hesitation, he moved towards her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace.

"Spock?" she said in confusion. "What are you doing?"

He pulled away.

"Forgive me, it is what my mother would often do when she believed something to be troubling me. I-"

She cut him off by burying her face in his chest and hugging him tightly, ignoring the tears that escaped from beneath her eyelids. He rested his chin on the top her head and ran his hand through her hair.

"I apologize for last night," he said quietly. "I often forget about the emotional needs of humans. In the future, I will-"

"I know, Spock," she interrupted. "It's okay. You're okay. Just the way you are."

She craned her neck to look up at him and he wiped away the tears that were slowly running down her face. He looked at her gently and she smiled slightly at him. Standing on her toes, she softly pressed her lips to his, allowing her eyes to flutter shut.

Perhaps their relationship wasn't perfect, but perhaps that was why she had felt unsatisfied. She had naively believed the world, their relationship, _him_, to be perfectible and therefore would find it dissatisfying. Perfect or not, she needed him. She would suffer through as many awkward silences as she needed to, as long as it was with him.

He sighed against her mouth and pulled her tightly to him, allowing his hands to rest at the small of her back. She clutched at his shirt as he allowed her to deepen the kiss. He let out a low and quiet groan as she pressed against him.

It would take work and time. Nyota didn't know if it would be worth it, but she wasn't sure if she cared anymore. All she knew was that she needed him. For better or worse, their lives were inexorably linked now.

Her PADD beeped loudly and she moved to answer it. Spock let out a growl of displeasure, but removed his hands from her hips. She looked up into his eyes and noticed a strength of emotion that she was unaccustomed to seeing. Animalistic desire swam in his eyes, threatening to break through the heavy constraints of logic and principle.

She glanced at the screen.

"It's Gaila," she breathed. "She's wondering where I am and when I'm coming back tonight."

"Stay," Spock said quietly.

She paused and looked at him.

"I want you to stay," he repeated.

She smiled slightly as she tossed the device back into her bag.

"I haven't left yet, have I?"

"No," he murmured wrapping his arms around her. "No, you have not."

**

* * *

A/N: Chapter 8, fin. Sorry to kind of cut it off there. I wasn't sure how explicit to make the chapter, so I decided to wait to see what the reaction to this would be. Let me know your thoughts.**


	9. Together In That First Sun

**A/N: Here's chapter 9! Thanks everyone for reading. I'm glad that you all (for the most part) enjoyed chapter 8. I know I took come creative license regarding the Kobayashi Maru test, but it was something I was interested in writing and I could use it as a plot device, so I went for it. Anyway, many of you encouraged me to continue the scene I left off with in chapter 8, so I did. Therefore, ****this chapter is rated M****. I will change the story's rating if I need to, but at the moment I don't have any additional explicit scenes planned. If you do not wish to read the sexually explicit scene, ****skip to the page break****. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, fav'd or put me/the story on their alerts list. I appreciate it.**

Chapter 9 – Together In That First Sun

"_Together in that first sun,_

_So vivid –_

_There must be a pattern_

_I'd hung my life on"_

* * *

His warm breath on her neck caused minute trails of sensation to crawl across her skin and down her spine. She suppressed a shudder and bit back a moan. Her mind hummed with pleasure as the room seemed to fade from focus. She allowed her eyes to slide shut and let out a breathy sigh.

"Spock."

His hands gripped her waist tightly and pulled her firmly against him and she could feel his pulse racing beneath warm flesh. She leaned comfortably against him as his hands wandered under her shirt and up her back, tracing small circles with his fingertips. He gazed down at her as he exhaled heavily. She wrapped her arms behind his neck as she leaned up into his kiss. It was insistent and almost pleading in a way. She pulled away and heard a low growl deep in his throat.

Despite his protest, Nyota needed to see the look in his eyes. Heavily lidded eyes watched her carefully. His carefully controlled breathing was deep and even. She reached up to stroke his face, smiling to herself. She had to admit to herself that there were still many things she was unsure of. She wasn't completely sure they would last and she wasn't sure if he was in love with her. To be completely honest, she wasn't even sure of how they ended up in his bedroom. In spite of this, there was only one thing she was certain of. She needed him.

His eyes went dark with desire as she watched him questioningly. He leaned towards her and an isolated stream of moonlight pouring across the room illuminated his features. His lips met hers for a long kiss and she rotated her hips against him.

"Nyota."

His voice was low and quiet but she could hear the frustration and desire in his tone. For a moment, Nyota glimpsed at the struggle within him. And for that brief instant, she understood that constant conflict of his wants and desires against the rigid logical structure within which he lived his life.

"You don't have to hold back, Spock," she whispered.

He left out of a low sigh and his eyes slid shut as he gripped her waist tightly. She leaned into his touch and he tugged at the hem of her shirt. Wordlessly, she lifted the fabric above her head and let it soundlessly fall to the floor. His lips crashed against hers in a flurry of movement as his tongue snaked between her teeth. She slid her tongue against his and tried to reclaim control of the kiss, but there was no negotiation. He seemed to be lost in the moment, in a rare instant of loosed desire. Nyota clung to him as he pushed her against the edge of the bed and they fell to the mattress in a disarray of discarded clothing and tangled bedding.

He trailed wet, hot kisses down her neck, between her naked breasts, to her navel. He paused when he reached the white fabric of her underwear and his fingers played with the hem. Her breathing hitched in her throat as he slid the cotton down her thighs. Goosebumps rose along her skin from the night air and Nyota ran her hands along Spock's chest, exploring the cool, soft skin. Tentatively, she snaked her hand downwards and he pressed against her palm with a groan. His fingers explored her softness lightly as she murmured his name breathlessly. Panting loudly, she raked her nails against his back as her heart pounded with longing and anticipation.

"Please, Spock," she breathed.

He growled as he removed his hand and pinned her against the mattress with his hips. She arched against him and gasped. He hoisted her up and she took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. His eyes were dark with lust but he paused as he stared into her face, logic slowly bubbling to the surface.

"Nyota," he murmured gently. "Are you certain-"

"Shhh," she sighed. "Yes. Yes, completely."

She had never been so certain of anything. He stroked her face lovingly and leaned down to kiss her tenderly. She hissed quietly as he cautiously pushed his hips forward. He moaned lowly and buried himself deeply inside her. His breathing hitched as he struggled to rein himself in. Nyota pulled him close to her and wrapped her legs around his hips as he proceeded with slow, even strokes. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she clutched at his shoulders. His control slowly faded and his rhythm grew hurried and frantic. Her heart raced as her body shuddered with finishing pleasure and she sighed his name breathlessly. A few moments later, she hazily felt him grasp her hips tightly and moan lowly into the base of her neck.

As her breathing slowed, she realized her legs were still entwined with his. Breathlessly, Spock dragged himself off of her and looked deeply into her eyes. He kissed her once more, gently and softly.

"I apologize, Nyota," he murmured. "I lost control of myself this evening-"

"Spock," she interrupted. "You don't always have to be so…logical. I'm…happy right now."

The corners of his mouth twitched and he brushed a strand of hair away from her face.

"I, too, am content. I found this experience to be rather enjoyable."

She grinned and rested her head against his chest. He ran his fingertips along her skin and she sighed as her eyelids slid shut.

* * *

Nyota frowned and blinked as she sat up. Cracks of bright light filtered into the room behind curtains that were now closed. She rubbed her bleary eyes and paused as she looked beside her and noticed the space was empty. Frowning, she looked at the night table, where her clothes were in a neatly folded pile.

Dressing hurriedly, she glanced at the clock on the wall. There was a little over an hour until she and Spock had to leave for class. He would not have left without her. She cautiously peeked down the hall and walked to the living room, where Spock was sitting drinking a cup of tea and looking over his lecture notes. He glanced at her and watched her evenly.

"Good morning," she said shyly tugging on her sleeve.

He nodded. "Good morning, Nyota. There is tea in the kitchen if you would-"

"Ah, no," she said shaking her head to avoid his gaze. "I'm fine."

He tilted his head and then nodded after a moment.

"I believe you have several new messages," he said gesturing towards her PADD on the table.

Tentatively, she glanced at the screen and winced. Seven new messages, all from Gaila, who wondering where she was. Granted, the first three were requests from last night to have the room to herself and a "friend," but the others were all frantic inquiries into her well-being. Nyota did not often disappear with men - or Vulcans for that matter - for the night.

She sighed and typed out a convoluted response about working through the night in the labs. She knew that Gaila would not believe it in the slightest, but it would prevent her from overreacting and reporting Nyota as missing.

"I should go," Nyota said sheepishly. "Gaila is concerned about where I am."

Spock paused. "And what did you tell her?"

"I lied," she said with a shrug. "She won't believe it, but she probably won't ask any questions either."

He nodded. "As long as you remember that we must be discreet."

"You got it," she said promptly. "I'm going to go now."

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you have enough time to return to your quarters before class?"

"Probably not," she said with a half-smile as she gathered her things.

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you attempting to avoid me?"

She felt her face get hot as she blushed. "No, I'm not."

Spock watched her. "Forgive me, Nyota, but your disposition suggests otherwise. Is this in response to last night's…activities?"

Nyota bit her lip and Spock frowned.

"I apologize then," he said before she could respond. "My lack of self-control last night was unacceptable. I-"

"It's not that," she said with a shy smile. "I was just… taken off-guard by last night. That's all."

He frowned again.

"But not in a bad way," she added quickly.

He paused for a long moment. "Then you found the experience to be enjoyable?"

She grinned in embarrassment. "Yes. It was a very enjoyable experience. One that I hope will continue in the future."

He raised an eyebrow and she laughed.

"But I do want to stop by my room to assure Gaila that I am, in fact, alive and well. And possibly shower, if I have the time."

She leaned down and pecked him on the lips.

"I will see you in an hour," he said glancing at the clock.

"In an hour," she said with a grin.

She glanced back as she left the room, smiling to herself. Even the knowledge that she was technically enduring a walk of shame didn't dampen her mood. Granted, wearing a regulation uniform did wonders to hide the fact that she had spent the night at an instructor's quarters. Nyota could make a list of everything that was wrong with the situation, but could not bring herself to feel any regret. There had been the initial embarrassment after such a sexually charged display of intimacy, but it was fading quickly, only to be replaced with a sentiment of comfortable satisfaction. Nyota was admittedly somewhat inexperienced with sexual relationships, having left her last boyfriend behind to join Starfleet. Spending the night with Spock had been rather unexpected and Nyota was surprised that she had allowed herself to make herself so vulnerable to him.

She paused as she entered her dorm building. Nyota realized that for Spock, the night must have held incredible significance. It had undoubtedly taken a considerable effort for him to open up and allow her behind the wall of logic that he approached his life with. As anxious as she had been making herself exposed to him, the vulnerability he had displayed to her was surprising to say the least. The side of Spock she had seen last night had been stripped clean of all logic. He had been all desire and emotion.

Nyota smiled a little as she keyed in the password to her room. She wasn't exactly aware of how Vulcans approached relationships, but she was certain that last night had meant at least as much to Spock as it did to her.

The door slid open to reveal Gaila sitting on her bed, watching Nyota closely as she dropped her bag on the floor next to her desk.

"How was your evening?" Gaila said evenly.

Nyota smiled. "It was fine. I was working."

Gaila raised an eyebrow and sniffed the air delicately.

"Is that so?"

Nyota faltered for a moment. "Yes," she said a little uneasily.

Gaila stood up from the bed and straightened her nightshirt in an admittedly ridiculous attempt to be officious. She walked a small circle around Nyota, occasionally leaning in closer for inspection.

"In the labs?" Gaila said lightly.

"Mhm."

"Well, I suspect you were working quite hard," Gaila said casually.

"And why is that?" Nyota asked carefully.

"Because you reek of sex," she replied bluntly.

Nyota avoided her gaze and began gathering her things for a shower.

"No way," Gaila said. "Really?"

She looked back at her roommate and with a pained sigh, nodded slowly.

Gaila's face lit up with a grin.

"You big slut!" she cried jubilantly. "Good for you!"

Nyota rolled her eyes.

"What's his name?"

"Classified information."

"Oh come on," Gaila wheedled. "I never keep secrets from you."

"Yeah, but frankly it's information I could do without," she replied.

She pouted. "Well fine, I won't tell you about my new guy then."

"Good," she said with relief. "I'm assuming you'll have a new one in a week anyway."

"That's where you're wrong," she said coyly. "I've sort of been with him for a while."

Nyota paused. "How long is a while?"

"About a month! And sometimes, we talk without even having sex."

She stared at Gaila. "You don't say."

Gaila nodded happily. "Mostly about class work. He's very curious about my work in the computer lab. But he's cute! I mean, he is a year below us, but he swears he'll graduate in three."

"Who is this guy?" Nyota said raising her eyebrows.

Gaila pursed her lips. "You keep your secrets and I'll keep mine."

Nyota put a hand on her hip. "Fair enough, but does this mean you won't bring random guys back to the room?"

"Sure."

"Promise?"

Gaila hesitated. "Okay, I guess," she said a little dejectedly.

Nyota hopped into the shower, leaving Gaila pouting on the bed. She stared at Nyota's bag thoughtfully. Curiously, she rifled through the bag and picked up her roommate's PADD. Gaila did not deal well with resisting temptation and Nyota's secrecy made the information all the more enticing. She frowned. The PADD was locked. With a huff, she hooked it up to her computer and ran a program that would eat through the encryption.

It beeped twice and with a smile of satisfaction, she looked through its inbox. There were messages inviting Nyota for an evening, but the number was not identified on the contacts list. Gaila shrugged to herself. It would take slightly more time to trace the source of the message, but it was a simple and uncomplicated process. Her computer pinged a couple of times and Gaila frowned. The trace was revealing the owner to be registered with Starfleet Academy faculty.

"So, Gaila, about this guy," Nyota said walking out of the bathroom. "You said he-"

She stopped mid-sentence and stared wide-eyed as she took in the scene.

"Nyota, I swear this isn't what it looks like."

"Okay," Nyota replied tightly. "Because what it looks like is you hacking into my PADD and tracing a message."

"Alright, so maybe it is what it looks like, but it's only because you wouldn't tell me!"

"And did you think that maybe there was a reason for that?" she said furiously snatching her PADD away from her roommate.

"Like that you're boning an instructor?" Gaila spat back. "No, actually I assumed he was ugly. I just wanted to know who he was!"

"I'm allowed to have my own privacy," she said coldly. "It was none of your business."

"Okay, so I'll tell you the name of my-"

"I don't want to know his name!" she shouted. "I wanted you to be mature about this for once and let me have-"

"An illicit affair with an instructor?" she said flippantly.

"What, like you haven't had one?"

"I haven't, actually, no."

"So that's one notch you're missing from your bed post, I guess," she scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Gaila said in an offended tone.

"Nothing," Nyota bit out as she finished getting dressed.

For the first time, Nyota was legitimately furious with Gaila. She had tolerated her roommate's over-interest in bringing back male guests at odd hours of the night and the constant intrusions into her personal life, but this was a bit much. Angrily, she shoved her PADD back into her bag and headed for the door. Gaila's face changed from one of indignant shock to legitimate fear and concern.

"Nyota," Gaila said weakly. "Where are you going?"

"To class," she said acidly.

"We'll talk about this later, right?" she said tentatively. "We'll be okay, right?"

Nyota gave Gaila a withering glare as she turned her back and left, leaving Gaila sitting helplessly on the bed.

* * *

Nyota stormed into the Xenolinguistics classroom and set her bag angrily on her desk, ignoring Spock's concerned look. Students were filtering in and seemed to know to keep their distance, warily watching Nyota fume at the front of the room. Spock tentatively walked over to her desk.

"Nyota, is something troubling you?"

She glared at him. "No, everything is…great. Just great. Phenomenal."

"You tone would seem to indicate the contrary," he said patiently.

After a long silence, he lowered his voice.

"Is this about last night?" he asked quietly.

"What? No," she said shaking her head. "Well, by extension, I guess."

He raised an eyebrow.

"It's Gaila," she muttered.

Spock's face went smooth, completely vacant of any traces of emotion.

"Indeed," he said evenly.

"Yes," she said bitterly. "She…she _hacked_ my PADD while I was in the shower. Of course, I have you unlisted in my contacts, so she _traced_ the number. She's nothing if not persistent. And resourceful. And intrusive. And-" Nyota breathed deeply. "So she doesn't know your specific identity, but she's not an idiot, she's probably figured it out. I just got back from yelling at her."

Nyota pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I'm so sorry, Spock," she whispered. "This is my fault, completely. I shouldn't have left my PADD sitting around…"

"Nyota," he said patiently. "You could not be expected to bring all potentially incriminating objects into the shower with you. However, this situation must be handled."

She sighed in frustration and nodded.

"It will not be to our advantage if you alienate her by being overly harsh," he added. "Her cooperation will not be earned unless she has incentive to keep the secret."

"So you're telling me not to freak out at her? Because it might be a bit late for that…"

"Indeed," he said lightly. "That is my advice. Unless you have blackmail. That is an equally compelling incentive."

"Are you being serious?"

Spock just looked at her levelly and returned to the podium to organize his notes and began class.

He seemed cool and collected, but Nyota could tell he was nervous. His hands were clasped tightly behind his back, and his gaze was severe. The class was filled with an inexplicable uncomfortable silence. There were no questions asked and no discussions. Nyota would have felt sympathetic for the students if she weren't so concerned about keeping Gaila quiet. After class, the two walked to his office in stony silence. She closed and locked the door behind them and sighed as she sat in the chair across from him.

"Gaila finishes work in the computer lab in a bit," Nyota huffed. "I guess I'll talk to her then."

"I can understand your frustration," he replied. "However, her curiosity is not at fault."

Nyota frowned. "Are you saying that I am?"

He shook his head. "We both are, in a manner of speaking. In any other situation, there would be necessity for discretion."

"You mean if I wasn't dating an instructor," she said rubbing her forehead.

Spock paused and nodded. "I apologize, Nyota."

"For what?" she said with a frown.

"I realize that this situation must be difficult for you. It would be preferable if prudence wasn't a necessity."

"What are you saying?" she said with a frown.

"That a relationship with a peer might be more…"

"More what?" Nyota choked out. "Are you saying you want to-"

She stopped and inhaled deeply, attempting to calm herself.

"No, I am simply acknowledging the difficulties of the situation," he said patiently.

"Good," she said unevenly. "Don't ever suggest something like that again unless you mean it."

"I apologize," he said softly. "I did not mean to distress you. I only meant to say that…I would like to be able to spend time with you without having to be secretive. I do not want to deprive you of experiences you would otherwise have. I am saying this only because I care for you, Nyota."

Her eyes softened and she sighed and shook her head firmly.

"I've told you so many times before, Spock. There's no one else I want, even if being with you brings certain…complications."

He watched her calmly and then nodded.

"Then I will not bring up the matter again," he promised.

She sighed and smiled slightly.

"I should probably go find Gaila," she said standing up.

He nodded. "Remember what I said. It would be a good idea to control your temper."

She smiled as she leaned over the desk to kiss him on the cheek.

"Maybe."

He raised an eyebrow as she left the office in search for Gaila.

* * *

Nyota entered the room and tried to swallow the anger that was churning inside of her. Her anger quickly dissipated when she noticed Gaila sitting on the bed where she was before, still in her pajamas, looking forlorn.

"Gaila," Nyota said slowly. "Didn't you go to class?"

She looked down at her green toes and shook her head.

Nyota frowned. "Why not?"

Gaila looked up. Her eyes were bright and red from crying.

"Ah, you didn't want your new boyfriend to see you like this?" she said with a sigh.

"You don't have to sound so judgmental about it," she sniffled.

Nyota ran a hand over her hair and sat down next to her.

"Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?"

Gaila looked at her sharply and then sighed.

"Maybe. It's just…you were so _angry _and I didn't know what to do.I don't really have a lot of female friends, Nyota. I know what they say about me."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nyota lied.

"Come on, Nyota. People here talk. I'm not deaf or stupid. Also, you're kind of incredibly frightening when you're angry."

"I wasn't going to stay angry forever," she murmured.

"It seemed like you were going to," Gaila said sulkily. "You're my only friend. How was I supposed to react?"

"Well, this could have all been avoided if you had…you know, not hacked my PADD," Nyota chided. "And you have several male friends, if I remember correctly."

Gaila shot her a dirty look. "Listen, I know how it must look, okay? It's not my fault my physiology is-"

"I know, Gaila," Nyota said patiently.

"No, you don't," she muttered. "There's an entire slave trade on Orion, did you know that?"

Nyota shook her head and wondered if Gaila had once been a part of that trade. It would certainly provide an explanation into why she spent every summer at Starfleet. She didn't have a home to return to.

"I'm sorry, Gaila," Nyota sighed. "I didn't mean to imply that you're a…"

"You can say it," Gaila said flatly.

"I know, but I won't," she replied. "Because you're not. You can make your own choices. And if you're happy with them, no one else is in a place to tell you otherwise."

"Even if I want to sleep with an instructor?" she asked pointedly.

Nyota paused. "Yes, even then."

Gaila sighed. "Then I suppose I'm in no place to tell anyone else about your personal life."

"Thank you, Gaila. That means a lot to me."

Gaila sniffled again and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, Nyota. I honestly didn't think it would be such a big deal."

"Well, there was no way you could have known. It is a bit unconventional."

"Is he really worth it?" Gaila asked, watching Nyota intently. "Worth jeopardizing your careers? Your friendship with me? All the secrecy and the lies…for something that might not even last forever?"

Nyota was quiet for a moment.

"He is."

* * *

**A/N: Chapter 9, fin. I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think. The next time I update will most likely be from France! I will be studying there in the fall. My update schedule should not be affected. Thanks for reading!**


	10. Beyond Comprehension

**A/N: I apologize for the delay. I overestimated my ability to maintain an updating schedule while abroad. Anyway, I came home for break, and churned this baby out. Hopefully it'll be worth the wait. I'm trying to write as much as possible, because from the rough outlines I've done, this story will have 14 chapters total (15 including an epilogue). So I'm trying to complete this.**

**On an unrelated note, I saw Zachary Quinto, in person! I saw Angels in America (Part I) last week and saw him leaving the theater. I wanted to congratulate him on his performance, but I was too shy/embarrassed (I mean, he's a normal person and probably doesn't love being harassed by rando strangers). But I dunno, there's a Part II, which I'm seeing at the end of the week, so maybe I'll woman up for that. Anyway, without further ado:**

Chapter 10 – Beyond Comprehension

"_I must tell you,_

_That I was always afraid_

_Of the fury with which I loved you._

_It overwhelmed me._

_I thought it beyond comprehension._

_Therefore, my silence."_

* * *

Spock gently trailed his fingertips along Nyota's warm skin, which glowed ethereally in the early Sunday morning light. She sighed breathily and he closed his eyes and inhaled. She smelled like poppies and light soap. He watched her eyes flutter beneath her lids as she inhaled lightly and arched against his hand, which was spread across her naked lower back. Spock shifted his weight and leaned down over her to kiss her lightly on the forehead.

It was an unnecessary action, an illogical one even. Yet he found it comforting, being able to reach out and feel her next to him. It was the second consecutive night this week she had spent with him. Usually, he insisted that they limit their trysts to once a week, to avoid suspicion. The probability of being discovered increased at an exponential rate for every consecutive night they spent together. However, when she showed up at his door last night, out of breath and grinning sheepishly from what he surmised was an impromptu run across campus to see him, he could not bring himself to close the door on her, or even scold her.

Instead, he allowed Nyota to throw herself through the threshold and pull hastily on this belt buckle. While normally, he would have pulled away and told her to exercise some self-control, he could not suppress the instinctual reaction to close the door and surround her with a tight embrace.

And while every time something like this happened, he told himself he meant to talk to Nyota about self-control, he could not ignore the fact that he was particularly lacking in that department of late. It seemed that his strong hold on logic seemed to slip when she was around. When he voiced this as a worry to Nyota, she insisted that it was a good thing. But he could not help but be concerned. Vulcan emotions were strong, volatile even. The strength of what he felt for Nyota threatened to overwhelm him at times, especially during their moments of intimacy. Therefore, despite Nyota's impatient reassurances, Spock could not escape his quiet unease of the situation.

She murmured lightly and burrowed deeply into the covers, oblivious to his ruminations.

Spock ran his fingers lightly through her hair. She was becoming an increasingly important priority in his life. He could not afford to be careless with her. Becoming overly emotional meant inviting risk. Risk he was not comfortable with. His fingers paused at her temple. If only Nyota would agree to a telepathic bond. She valued the privacy of her mind and he respected that. However, the benefits of such a bond were difficult to ignore. It would make the intricacies of human relationships more straightforward at least. But Nyota was insistent that he be able to understand her without "cheating" as she called it. It was a little difficult not to be frustrated with her impatient dismissal of the idea. A telepathic bond was not something to be offered carelessly to just any partner. It was a terrible intimacy that should not be taken lightly. Of course, she had no way of knowing this, and he had no way of explaining it without revealing his own shameful disappointment and rejection, which like all of his other emotions, he kept tightly bottled.

He removed the covers and dressed himself as quietly as he could. After he folded her clothes that had been discarded on the floor, he left the bedroom to check his PADD, left forgotten next to his uneaten dinner, which had been interrupted by Nyota's arrival. There were several missed messages, all from Captain Pike.

Turning to the nearest screen, he dialed Pike's extension. After two rings, Pike's face appeared looking both bemused and impatient.

"Please forgive my delay, Captain Pike-"

"Chris," he corrected.

"Christopher," Spock amended. "I was otherwise occupied."

Pike scoffed lightly. "Figured you'd fit in a call to me before your girlfriend wakes up?"

"My…" Spock trailed off and raised an eyebrow. After a long pause, "Yes. My partner is currently sleeping. However, based on previous experience, she will not wake for another two hours and 26 minutes. We have time to discuss whatever was so pressing last night."

Pike sighed and leaned back in his chair. "We'll get to it later. How is she?"

"She is well. Progressing very well with her research and her office hours have helped her students immensely. She is a model student."

"So things are going well for you?"

"As for myself-"

"That was a plural you," Pike said with a half smile.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Things are not without their…complications. But yes, she and I are both well."

"I think she compliments you well."

"Meaning?"

"Once in a while she manages to pull out the massive stick that's up your ass," Pike said tipping his chair back.

Spock frowned a bit, "Indeed."

Pike laughed good-naturedly, "It was a joke, Spock. But in all seriousness, I think having an emotional outlet is good for you."

"On the contrary, Christopher. My lack of emotional control around her is...troubling. It is something I am working on amending."

Pike frowned in confusion.

"I do not like exposing her to my lack of self-control. She is too important."

"Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about last night. What are you going to do next year, then?" he asked. "It's the end of her third year now. The Enterprise will be done next year, and she'll graduate. If I recall correctly, I placed you in charge of appointing new students to starships."

"Spock?" a voice called tiredly from the other room.

"Yes, Nyota," he responded evenly. "I will be there in a moment."

"I can assure you, Captain," Spock said lowly. "There will be no favoritism."

Chris nodded. "Good to know, but that's not my main concern. What I'm worried about is you. The Enterprise is on schedule to be completed within the first couple of months of next term. You will not be at the Academy for the full year."

Spock sat in a stunned silence for a long moment.

"I was not aware that the project would be completed so quickly," he said evenly.

"Well, it is. What are you going to do when you are separated from-"

"Spock!" she called again, a little more insistently.

"Forgive me, Chris," Spock said. "Was there anything else work related that you needed to discuss?"

He paused. "Minor details. They can wait until tomorrow. She goes back home tomorrow, doesn't she?"

"Yes," Spock replied lightly. "She's spending the summer with her family."

"Speaking of family. I heard your father was in town?"

"He is," Spock confirmed.

"And? You going to introduce him to the missus?"

"I do not believe that would be a wise decision," he responded honestly. "I will contact you tomorrow, Christopher."

"You got it. Ending transmission."

"Ending transmission." Spock confirmed as he shut down the monitor.

"Who was it?" Nyota asked wrapping her arms around his waist.

"It's nothing you need be concerned about," he responded evenly.

Nyota planted a kiss on the nape of his neck. "Alright," she said, not quite convinced.

"Forgive me, Nyota," Spock began. "Did I wake you?"

"No," she said with a shrug. "I just realized you weren't beside me, so I woke up."

He nodded.

"Is something the matter?" she asked. "You seem…off."

"Do not be troubled," he said shaking himself loose from her arms.

Nyota frowned, but let it go.

"I'm going to take a shower, is that alright?" she asked.

He nodded. "I will prepare some tea."

She turned to go, feeling a little uneasy.

"Nyota, I'm going to be occupied for part of today. Will that be a problem?"

"No," she said, a little surprised. "I leave tomorrow though. Is something wrong?"

He shook his head. "I simply have an appointment with someone. It shouldn't take too long."

"It's fine. I'll make us dinner while you're out. Who are you meeting with?"

"You'll want to use the last of the plomeek leaves tonight. They'll go bad otherwise."

Nyota frowned as he walked back into the kitchen.

"Sure…" she murmured with a frown.

Biting her lip, she shut herself in the bathroom and turned the water on, in the hope of washing away her frustration.

Nyota was used to this. Spending the night together usually had one of two outcomes. Either they would be brought incredibly close together or he would quickly become distant, perhaps due to the embarrassment of revealing his inner emotions.

The water was hot and she tried to relax. It always set her a bit on edge when he pulled away like this. If only she could just know what he was _feeling_. His peculiar secretiveness this morning was out of the blue. Usually he was incredibly straightforward with her, sometimes to the point of being a little rude (he never hesitated in telling her if a dress made her look fat). He never lied. His avoidance of her questions made her uneasy.

She would be heading back to Africa for the summer. She was leaving tomorrow.

Nyota turned off the shower and the water slowed to a drip.

Would he even miss her?

She shook her head. She was being ridiculous. Even if he seemed completely indifferent to her this morning, Nyota knew he cared about her deeply. Even if he never said it, it was apparent in everything he did – even if it was just the way he trailed his fingertips along her skin.

Nyota had come to accept his difficulties with emotions. She was even accustomed to a degree of emotional distance, especially when he didn't now know how to respond to her emotion needs. But it troubled her when there was clearly something wrong, yet he refused to discuss it.

She didn't even know what they _were_. How serious was this? While normally she wouldn't have cared, she realized she was entering her final year at the Academy. Where would they go from here? When she graduated?

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around herself. She inhaled. It smelled like him. With a sigh, she dressed herself and went to meet him in the kitchen, where he was pouring the tea.

"Spock," she said gently.

He didn't miss a beat or look up to her.

"Yes, Nyota?"

She looked up at his expressionless face. Normally he had a bland and calm, but inquisitive expression. When his face went smooth like this, she knew something was bothering him. Something was just under the surface, threatening to burst forth and this was the only way he knew how to contain it.

"What is the query you wish to ask?" He prodded.

"I feel like you're a thousand miles away," she said with a sad laugh.

"I beg your pardon?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing. It can wait. You said you had a meeting?"

He glanced at the clock.

"Indeed. I should be leaving soon."

She nodded and shrugged. "I'll get us organized for dinner while you're out. What time will you be back?"

"I do not know how long the meeting will take."

"This is my last day here. Will I even get to see you for it?"

"I will make sure the meeting does not go past five in the evening. Is this acceptable?"

She smiled uneasily and nodded. He watched her evenly, a carefully schooled expression on his face. Slowly, and deliberately, he walked over to her, leaned down gently, and pecked her on the lips.

"I will return shortly, Nyota," he assured her.

"You better," she whispered back teasingly.

He planted a light kiss on her forehead and after putting on his jacket, left Nyota in the apartment, alone.

As he walked to the nearest metro station, Spock absentmindedly straightened his jacket. It was clear that Nyota was concerned. She always was incredibly astute in noticing changes in his behavior. However, he worried that she would draw false conclusions from the data available to her. With an internal sigh, he swiped his card and waited at the platform. She undoubtedly assumed that his change in behavior was due to some sort of lack in interest of her. It was quite the contrary. He was coming to realize that he valued her quite highly; so much that it frightened him. He valued her too highly to be reckless or careless with her. Emotions were reckless and careless. Every time he failed to control them-

The metro car whirred to a stop in front of him and he got on. The doors closed firmly behind him and the car slid along the track towards the Vulcan Embassy.

To be completely honest, Spock had never much cared for the Vulcan Embassy. It was a cold and oppressive building made out of a type of beige stone. At the entrance, a large marble statue of Surak towered over him. He allowed himself a few moments to stare at Surak's cold face before straightening his posture and entering the building.

A bland looking secretary gave him the customary greeting and mildly told him that his father would be out in a moment. While he waited, Spock stared at the walls, which were painted with landscapes from their home world. Spock was staring at the mural of Vulcan's Forge appreciatively when his father announced his presence. They exchanged greetings and then stood in an awkward silence. It seemed his father was still less than thrilled with Spock's choice to reject the Vulcan Science Academy's offer of admission. Most likely because it was less of a choice and more of an impulsive reaction to a particular council member's disparaging remarks about his mother. Perhaps this was the reason behind his father's disapproval. Regardless, his father ushered him down a series of halls and into his living quarters, which were plain but comfortable.

"I assume you still drink your tea without sugar?" Sarek asked while heating a pot.

"Affirmative," Spock replied while sitting down.

As Sarek strained the crushed plomeek leaves, Spock thought of Nyota. He had told her to use the rest of the plomeek leaves tonight. That was one of the last things he had said to her. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

Staring blankly at the cup of tea in front of him, he idly wondered what Nyota was doing right now. He pictured her sprawled out on the floor of the living room, PADDs scattered around her as she searched for some specific fact or detail. He imagined her propped up on her elbows, back curved, uniform clinging to-

"Your mother told me something interesting," Sarek said mildly.

"Indeed?" Spock replied lightly.

"Yes," he responded evenly. "She informed me that you are currently involved with a human female."

"I am," came the honest response.

Sarek was quiet for a moment, weighing his words.

"So you have made your choice between human and Vulcan."

"I continue to honor the Vulcan way in every aspect of my life, father. My involvement with the female in question has had no effect on this."

"Then you underestimate the emotional needs of humans."

Spock paused. "If you would elaborate, father."

"In human relationships, validation is based upon displays of affection. This is undoubtedly what your female is accustomed to."

"I can assure you," Spock said flatly. "My emotions have in no way escaped my control during my relationship with her."

His stomach churned uncomfortably. The statement was completely true, but still left a bitter taste in his mouth that could not be washed away by the bland taste of plomeek tea.

"Spock," Sarek lectured. "In the past three years you have rejected the offer of admission to the Vulcan Science Academy, and divorced T'Pring in favor of a life and female partner on Earth. Surely you can understand the assumption that you have abandoned our ways."

"The separation was T'Pring's choice," Spock replied, choosing to avoid the sensitive subject of rejecting the Vulcan Science Academy. "And despite appearances, I can assure you, I will not abandon Vulcan practices for my current partner, regardless of the consequences for our relationship."

Sarek raised his eyebrows and disappointment lurked at the back of Spock's mind. He pushed aside the pang of longing and regret and focused on the conversation with his father.

"What brings you to Earth?" Spock asked, hoping to change the subject. "I assume your visit is warranted by more than the minor details of my personal life?"

Sarek's vision narrowed, but he nodded.

"Yes, there's currently a debate regarding the Coridanites who are experiencing civil turmoil. I'm meeting with Ambassadors today to find a common standpoint on the matter. Some of them expressed interest in meeting you, actually. Are you in any way opposed to making their acquaintance?"

Spock glanced at the clock. Meeting with his father's colleagues would undoubtedly make him late for dinner with Nyota. Her last dinner before leaving for the summer. However, Spock knew there was no way for him to explain this to his father without directly contradicting all the assurances he had just given. It would be illogical to forgo the meeting for a dinner with Nyota. Nyota would be returning at the end of the summer. He would see her again. There were only emotional reasons to decline his father's offer in favor of an evening with his human partner.

"There is no logical reason for me to refuse your offer," Spock said evenly.

His father nodded and poured another cup of tea while Spock's eyes wandered over to the clock on the wall behind his father's head.

There was no logical reason to refuse. Yet, Spock found it difficult to ignore the quiet regret and growing unease for his decision, and the effect he knew it would have on Nyota.

* * *

Nyota stared at the clock. Spock was always on time. Always punctual, and almost always early. Yet the minute hand continued to tick away. It was currently almost eight and he had not come home. She would have worried, but she had received a message from him. It was short and succinct. _Will be late._ She sighed. How long exactly was she supposed to wait? Spock hadn't even told her to wait. He hadn't said if he would even be back at all tonight. She couldn't exactly wait around forever for him. It was getting to be a bit depressing, sitting around, waiting, staring at the tupperware full of plomeek leaves with no idea how to cook them.

Her PADD beeped and her heart leapt. Fumbling, she checked the message. It was from Gaila.

_Last night in San Francisco means getting you so drunk you can't remember your own name. Where are you? Get your ass over to the bar._

Nyota tapped her fingernails idly against the screen, before hastily sending the response that she would be there in five minutes. She didn't need much convincing. Between Spock, courses, research, and office hours, Nyota had little to no time to go out. She figured this was long overdue. And if Spock couldn't find the time for her, she wasn't going to waste hers. She wasn't annoyed, per se. Nyota was mostly impatient with Spock. Everything he did around her showed that he valued her greatly. She just wished that he would finally reach that conclusion. Who knew what would happen to them at the end of next year? With such limited time, they didn't have the luxury of a simple, uncomplicated relationship. If only he could just _trust_ her a little.

"Nyota!"

Gaila was waving her green arms frantically, a wide smile plastered on her face. It seemed most of their class was in the bar, celebrating the end of the year, meaning there were plenty of young males willing to buy the Orion drinks.

"Gaila," Nyota shouted over the thrum of the music. "How many have you had?"

"This many!" The Orion shouted gleefully, holding up seven fingers.

Nyota and the rest of the students at the table laughed appreciatively. A bartender placed another pitcher of beer on the table and Gaila poured herself and Nyota a drink.

"Cheers," Gaila said before emptying the glass.

Nyota laughed and finished off her first drink while Gaila cheered her on. Gaila immediately shoved another glass of beer into Nyota's hands and peered over the group of students.

"Karaoke. You and I are doing karaoke," Gaila said eagerly.

"Gaila," Nyota protested. "No, there are too many people here."

Gaila waived her hand in annoyance. "Finish your drink. I already put us on the list."

"What?"

"Oh, look," Gaila said clapping happily. "We're next!"

Nyota shook her head and finished her glass as Gaila grabbed her arm and dragged her on to the stage. Their class cheered and Nyota looked for a rock she could crawl under and die. Gaila was oblivious to her friend's misery and started singing along to a particularly horrible rendition of "Orion Love Slave". It was a true gem among countless _normal_ songs that Gaila could've chosen. Their one saving grace was that almost everyone was too drunk to even realize what they were singing. Regardless, the experience drove Nyota to finish off as many drinks as it took to make the humiliation go away.

"Oh please," Gaila said with a wave of her hand. "It wasn't _that_ horrible."

"Speak for yourself," Nyota muttered inaudibly.

"You're just pouting because you'd rather be with a certain Vul-"

"Gaila," Nyota said sharply.

"Yeah, yeah," she said in annoyance. "Where is he anyway? Too busy trying to pull the stick out of his ass?"

"Hell if I know," Nyota said stubbornly.

"Ouch. So he blew you off?"

"Something like that," she responded dryly.

"I think that warrants a drink," Gaila said as she pushed herself off her bar stool.

"Gaila, no, I'm fine, really!" She protested. But it was too late. Gaila had already disappeared into the crowd.

"Well, isn't this is familiar," a smooth voice said.

Nyota turned to stare into a pair of electric blue eyes.

"Kirk," she said dryly.

"Uhura," he responded good-naturedly. "Am I gonna get your first name this time?"

"No," she responded flatly.

"You know what? I think you like me a whole lot more than you let on," he said in a mock sagely voice.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you know, I've been writing Mrs. James Kirk all over my notebooks."

"That's what I'm talking about," he said wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "Hearts around my name, poems about me."

"Yes, it's so convenient how mauling rhymes with appalling," she said sarcastically while picking his arm off of her.

He laughed and turned to someone calling his name.

"You wait right there," he said with a wink before sauntering off.

"He's so gorgeous," Gaila sighed, setting the pitcher down.

"Yeah, if you like brain dead pretty boys," Nyota said digging in her pockets after hearing her PADD ring.

"Oh, trust me, I do," came the appreciative response. "Is that your boy calling?"

Nyota glanced at the caller ID. It was his number. With a laugh, Gaila snatched the phone away and answered it.

"Nyota's phone, Gaila speaking."

"Gaila!"

Gaila easily kept Nyota at an arms length while she chatted away to Spock.

"You know, you've driven her to drinking," Gaila said amiably. "You should really pay more attention to her. Especially when Cadet Kirk has his eye on her. Nyota herself said that he's quite the pretty boy, albeit a little brain dead-"

"Gaila!" Nyota grit out while reaching for the phone. "Give it!"

They grappled with it for a few moments before it escaped both of their grasps and landed in the pitcher of beer. The screen went dark and Nyota stared blankly as it swam at the bottom of the golden liquid.

"Oops." Gaila said succinctly.

Too drunk to really be upset, Nyota sighed and fished it out of the pitcher.

"Does it still work?" Gaila said innocently.

"Oddly enough, dropping an electronic device into a pitcher of beer causes it to cease functioning," Nyota said dryly.

"Well, that sucks."

"Indeed."

"At least you have other PADDs," Gaila said with a shrug.

Nyota sighed and nodded. "What did he say?"

"Oh, something about needing to talk."

Biting her lip, Nyota pushed herself away from the table, reasoning that he had probably finally gotten home.

"Does this mean I get the room to myself tonight?" Gaila said hopefully.

Nyota looked down at Gaila's puppy dog face and nodded with a sigh. Gaila clapped and turned to call over to Kirk while Nyota stumbled out of the bar and into the cool night air.

* * *

It took Nyota a bit of extra effort to key in the code to Spock's living quarters, but eventually she managed to get it open and she stumbled into the living room. Spock was in the kitchen making tea. He tiredly looked up at her.

"Hey there," Nyota said softly.

"Good evening, Nyota," he said evenly. "My apologies for being late. There were unforeseen circumstances."

"Care to share what they were?" she said tightly.

"My father was on Earth today," he said avoiding her gaze.

"You could've just told me," Nyota said with a frown. "I would've understood."

"I was uncertain of what your response would be, so it seemed simplest to avoid explaining the situation."

"Fair enough," Nyota said carefully.

There was a long, awkward silence and Nyota cleared her throat.

"Gaila said that you wanted to talk?" She asked gently.

Spock nodded. "As you know," he said evenly. "Next year will be your last…and I will shortly be assuming the role of First Commander of the U.S.S. Enterprise. It is due to be finished at the beginning of next term."

"What?" Nyota said incredulously. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

"I was not informed until this morning."

"Then you should've told me this morning! Spock, why would you keep this from me? I was under the assumption we had another year together…what, did you think I would expect you to-" She cut herself off and tried to reign in her temper. "We're not supposed to keep secrets from each other," she said finally.

"I do not know what I am 'supposed' to do." Spock said blandly. "This is my first experience in an intimate human relationship."

Nyota bit her lip and nodded. "Okay, so finish your thought. What's the point of telling me any of this?"

"You and I need to consider what our next step will be from here. Next year, I will not be a full-time lecturer. I will be leaving the Academy once the Enterprise is ready for duty."

"And?" Nyota asked, her voice raising an octave.

"And it is illogical for our relationship to continue."

Nyota stared into his deep, brown eyes and heard her blood rushing in her ears. The room felt hot and there was a ringing sound she couldn't seem to make go away.

"I don't understand," Nyota bit out. "Our relationship was never logical to begin with."

"Indeed. However, I did not foresee it becoming as serious as it currently is. This is the logical solution. You would be more suited for a fellow cadet your age, such as Cadet Kirk-"

"Don't you _dare_!" She said furiously. "Cadet Kirk is an idiot farm boy who can barely string two sentences together. The only one I want- the only one I've _ever_ wanted- is you, Spock. It's always been you."

"I understand," he said calmly. "However, I can not provide for all of your emotional needs. It is not the Vulcan way."

"I don't need you to take care of me," Nyota said bitterly. "I'm a big girl, I can take care of my own irrational, illogical, emotional needs."

"We knew from the beginning that our relationship had an expiration date, Nyota."

She buried her face in her hands. "Spock," she said tiredly. "I get it, okay? You're not used to relationships or emotions, and you don't like them clouding your judgment. But I don't see anything incompatible with that and loving someone. You have emotions. You experience them. I know you do."

"What you say is true, but you and I have very different understandings of that experience," he murmured quietly.

She stared at him and saw emotions swimming in his eyes. Pain, regret, determination, love. Nyota closed her eyes and felt a tear escape beneath her lids and fall down her cheek. She knew there was nothing she could say to change his mind. To a degree, she knew he was right. At the start of next year, they would have mere weeks, a couple months at most, until the Enterprise was finished. It was the logical choice. And yet, it was so wrong. There was nothing logical about two people who loved each other – needed each other – separating.

"This is logical," Nyota choked out. Her eyes were still shut but he knew that he was nodding silently. "But that doesn't mean it's the right choice."

She opened her eyes and he was frowning quizzically.

"I do not understand," Spock said.

"That's the problem," she said sadly.

Quietly, she walked up to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. His eyes slid shut as pressed his forehead to hers and wrapped his arms around her. Silently, she took his hand and placed it at her temple.

"Please," she whispered longingly.

He was quiet for a long moment.

"Spock," she murmured quietly. "Please."

He shifted his fingers slightly and leaned down to kiss her as she opened herself to his mind's embrace.

* * *

Nyota stared numbly at the starship in front of her. Gaila rubbed her shoulders sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, babe," she sighed.

"No, I'm sorry," Nyota said. "I didn't mean to interrupt you and Cadet…what's his name again?"

"Don't really know," Gaila said absentmindedly. "I don't recall asking for it. And don't worry about it. Easy come, easy go. I'm more worried about you."

"I'll be fine," she said flatly.

"So convincing," Gaila responded sarcastically. "Go home, see your family, find a cute boy to make you forget about Spock."

Nyota closed her eyes and sighed, "That's not going to happen," she muttered.

"You don't know what's going to happen," Gaila explained gently. "You don't know what next year will bring. Who knows, there might be some sort of freak accident and the Enterprise needs another three years before taking off. Things like that happen all the time. There could be an emergency and we're all commissioned for duty. You don't know. So chin up, you haven't seen the last of Spock. Nothing is final."

"Except death."

"God, you're _so_ depressing right now. And after my inspirational monologue, too."

Nyota smiled weakly. "Sorry, Gaila. I know you're right. Don't worry about me. I'll suffer through it."

"That's the spirit!" She said heartily, clapping Nyota on the back. "Now go get your butt on that starship back home."

Wearily, she huggled Gaila goodbye and got on the starship, leaving her friend standing wistfully in the hangar. As Gaila headed back to the waiting area, she paused next to a large supporting pillar, which Spock was discreetly leaning against.

"You're not going to say goodbye to her?"

"She and I have already exchanged goodbyes."

"Then it's not very logical, lurking about here in the shadows."

"I know," he said, glancing at her from the corner of his eye. "Nothing I do concerning Nyota is logical."

"Except dumping her," she said bitingly. "Do you regret it?"

He offered her no response. He simply stared longingly at the spot where Nyota had been standing.

**

* * *

A/N: Woo, so there we are in the double digits. Sorry if the plot twist came as a surprise/disappointment for you. Don't worry; they won't be apart for long. This just made the most sense to me given how the movie revealed their involvement. Let me know what you think, even if it's just to berate me for dragging my feet on updates.**


	11. The Words You Say

**A/N: So here we are! Chapter 11. I've been in a flurry of writing so far, and chapter 12 is close to being done. To answer some general questions: yes, I will follow this through the story through the movie, writing about things that were behind the scenes, etc. Because (I assume) most, if not all, reading this have seen the movie, that arc will be short – a chapter or two at most. Originally, I planned the story to have fourteen chapters, and one epilogue chapter. That may get bumped up an additional chapter though. A BIG thank you to everyone who took the time to review. This chapter is _slightly_ shorter (but not by too much, I think) than some of the others I've written, but that's because I ended up writing a ginormously long chapter and had to break it into two. So at least Chapter 12 is close to completion! I'll try and get it up here in a timely fashion ;)  
**

** LadyEvenStar22- Merci pour tes pensées. Je crois que mon français a beaucoup amélioré, mais j'ai commencé d'apprendre le français quand j'étais très jeune, donc c'est difficile de voir mon progrès après si longtemps. Mais de toute façon, oui, j'aime beaucoup mon séjour en France. Je suis encore là en fait (j'y reste jusqu'au...juin, je crois). J'ai beaucoup aimé les soldes, mais c'est dangereux quand je fais du shopping!**

Chapter 11 – The Words You Say

"_And I'm hanging on _

_To the words you say._

_You said that I will be okay."_

* * *

Nyota stared at the white house that was nestled in a verdant garden. Ivy crawled along the front of the house, enveloping it with its green tendrils; the lush leaves straining to reach the African sun. The gate to the picket fence creaked loudly as she pushed it open, announcing her presence. Brown eyes peered at her from under a large sunhat, affixed with a bright yellow ribbon. White teeth flashed a smile and her mother took off her gardening gloves and tossed them on the porch steps.

"You got everything you need to head back to school, my girl?" her mother asked with a broad smile.

Nyota wasn't quite sure she was ready to leave home. It was time to leave, but she didn't know if she had the strength. Smiling weakly, she nodded anyway.

Her mother stood in the garden, barefoot, digging her toes into the dirt and smiling at Nyota sympathetically. With a sigh, enveloped Nyota in a hug.

"Be careful, my love. I couldn't bear it if something were to happen to you."

Nyota nodded again and hugged her mother tightly.

When Nyota's father had disappeared, her mother's heart broke. And now she was here, in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for something that would never come.

Nyota put her hand over her heart and felt it beat slowly and steadily. She closed her eyes and remembered the sensation of Spock's beating heart. How it raced under her fingertips. She inhaled breathily. It felt odd, that her heart could beat so surely, so strongly, when it was so fragile.

"Nyota, it's time to go," her mother whispered into her ear. "You'll miss your shuttle."

She reluctantly pulled away and felt her stomach tie itself into knots. Nyota didn't know what this year would bring. She just wanted to survive it.

* * *

"So tell me how you do it, Gaila."

"Hm? Do what?" She asked lazily flipping through a magazine.

"Bump into your exes on campus without dying of humiliation."

"Well, it's usually not a problem because none of my exes are in a position of authority over me."

Nyota shot her a dark look and Gaila smiled guiltily.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Just act like nothing happened and you don't care."

"But I do care."

"Not the point," she hummed as she stretched out on the bed.

Nyota sighed and headed to the lab where she held office hours. She had a good deal of work to catch up on after choosing to spend the summer at home. She chewed on her lip while she looked over the file in front of her.

_To: Cadet Lieutenant N. Uhura_

_Subject: Research Advisor_

_This is to inform you that this year's research will no longer be overseen by Commander Spock due to a leave of absence to serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise. All subsequent research will now be performed with…_

If she was lucky, she would not run into him at all. Although, she couldn't deny that a part of her wanted to seem him again, more than anything. And yet, another part of her wanted simply to bury the memories of him in the deepest part of her heart.

But there were more important things to focus on right now, like her career. So she pushed her sadness and regret aside and buried herself in work, research, and club activities. And she was content, even when Kirk forced his way into the Xenolinguistics club, despite having no understanding of the material. Instead he insisted he had a "very experienced tongue".

For the first few weeks, Nyota had neither seen nor heard from Spock. It was almost as if he had never existed. He doing very little teaching this semester and did not need a teaching aide, so she was now assisting Captain Becker instead. He had requested she organize slides for tomorrow's lecture, so she had shut herself in the lab, futilely trying to get the program code to behave how she wanted it to. She was even half-considering calling Gaila for help. She heard the door of the lab slide open and she sighed. It was undoubtedly the rotund Captain Becker adding to her constantly growing pile of work.

"Cadet."

"One moment," she muttered. "I'm trying to get this stupid program code to work properly."

"It will take but a moment."

Nyota paused as she recognized the calm voice behind her. The back of her neck prickled as she recognized its soothing timbre and gentle resonance. It was the same mild tone that would whisper in her ear on lazy mornings when she couldn't wake up and late evenings when they couldn't sleep. Swallowing, she slowly turned her head to stare into familiar, dark eyes. Her blood ran cold and her face went blank. Knees trembling, she stood uncertainly.

"Commander," she said formally. "How may I be of assistance?"

His face was emotionless as he handed her a large folder.

"These are the program logs for the Kobayashi Maru simulation. More specifically, the communication control station. Testing will begin shortly and as an aide, you will be assisting in the simulation."

"I am aware," she said in annoyance. "These files could have been sent to me electronically. There's no reason for your busy schedule to be interrupted on my account."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Indeed. My apologies for disturbing you, cadet."

He turned to go and Nyota felt her heart drop to her stomach.

"Spock," she breathed.

He paused.

"Good luck with your research this year, cadet," he replied despondently. "Let me know if you require any assistance."

"That won't be necessary," she said icily. "I wouldn't want to distract you from your work, Commander."

He paused, but nodded silently before turning to go. After he was gone, Nyota shut her eyes to fight back the tears.

* * *

Spock left the lab feeling curiously dissatisfied. He wasn't quite disappointed, but he was not pleased either. His father had always said that emotions ran deep within their race. Yet Spock consistently struggled to place the foreign sentiments that clouded his judgment. He opened his office door and then shut and locked it with a resounding click.

"Where've you been?"

"Captain-"

"Chris."

"Christopher, what are you doing in my office, and more specifically, my chair."

Pike grinned and dragged himself out of the seat and gestured gallantly for Spock to sit down. Spock raised an eyebrow and sat.

"I was looking over your recommendations for starship placement for the Enterprise," Pike said with a shrug. "I noticed your girl wasn't on it."

"She was placed on the Farragut," Spock responded flipping through his files. "And she is no longer, as you said "my girl"."

"You're punishing her?" Pike said with mild surprise.

"On the contrary," Spock said lightly. "I believe it would be in Nyota's interest to serve on a different starship. One where her work would not be impeded by…"

"You?" Pike said accusingly.

"I would in no way interfere with her work," Spock said hollowly.

Pike grunted in disbelief.

"The Farragut is a perfectly adequate starship," Spock said evenly.

"Please," Pike said picking up Nyota's file and sitting down. "Top marks, academy aide, impeccable research…she can do better than the Farragut. You're wasting her talent."

"Her talent would be wasted in an emotional situation where she could not perform up to expectations," he replied lightly.

"Hers or yours?" Pike said putting his feet on the desk.

"Regardless," Spock avoided the question. "Awarding Nyota her top preference would be a blatant display of favoritism. I believe I assured you that no favoritism would take place."

Pike sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I suppose you have a point," he conceded.

"If you'll excuse me, Christopher," Spock said. "I have reports to complete."

Pike grumbled as he dragged himself to his feet. He stared at Spock a long moment and received but an eyebrow raise in response. He held back a sigh and left the office, leaving Spock with his piles of student folders. Spock glanced outside his window at the clear sky as he reached to close the blinds. He closed his eyes for a moment and reflected.

_"Mm, leave it open, Spock."_

_"Nyota, given you clearly intend to sleep past noon, it is logical to-"_

_"I know," she sighed breathily as her warm eyes flickered open. "But I like being able to see the sky when I wake up."_

_"I do not understand."_

_She rolled over and buried herself under the covers._

_"I don't know," she murmured. "I always thought there was something terribly romantic about the sky. How you can see it no matter where you are."_

_Spock raised an eyebrow quizzically as she fell back asleep with a sigh._

Spock drew his hand away from the blinds and shook his head clear of old memories. He opened his eyes slowly and watched the sun dipping below the horizon and dying the sky shades of orange. He wondered briefly if Nyota was looking at it, before turning back to his desk and burying her file at the bottom of his mound of work.

However, it did not stay buried long. Every time he managed to complete a large portion of work, he would allow himself a short break to open her file and glance at her picture, her grades, and the research they had done together. It was certainly odd to him, realizing that she was no longer a part of his life. Previously, she had been such an integral part of it. He supposed that it simply demonstrated the fleeting nature of human relationships. Emotional ties were ultimately insignificant, brief and transitory. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and stared at the bag of Nyota's belongings that he had meant to return to her. Books, a gaming PADD, USB storage devices, perfume, and various other toiletries had been forgotten in his living quarters. He had ignored them for a time, before their presence became a consistent reminder that she was no longer there. He knew he really ought to return them, but even now, he didn't know how to approach her.

He glanced at the clock and realized it was already late and he had not completed the amount of work he had been hoping to. He paused and decided to simply bring work back to his living quarters that evening. Usually, Nyota insisted that he have a clear division between his personal and professional life and refrain from bringing work home with him, but he was all too aware of the knowledge that she would not be there waiting for him. So without fear of retribution, he placed his PADDs and files in his bag and closed and locked the door behind him.

Walking down the hall, he remembered late nights he would spend in the lab with Nyota, before they had begun their admittedly illicit relationship. While he typically preferred working in peace without the presence of others, she had always been a calming force for his work. He briefly considered once again working in the labs with her, although he speculated that the atmosphere now would not be particularly conducive to working. He paused outside the lab and peered in and saw a familiar sight. Nyota- exhausted, asleep at her workstation. He entered the lab and held his breath, wondering if he would wake her. Quietly, he strode to her station and saw her dozing peacefully, her code forgotten.

Curiously, Spock scrolled through the lines of code, scanning over her work and saw the line that was giving her trouble. It was an old error in the code, most likely written by Captain Becker during a fit of absentmindedness. Nyota should have looked over the original code that was given to her before adding to it. Spock smiled to himself slightly. She was undoubtedly accustomed to the codes that he usually supplied her, which had always been revised multiple times for errors so that her work might be a little easier. Carefully, Spock picked up the keyboard and deleted the error and rewrote it. He tapped enter a couple of times and the code began to run smoothly, without any errors. Quietly, he placed the keyboard where he had found it and tenderly hovered above Nyota as she sighed breathily. Hesitantly, he placed his lips to her forehead and left her sleeping peacefully in the lab.

The computer beeped twice and Nyota frowned and blinked herself awake. The screen was lit with multiple lines of programming code, which had inexplicably been resolved. Unable to explain it, but pleased nonetheless, Nyota emailed the file to Captain Becker and leaned back in her chair. She inhaled deeply and frowned. There was a faint familiar smell hanging in the air. Smiling tiredly to herself, Nyota touched her forehead lightly as she packed away her things, feeling the best she had in a while.

* * *

Captain Becker's pudgy fingers scratched absentmindedly at his bald head as he looked over the orientation notes he was giving. Nyota didn't pay much attention, as she was already all to familiar with the Kobayashi Maru. She instead tried to avoid Kirk's all to attentive stare and stubbornly refused to acknowledge Spock's presence in the room.

It annoyed her that Kirk seemed to be breezing through the Academy without any difficulties, on track to graduate a year early. She grimaced as he winked at her. Glancing over, she caught Spock's eye, but then looked away quickly and instead focused on Captain Becker's jolly voice asking who wanted to be the first to take the Kobayashi Maru test this year. The faces of the Command track students stared blankly at him. There was a pronounced silence before Kirk stood defiantly and straightened his jacket.

"Sir, I would like to volunteer myself."

Becker laughed happily and his eyes shone mischievously.

"Lieutenant," he said to Uhura. "Put him in the first testing slot."

She rolled her eyes as she punched in his information into her PADD.

"Everyone can sign up at their convenience with my assistant," Becker said lightly. "Dismissed."

He saluted lazily and left the room with a slothful wave to Nyota and Spock.

Students filed out while Nyota and Spock organized their things. Only Kirk seemed to linger.

"So, Uhura…" Kirk began.

"You're not getting my name, Kirk," Nyota said a little louder than necessary.

He grinned wolfishly and ignored her comment. "I haven't forgotten my promise to you."

Nyota froze. "Your promise?"

"Remember? You and me? A bench in the astronomy department?"

Out of the corner of her eyes, Nyota saw Spock look over at her and she felt her face get hot.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"After you bombed your Kobayashi Maru- hey, it's fine," he added after seeing her look of indignation. "It's not like it counts for you anyway."

"Okay, yes, I remember seeing you that day. What promise?"

"I promised you I'd beat the Kobayashi Maru."

Uhura groaned in annoyance. "Yes, I remember. And I remember saying you were an idiot. Apparently you didn't get it the first time. No one beats it, Kirk. Stop being an idiot."

His voice dropped low and his electric blue eyes bore into her. "I will beat it. I promised you. So I will."

She was quiet for a long moment and a part of her almost believed him. He put his hands in his pockets and grinned.

"And when I do, I'll expect to get your name in return."

Before she could snap at him, he jauntily strode out of the room.

The silence was broken by Spock snapping his bag shut. Nyota glanced over at him and saw his level brown eyes watching her carefully. He cleared his throat awkwardly and Nyota tilted her head to the side questioningly.

"I have some of your belongings," Spock said avoiding her gaze. "Which you left behind in my living quarters."

Nyota swallowed and stared blankly ahead. She had been through moments like this before and had been hoping to avoid it. Going to an ex's house to collect a box full of things would only remind her of happier times and how shitty things were now by comparison.

"I suppose if I have had no use for them since, that they are not all that important," Nyota said softly.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. However, if you wish to reclaim your belongings, I have them in my office. I'll be there until four this afternoon."

He left the room without a backwards glance or even a cursory salute. Nyota shook her head and shut down the lecture hall monitor and projection screen. Retrieving her things would mean everything was finally over. There would be no shard of her that remained in his life. It was a fact that she had hoped to avoid, but it was time to move on. With a sigh, she shut off the lights and closed to door. Steeling herself, she walked down the hall to his office. It was a walk she had made a thousand times before, but it had never seemed so difficult. She stood in front of his door and knocked twice. He told her to enter and she cautiously pushed it open.

He glanced over at her from behind his desk as he organized stacks of files. Nyota glanced at them and realized that they were the student files from her year. With a prickling sensation that traveled up her spine, she realized that he was sorting them into ship placement.

"Here," he said softly.

She glanced up at him and realized he was holding out a small plastic bag. She looked inside it as he watched her. Nothing in it was of particular value to her but she smiled slightly at him anyway.

"Thanks," she said awkwardly. "I appreciate it."

"It was of no inconvenience," he said evenly as large brown eyes stared at her.

Nyota had always thought his eyes were his most expressive feature. Yet now, they were cloudy and unreadable.

"So," she said with a sigh. "I guess that's really it."

He said nothing, just looked at her blankly.

She glanced into the bag once more. "I don't know how you could do it," she whispered. "Throw away everything we had together. Just…throw it away so easily."

"It…was the logical choice," he murmured, his eyes softening a little.

Nyota clenched her eyes shut and nodded as she felt a single tear escape from beneath her lid. She opened her eyes widely in surprise when she felt his hand gently cup her face and wipe the tear away with his thumb. He slowly moved to draw his hand away, but she desperately reached out to cover his hand with hers, holding it to her face. She held her breath as her heart pounded. She stared into his eyes and saw a familiar expression. The look of longing – that look of hunger – he always had whenever he came home and she could tell that he wanted to throw himself in her arms, but could not bring himself to do so. She bit her lip and his eyes flickered down to her mouth and stared for a long moment. Cautiously, not wanting to scare him, she moved closer to him, until their bodies were barely touching and she was craning her neck up to watch him look down at her. He closed his eyes a moment and Nyota carefully rose to the balls of her feet to gently press her lips to his. He sighed appreciatively as he wrapped his arms around her and pressed her against him, kissing her deeply. She dropped the bag of her things to the floor and wrapped her arms around his neck as his tongue snaked between her teeth and he became more aggressive. Nyota felt his heart race and heard the blood rushing in her ears as she tasted him.

And for a moment, it was as if everything had been forgotten and they were in love again. In that brief second where Spock let his control slip, Nyota could see that their love was still there. And then, he abruptly pulled away. He held her at arms length as he inhaled deeply and regained his control. And it was over as quickly as it had started.

"This is why," he murmured in a quiet, almost pained tone. "You compromise my self-control."

Nyota sighed unsympathetically in frustration as she shrugged his hands off her shoulders and picked up her bag.

"Oh, come on Spock. Whining about how you lose control around me," She snapped as she headed towards the door. "Don't you get it? That's what love's supposed to do to you."

She didn't stay to see the look of surprise in his eyes as she slammed the door behind her.

Spock stared at the door for a moment before realizing, with wry amusement, that she had forgotten the bag containing her belongings.

**

* * *

A/N: And voilà, chapter 11. I hope you all enjoyed it; let me know what you think! Truthfully, I was considering writing a sex scene during the office bit, but after some reflection, I realized it was a little too over the top considering the characters. Oh well, I'll have another opportunity in the future to write a scene like that. Anyway, on to chapter 12! I think for chapter 12, I'm going to experiment with using less page breaks. I'm curious to see how that'll affect the flow of the story. Hopefully it isn't a disaster. Until next time! Xoxo.**


	12. What You Would Do

**A/N: Woo. Chapter 12, I've had it completed for a little while now, so I was able to actually do edits on this one! Ahh, it was refreshing to be able to not be rushing to get this up. Hopefully it shows in the quality. Anyway, I've outlined the next chapter and started writing, so that should make its way up here eventually. I ****think**** I'm still on schedule with all my writing. So at the moment, I should be able to complete the story within another 3 or 4 chapters. Probably three. I hope you all enjoy chapter 12 and thank you to everyone who reviewed.**

Learning to Breathe - Chapter 12

_"I still love you even though,_

_Your love for me you'll never show._

_Just tell me what you would do,_

_If you were me and I were you."_

* * *

_That's what love's supposed to do._

Nyota's words rang in Spock's head for days. It did not help that he very rarely saw her, and so was left with that memory of their last interaction. He idly tapped the end of a PADD stylus on his desk as he stared at the bag of her belongings. He highly doubted that she would agree to come back to his office to recover them. Moreover, Spock was not certain he would even want her to, given that it was clear being alone with her resulted in his own lack of self-restraint. When they were in a relationship, it had been acceptable. Nyota encouraged it and welcomed it with open arms. Now that they had separated, Spock was finding it more than a little difficult to make the transition back to merciless, unrelenting logic. More so given it was clear that she still cared deeply for him. Spock was not certain of how long Nyota's dedication to him would last, especially in the absence of his positive reinforcement and coupled with the persistent advances of Cadet Kirk.

It seemed that Nyota found him to be absolutely intolerable, but Spock could tell that Cadet Kirk had a certain quality, a sort of passion, that was similar to Nyota's. He was not certain of how long she would resist his advances before she reached this conclusion on her own. And it was making Spock increasingly uncomfortable to see the amount of time Cadet Kirk invested in pursuing her, especially during the time leading up to the Kobayashi Maru examinations. Spock had heard their conversation after the orientation session. Kirk had apparently managed to comfort Nyota after her Kobayashi scenario, whereas after the event, Spock had somehow managed to instigate the first real conflict early in their relationship. Apparently Kirk had promised her that he would beat the program. Spock could not help but derive some sort of grim satisfaction at the knowledge that it was an unbeatable program. Seamless, with no loopholes.

As he saw Nyota shifting in the simulation room, he couldn't help but notice she was displaying signs of anxiousness and discomfort. She was chipping at her black nail polish and her eyes narrowed as she watched Kirk take the captain's chair with a lazy, carefree attitude. He seemed oddly at ease and Spock's curiosity was piqued as he started the timer on the simulation.

Kirk lasted a grand total of 15 minutes and 43 seconds. He received a completely unspectacular score. The simulation had not exhausted even a third of its possible scenarios. The screen went black and Spock watched as Nyota stared at it blankly. It was then that he realized that a part of her had actually hoped Kirk would overcome the scenario. However, her disappointment seemed to transform into hot anger at Kirk for not taking the program seriously and "being a general idiot". Spock ignored the smug feeling of gratification he felt as Kirk's insistence that he would retake the exam fell on deaf ears. It appeared that Nyota's patience for his antics had run thin and the look of rage on her face when he re-registered for the Kobayashi Maru was intimidating to say the least.

And yet again, Kirk failed the scenario. Even though he seemed to approach it this time with a steeled resolve, Nyota was unimpressed. It appeared that she did not readily give second chances. Spock paused as he looked at his PADD displaying Kirk's scores and mused to himself. Spock wondered if Nyota would give him a second chance if he asked for one. He shook his head slightly. He would not ask for one. It would change nothing. It would not be any different. They would still have their old problems, most notably his impending departure on the Enterprise.

If she were to serve on the Enterprise, however…Spock interrupted his own thoughts. It was pointless to pursue that line of reasoning. Her position was fixed on the Farragut. He knew she would undoubtedly be enraged when she learned of her placement. He could not help but feel slightly relieved at the fact that he would already be in active duty by the time she learned of her placement. Her rage would not be something he would enjoy experiencing. And despite her inevitable anger, Spock knew that this was for the best. After all, the Farragut was an excellent ship with strong Communications personnel. She would have great opportunities to learn and excel in her field. On the Farragut, she would undoubtedly progress through the ranks quickly. On the Enterprise, such speedy progression would be unlikely, if not impossible.

Spock tapped the intercom that transmitted his voice into the testing room.

"Thank you Cadet Kirk, for your hard work and dedication in the Kobayashi Maru simulation. Your scores have been updated."

Kirk stared, searching for the sound of the voice before fixing his gaze on the glass that separated the testing room from the control room. Although the glass was currently tinted, Nyota immediately stiffened, recognizing the voice. Kirk's eyes narrowed.

"I'm going to take it again," he said stubbornly.

Spock felt annoyance bubbling in the pit of his stomach, but kept his voice even.

"If you wish to re-register for the exam, please consult Captain Becker's aide," he said with a disinterested monotone.

Nyota rolled her eyes and buried her face in her hands. It was bad enough having to test every student in Kirk's year without his insistence on taking the exam until he beat it. She was quickly growing tired of his persistence.

With clear annoyance, she scheduled him for another exam in the next following days. However, his attitude surprised her. Before, he had seemed to attack the simulation with a reckless abandon. Nyota could now see the gears turning in his head, clearly mulling over the simulation.

"There isn't a point," Nyota said simply as she registered him. "I've tested every single one of your classmates and I know this simulation forwards and backwards. It's a no-win scenario, Kirk. It's not programmed to allow a victory."

His eyes narrowed. "I had that suspicion the first time I took the exam," he mused. "Now I'm definitely certain of it."

Nyota scoffed. "It's not exactly a secret. The point of the lesson isn't whether or not you can beat it, it's-"

"I'll see you around, Uhura," Kirk interrupted. A light bulb had seemed to go off in his head and he hurriedly left the room with a look of carefully controlled optimism.

"What-?" Nyota sputtered as he grabbed his things and left, without even his customary wink.

When he was gone, she smiled wryly and shook her head. Even if Kirk was an ass, he was interesting to say the least. She had a grudging respect for his persistence and determination, even if he had the stubbornness of a dull two year old. Her smile faded as she stared up into the control room. Even if she couldn't see him, she knew Spock was still there, filling out reports and shutting down the program. She couldn't help but wonder if he was staring back at her. Despite the fact that they had been working together for the past couple of weeks testing the cadets, they had not exchanged words since she had attempted to retrieve her belongings from his office. Which, she noted, she had not even successfully accomplished.

Nyota wondered if there was even any point in pining after him like this. As she gathered her things and left, she realized that she didn't know if she would even be able to trust him if he did want to be with her again. Her heart sank as she realized that things were truly broken, possibly beyond all repair. She keyed the code into her room and threw herself on the bed, grateful that Gaila wasn't there to pry.

Gaila had recently been spending long hours in the computer labs. Originally, Nyota had commended Gaila on her dedication to her work, which for the past couple of years, had been severely lacking. Gaila only laughed and responded that there was a Cadet there who she had her eye on. Nyota sighed into her pillow. That probably meant many more nights of being sexiled. After her break up with Spock, Nyota made Gaila promise to stop bringing guys home. Before she would've simply spent the night with Spock. However, that was no longer quite an option.

She breathed in deeply and tried to clear her mind. The only thing that mattered right now was her studies. This was her final year. She was almost done and if she worked hard enough, she was certain she could secure herself a position on the Enterprise. While Spock was responsible for placing students, she was certain he would not allow the bias of their previous history together affect his decision. He was far too logical for that. She was certain of it.

To distract herself from her lingering fears and worries, she resolved herself to spending long hours in the lab. It was the only thing that seemed to calm her. She would work until she was exhausted and sleep came as a brief respite from the hazy days of stress and longing. Previously, she had worked in the communications labs, but she knew Spock frequented those and wasn't certain she was prepared to bump into him. So instead she began working in the long-range sensor lab. She would kill time by flipping through stations, seeing if she could pick up transmissions.

The evening before Kirk's third Kobayashi Maru simulation, Nyota flickered through stations, not picking up anything of interest. She wasn't quite certain if Cadets were necessarily encouraged to listen in on private wavelengths like this, but she figured as an aide, any reprimand she received would be light.

Static gave way to a hazy transmission. Nyota idly checked the wavelength and raised an eyebrow as she realized the transmission was from Klingon territory. She hit the record button, knowing she could translate it later if need be. Frowning, she tried to pick out certain words through the static. It was clear there was some sort of military engagement. Perhaps an unwelcome ship had trespassed on Klingon territory. Frowning, Nyota clearly picked up on the words prison, escape, and Romulan vessel. Then the line went dead as Nyota lost the signal. Frowning, she replayed the recording a couple of times, slowly translating the file through the static. It seemed that 47 Klingon vessels surrounding the prison planet were engaged in a conflict against a Romulan spacecraft. It wasn't odd for military confrontations to take place between the two. After all, Romulan and Klingon relations had been unstable for decades but Nyota found it interesting nonetheless. There seemed to be a frantic edge to the transmissions, suggesting that this happened to be a unique situation. However, try as she might, she could not recover the signal so the specifics of the situation would remain a mystery.

Sighing, she packed up her belongings for the evening to head home. It was a Thursday night and the dorm halls were blissfully quiet. As the door slid open, Nyota checked her watch. It was earlier than she thought. Normally she ended up working into the early hours of the morning. She reasoned she would probably need all the energy she could muster to deal with Kirk's third attempt at the simulation.

She smiled at Gaila, who seemed to be getting ready for bed as well. She was sprawled out on her mattress in nothing but her underclothes and gave Nyota a small smile and a greeting. Nyota began to get ready for bed as she told Gaila about her discovery. Her roommate mused with clear disinterest and Nyota paused as her eyes spotted an unopened condom wrapper on Gaila's nightstand.

"I thought you were going to be in the long range sensor lab all night," Gaila said conversationally.

Nyota raised an eyebrow and stared at the space under Gaila's bed. She glared at her roommate and Gaila gave her a nervous smile.

"Who is he?" Nyota asked flatly.

Gaila smiled nervously and played dumb and Nyota's patience wore thin. She was tired, anxious to get tomorrow over with, and had been in a bad mood ever since she learned that the Enterprise had been completed. The only thing that remained now was staffing it. While normally, Nyota would have left Gaila free to partake in her extracurricular activities, the knowledge that Spock's departure was imminent was rather disconcerting and had left her on edge.

As Nyota pressed the matter, Gaila's man friend rolled out from under the bed and popped up, revealing himself to be none other than James Kirk. Nyota's temper flared as she angrily gathered his things and hurled them at him.

"Big day tomorrow," Kirk said to Nyota. Turning to Gaila he added, "See you around, Gaila."

She smiled slightly and nodded happily, accustomed to Nyota losing her temper.

"You're going to fail," Nyota spat out.

Kirk ignored the comment and conversationally tried to chat about the transmission she picked up in the long-range sensor lab, as if his standing half-naked in her room was completely normal. Nyota slammed the door in his face and turned back to Gaila, clearly unamused.

"He's the boy you've been spending so much time with?"

Gaila nodded happily and Nyota shook her head.

"I don't know what you see in him," Nyota said in annoyance.

"Well," Gaila began. "He's-"

"I don't want to know what you seen in him," Nyota amended. "He's an ass and you need to be careful with him."

"Don't be so nervous," Gaila chided her. "Not all guys are bad. I think he's one of the good ones."

"I don't," Nyota said flatly.

Gaila laughed and ignored the comment.

"Seriously, Nyota," she insisted. "He's nice. He's interested in the work I do in the computer labs. He's not using me for sex. Actually, he's really quite charming once you get to know him."

"I don't want to get to know him. I just want him to give up on the Kobayashi Maru simulation so I can go back to doing my own research."

"Well, tomorrow's his third," Gaila said with a yawn. "How many times can you fail before you realize you're fighting a losing battle?"

"With Kirk? I don't know if there's a limit for him. I don't think he'll accept losing as an option."

* * *

Nyota stared up at Spock's vacant expression. His facial features were carefully schooled into emotionless clarity, but she could see the shock in his eyes. As he stared down at the control room, his eyes narrowed at Nyota's bemused smile. She watched idly as Spock left the control room in what was, to her, clear irritation.

Meanwhile, Kirk spun in the Captain's chair, taking another bite of his apple. He grinned at Nyota.

"Promise made, promise kept," he said with a wink.

She rolled her eyes and stood up to go look for Spock. "You're a cheat," she said making a face.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about," he said loftily.

Nyota shook her head and left the room.

She continued towards the labs. He would probably be in the lab where she held her office hours. It was the least frequented by students and had the greatest number of resources available for research purposes. He had diligently avoided it so far, but she knew that he would find resolving Kirk's inexplicable victory more important than offending her sensibilities.

Sure enough, he was sitting at her workstation, which controlled the entire lab. She leaned against the desk and watched as he tapped the control screen, scanning the program data retrieved from Kirk's simulation.

"Spock, what are you doing?" Nyota murmured.

He didn't look up from his work.

"Nyota," he said with an edge of impatience. "I am aware that my presence makes you uncomfortable. However, I have overarching concerns that are far more important than our personal history."

"Mm-hm," she mused. "And that's great, but doesn't answer my question."

He raised an eyebrow but didn't look up from his work.

"I had assumed you were partaking in the common human practice of saying one thing while actively referring to something else entirely."

"No," she said patiently. "I'm asking what you are doing."

"I am reviewing program code to find out how Cadet Kirk overcame the Kobayashi Maru."

"And what will you do once you find out?"

"I will report him, of course. The case will then be handled by an Academic Hearing."

"And if he's found guilty of cheating?"

"Then he may be suspended or possibly expelled," Spock said with flat disinterest.

Nyota stared at him in alarm. "You would get Kirk expelled?"

"Your phrase "get Kirk expelled" implies that I would somehow be responsible for his actions. These are simply the logical consequences of his own actions."

"There's no need for him to be expelled over your program," Nyota said quietly.

Spock paused and stared at her. "Your judgment of this has clearly been compromised," he said coldly. "There's no point in discussing the matter."

"Compromised? How?"

"You clearly regard Kirk in a much more positive light than you used to. This leads me to the conclusion that you either agree with his actions – which is unlikely given your high academic standing – or you are closer with him on a personal level."

"You think I'm sleeping with Kirk." She said flatly.

He didn't respond, but simply continued to scan through code.

"Well, news flash Spock," she hissed. "I'm not. He's with Gaila, alright? I don't know how long it's going to take to get through your head, but I love you, you idiot, okay? I love you."

The words tumbled out of her before she could realize that it was the first time she had told him that she loved him. He stared at her with wide brown eyes and she inhaled deeply.

"But what's the point," she breathed. "You couldn't trust me when we were together. Why should it be any different now?"

He had no answer to offer her and simply looked back down at the control screen, seemingly indifferent to the fact that she had just confessed her love for him.

"Spock, you're going after Kirk because…what, you're jealous? You think I'm in love with him? I've told you before Spock. There's only you. It's always been you. Kirk doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of your frustration over a choice you made."

Spock paused for a moment and tilted his head, as he seemed to reason something out.

"Gaila," he said quietly.

"Excuse me?" She said in confusion.

"You said she is involved in an intimate relationship with Cadet Kirk, did you not?"

Nyota nodded silently.

"And she works as a computer technician. As a senior cadet, she's undoubtedly been examining Kobayashi Maru program files. Moreover, she has access to the computer technician file data."

Nyota's temper simmered. "Are you accusing her of helping Kirk cheat?"

"She would not have even needed to be complicit in the matter. Kirk would have only needed to gain access to the personal computer commissioned to her by Starfleet."

Her face fell. "I knew that ass was using her," she muttered as she stared at the control screen. "I told her to be careful with him."

She swore colorfully and quickly sent Gaila an SMS.

Spock seemed absorbed as he searched the program code. "If he was indeed using her access to the computer technician files, he most likely uploaded a subroutine, which would enable him to eliminate the shields of the program's Klingon vessels."

Nyota sighed. "Just, think carefully before you ruin this kid's life, Spock. People deserve second chances."

Spock paused as her words hung in the air.

"You have no logical reason to be defending Cadet Kirk," Spock said lowly.

"I'm defending him because I think...I think you're going to go overboard," she said calmly. "I'm not choosing sides here, Spock. Honestly, I'm not."

"Then would you agree to submit a statement to the academic review board?"

"What?" she breathed.

"You are Gaila's roommate. And you are an Academy Aide. Kirk promised you he would beat the simulation. Furthermore, you discussed with him that the program is specifically designed to disallow a victory."

"Eavesdrop much?" she asked scathingly. "And no, I will not help you ruin Kirk's life. He's an ass and I dislike him immensely, but he doesn't deserve that. And don't you dare drag Gaila into this. She's done nothing except be manipulated by Kirk."

Spock looked at her blankly. "She is undoubtedly involved in his actions, albeit unwilling."

Nyota inhaled deeply and calmed herself.

"Spock," she whispered. "I'm asking you this on a personal level – think carefully about what you're going to do. And please, please…don't get Gaila involved."

He watched as she stared at him longingly. She hesitated for a brief moment and then slowly leaned forward to peck him gently on the cheek.

"Please, Spock."

She smiled at him weakly before looking away from him and leaving the room. The door closed quietly behind her as the control panel beeped twice. Spock had managed to locate the most recent change made to the program: the subroutine patch. It was sloppy and poorly written, therefore clearly not the work of a technician such as Gaila. He traced the information. It had come from Gaila's computer, but the virus Kirk used to upload the patch was clearly traced back to his personal account. Spock saved the information and wrote a report, omitting Gaila's name from it. As he amended the original code, he erased any trace of Gaila's specific involvement, while saving evidence of Kirk's account information.

He paused as he hovered over the send button of his report to the Academic Review board. Nyota was partially right. He had an illogical level of animosity towards Kirk. Spock knew that it was because of Nyota. Kirk was overly familiar with her. Spock could not deny he was envious of Kirk's freedom to openly pursue Nyota and only receive chuckles of amusement from superior officers. Their reaction to Nyota's relationship with Spock, however, would have undoubtedly been far more critical.

Spock felt his face warm as he replayed Nyota's words in his head.

_I love you._

He pursed his lips and stared at the report.

_People deserve second chances._

Spock shook his head. Kirk had violated the rules. Regardless of Spock's relationship with Nyota and his current feelings of ill will toward Kirk, this was the logical choice. Kirk had defied Academy conduct and there would be consequences.

Without a single trace of regret, he hit the send button.

_It's always been you._

* * *

Nyota tried desperately to calm Gaila down. The Orion's mane of red curls tumbled around her face as she cried into her hands.

"That ass," she bit out through sobs. "That unbelievable ass."

"I know," Nyota said sympathetically. "He had no right. You should have seen Spock. He's ready to go to the Administrative Board with the information."

"Good!" Gaila shouted. "He deserves it."

"Gaila," Nyota said lowly. "Think for a moment. If this gets out of hand, you could be linked to his actions.

"I had nothing to do with this," she hissed. "And I'll be the first to testify against Kirk. And you better do the same."

Nyota was surprised at Gaila's reaction.

"I don't get it," Gaila bit out. "Why are you being so easy on him? You hate Kirk."

"I just don't think he should be expelled for it, that's all. I think you're a little biased right now."

Gaila scoffed. "Please, you just like the attention he gives you."

Nyota shook her head as she dabbed Gaila's eyes with a tissue.

"Don't shake your head at me," Gaila muttered. "You've been heartbroken after your break up. Kirk makes you feel wanted… He made me feel wanted."

Tears threatened to spill again and Nyota hugged her tightly. Her PADD beeped twice and she broke the embrace. It was a message from Spock.

Submitted the information an hour ago. The hearing is this afternoon; you should receive the notice shortly. Evidence of Gaila's involvement deleted. Neither you nor Gaila will be called to submit a statement.

"The hearing is this afternoon," Nyota breathed. "And-"

"What?" Gaila said with an edge of worry. "Am I in trouble as well?"

"No," she replied with a small smile. "Spock deleted evidence of your involvement."

"Why?"

"Because I told him to," she whispered. "I didn't think he'd listen."

"Great," Gaila muttered. "Now I can't testify."

"That's probably for the best. You and I should both stay out of it. And you should go get yourself cleaned up for the hearing."

Nyota stared at the message as she smiled to herself. She was frustrated that Spock had continued with his decision to attempt to expel Kirk, but she was grateful that he was keeping her and Gaila out of it. Their confrontation had been unpleasant, and she was still hopelessly embarrassed after confessing her love for him, but she couldn't help but smile a bit. It was almost as if his decision represented that he still cared for her, even if it meant his own goal of Kirk's expulsion was compromised.

Still, she couldn't help but dread the hearing. Both the third and fourth years were all assembled. The entire body of upperclassmen sat in an awkward silence as Kirk stood at the bottom of the amphitheatre, opposite the Academic Review Board, answering for his transgressions. Yet he seemed unafraid and unfazed. He simply demanded to confront his accuser. To which Spock, without hesitation, stood and took his place at a podium. They argued back and forth for a while. It was all very pedantic and boring until Spock said something that made Nyota's blood run cold.

"You, of all people should know Cadet Kirk. A captain cannot cheat death."

A murmur passed through the room and Nyota shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Spock had crossed a line. Nyota pursed her lips as she thought that he ought never have said that. He knew that it would strike a nerve. He knew that it would upset Kirk. He also knew that Nyota had experienced a similar loss and that Spock's words would upset her too. She stared at Kirk sympathetically. Perhaps that was why she was being so lenient on him. She and Kirk shared a common tragedy: neither of their fathers had managed to cheat death. She tried to stifle her anger that Spock would bring that up, especially when it had no relevance to the case.

The uncomfortable tension became palpable as Kirk accused, "I don't think you like that I beat your test."

Nyota bit her lip. That was not even the half of it. Kirk, the hopeless idiot, did not have the slightest inkling of the list of reasons Spock wanted him gone from the Academy. While many of those reasons were legitimate, others were far more…emotional in nature. And it was not going well for Kirk. His emotional protests looked flimsy and childish next to Spock's frosty, unyielding reasoning.

There was a brief respite as an aide approached the main dais and passed a PADD to the disciplinary board. After looking it over, the head of the review board cleared his throat, interrupting the proceedings.

Calm silence broke into open panic.

A distress call.

From Spock's home world – from Vulcan.

All upperclassmen were being commissioned for active duty. Nyota's spine prickled as she stared at Spock, whose back was straightened in what she could only guess was alarm, and possibly even fear. She couldn't help but think that he looked like a child – alone at the bottom of the amphitheatre, frozen in shock. She wanted to go to him, assure him that everything would be all right, but she and Gaila were obligated to report to their posts.

In the confusion, they struggled to find the proper hangar but she and Gaila found their post assignments. The woman ran off the role call and starship assignments.

"Go to your stations and good luck," the woman called as she finished the list.

Nyota stood there dumbfounded as Gaila shot her a smile and reported to her post. Nyota was dumbfounded. The Farragut. Spock had assigned her to the Farragut. Nyota knew what she was about to do was against regulation and highly inappropriate given the circumstances, but blinded by indignation, she searched Spock out.

"Commander," she said flippantly. "A word?"

"Yes, Lieutenant," Spock said with an edge, not looking up from his PADD.

Undeterred by his frosty demeanor, Nyota launched into a tirade at all the reasons he was in the wrong for assigning her to the Farragut. She was dumbfounded that he would do such a thing when it was clear that she had earned a place on the Enterprise. She was furious at what appeared to be punishment for their relationship: depriving her of an opportunity she would have otherwise had. He was clearly biased because of this, hoping to push her as far away as possible to avoid his own feelings, to avoid their relationship. It was cowardly and Nyota was shocked that he would go to such lengths to avoid her. Did he really trust her so little? In the confusion of fury and hurt, there were only five words she could settle on:

"I'm assigned to the Enterprise," she grit out.

Spock stared at her and she saw the tired worry in his eyes. He was afraid for his home world and had no fight in him on the matter of her starship assignment, especially when logic dictated that she was correct.

"Yes, I believe you are," he said simply.

"Thank you," she said, a little surprised that it had been so easy.

She watched as he walked away.

"Spock," she called.

He paused and raised an eyebrow.

"This isn't done. You and I need to talk. This isn't over."

He avoided her eyes and nodded. Nyota pursed her lips.

No, it was not even close to being over.

**

* * *

A/N: Chapter 12 – complete! The next chapter is where we start off on the main events of the movie. I'll have to go back and re-watch the movie to make sure everything lines up properly. One thing that always startled me about that movie is that it essentially takes place in one day. It's like, damn, that's a normal day at work for them? Anyway, until next time!**


	13. In My Heart

**A/N: So it's 2AM where I'm at right now, but I was struck with inspiration, so I couldn't stop writing. I managed to get the chapter done, and it ended up being longer than I wanted; I had to cut some stuff out and push some material over to chapter 14. This chapter follows the events of the movie from Nyota and Spock's POVs and behind the scenes events. I hope you enjoy it! **

**Disclaimer: None of the quoted material from the movie is of my own creation and all rights to said material are not mine.**

Chapter 13 – In My Heart

"_I know it's over,_

_But it never really began._

_Because in my heart,_

_It's all so real._"

* * *

Nyota had always loved Spock's hands. It was one of the things she missed the most about him. His hand in hers, or the way he held the stylus for his PADD when he was absentmindedly reviewing papers. She could still feel the way his hands would grasp tightly at her waist when they made love or the way his fingers would trace her jaw line, her lips. She missed the way he would, with the lightest touch, tilt her chin up to kiss him. She missed the rise and flow, the gentle touches. She missed how they would lay awake at night, not saying anything, simply lacing their fingers together in the dark.

His fingers were laced tightly behind his back now in rigid defiance. Nyota could always tell what he was feeling by his hands. Sweeping gestures to would reveal a strong emphasis for a point, despite the most reserved of appearances. Gentle touches would reveal his tenderness, and even his vulnerability. There was none of that here. His straightened back stood at attention and his eyes sparked in tightly controlled anger. At the receiving end of this frustration was none other than the baby-faced James Kirk, who in all his audacity, stood in the middle of the bridge, in what Nyota could only guess was a vaccine-induced feverish lapse in judgment.

"_This Cadet is trying to save the Bridge!_"

Spock wanted nothing more than to remove Kirk. Nyota recognized the look in his eyes. It was the same look when he was forced to do a particularly unpleasant task that he wanted nothing more than to wash his hands of. He wanted to wash his hands of Kirk. Possibly of Nyota too. He had been so quick to send her off to duty on the Farragut, sealing her fate as completely separate from his. And now here she was, in front of him, confronting to full power of his station. He was the First Officer. She was a peon among peons. A worker ant in the innards of the ship. And he was staring at her, waiting for her answer. His eyes sparking with fury bore into her. She found it daunting being confronted with that anger, even if she knew it was tightly bottled. She swallowed and exhaled breathily.

"I intercepted and translated the message myself. Kirk's report is accurate."

Nyota met Spock's eyes and she saw his frustration falter for a moment and his lips tightened in grudging acceptance.

"The Cadet's logic is sound. And Lt. Uhura is unmatched in Xenolinguistics; we would be wise to accept her conclusions," he said finally.

To be perfectly honest, Nyota was surprised that Spock relented to her so readily. It was just like before when she demanded to be placed on the Enterprise. When push came to shove, it seemed he folded to her without protest or complaint. She wasn't completely certain if it was because he knew she was right or if he felt guilty for how poorly he was handling the delicate situation between the two of them. Or perhaps he still didn't know how to say no to her. It seemed that when it came to his rules, his logic, Spock had always been willing to bend them for her. Their eyes met for a brief moment and Nyota felt a moment of awkwardness as he watched her closely for her reaction. Her eyebrows twitched and he regarded her impassively. She could not help but still be angry with him. She wandered to his side as Captain Pike interrogated his Communications officer.

"You're not going to threaten to remove me from the bridge too?" she muttered to him quietly.

"That would be illogical," Spock said lightly.

She grit her teeth. "Oh?"

"Indeed," he responded quietly. "Your presence on the bridge has only served to illuminate the current situation."

"And Kirk's?"

Spock went silent and Nyota huffed quietly as Captain Pike paced momentarily.

"You, Cadet, you speak Romulan?"

Taken a back, she hesitated for a moment before responding, "All three dialects, Sir."

"Relieve the Lieutenant," he said shortly.

He turned his back on her and returned to his chair while she stood there in shock. She stared over at Spock whose hands hung limply at his sides.

"Like I said, Lieutenant," he murmured faintly. "It would be illogical to remove you from the bridge."

Numbly, Nyota took her new post. She had just been elevated to the highest position she could hope to achieve. In a single heartbeat, her entire life's work had unfurled itself before her. She placed the earpiece in her ear and heard it buzz as she flipped through frequencies. She bit her lip as she stared at Spock, at the post next to hers, and he met her eyes warily. They both knew what this meant. They were now equals. All the struggles they had been through, the difficulties of their differences in rank had just been wiped clean. The only thing standing between them now was themselves. Their own problems. Their own fears.

Nyota frowned. She could not locate any Romulan transmissions. More disturbing, she could not locate any Starfleet transmissions.

"Sir, I'm not picking up transmission of any kind in the area," she said breathlessly.

Spock and Captain Pike shared a look as Kirk muttered something that Nyota didn't register. She continued to flip, almost frantically, between stations. There was nothing. Complete radio silence. She felt panic bubble inside her as she thought of Gaila. She had been assigned to one of the fleet ships that had been sent ahead after the Vulcan distress call. If Kirk was right, then the lack of transmission meant only one thing: they had come under attack and had been seriously compromised. If this was the case, how many escape pods had they managed to send out? If any? If there was not even time for a distress signal, what hope was there for actually evacuating the ship?

"Arriving at Vulcan in 4…3…2…1…"

Nyota held her breath and felt her heart race. She stared over at Spock and his eyes met hers. For a brief moment, time slowed to a standstill. And then with a heavy lurch, reality set back in and the bridge room flashed an angry red. They had warped into a field of debris. Nyota's stomach lurched as she realized what it was. She was currently staring at the hull of the USS-Mayflower. Gaila. Nyota shut her eyes tightly as Sulu awkwardly maneuvered them through the battlefield. Nyota sat back at her station and replaced her earpiece as she tried to remember the engineering layout of the Mayflower. It consisted of a single primary hull, shaped like a saucer. The docking port was located on the forward section of the ship with escape pods located around the edge. It was primarily a patrol ship, meaning while its defenses weren't as sturdy, it allowed for easy docking and evacuation. Desperately, Nyota sent out a transmission to any possible escape pods. The bridge lurched as they sustained attacks by the Romulan ship. She didn't understand how half the fleet, half their graduating class, could be wiped away so easily.

"Shields at 32%. We can't take another hit like that."

Nyota held her breath. For the first time, she was scared. She could die. Her classmates had been killed. The fleet had been destroyed. And now the weapons of the enemy ship were pointed on them. She bit her lip as she attempted to send an outgoing message to the rest of the fleet based in the Laurentian system but paused with a frown.

"Spock," she cried, frantically reaching out to the first person that came to mind. "I need you to confirm something for me. We seem to have lost communications."

"They've lowered a high-energy pulse device into the Vulcan atmosphere. Its signal appears to be blocking our communications and transporter abilities," he said evenly.

She stared at him in fear. They had no communications to contact reinforcements and no transportation capabilities of any kind. They were going to die. She looked at Spock. His brown eyes watched her softly as he sighed lightly. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. It couldn't be over. Them. Their lives. Together.

Her eyes snapped back to her screen.

"Captain, we're being hailed," she shouted loudly.

She didn't wait for Pike's response as she patched him through. The one responsible for the attack on Vulcan. Responsible for destroying Starship's fleet.

Nyota watched Spock warily, who stood in stiff defiance as he stared at the sneeringly smug Captain Nero. Spock was clearly displeased when Pike agreed to come aboard the Narada to negotiate a cease-fire. Even if Spock was a reluctant participant in his friendship with Christopher, he could not help but be disturbed by the miniscule survival rate that the situation promised. If Christopher were to board the Narada, it was highly unlikely that he would ever leave. Yet Spock could not deny that the current strategy would enable the disabling of the drill that was threatening his home planet. The situation, as undesirable as it was, dictated that the needs of the many outweighed that of the few. So he grudgingly followed Christopher through the ship as he rattled off a list of instructions and orders, most likely his last.

"Spock, I'm leaving you in command of the Enterprise. Once we have transport capabilities, communications back up, you'll contact Starfleet, report what the hell's going on here. And if all else fails, fall back, rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system. Kirk, I'm promoting you to first officer."

Spock's ears rung as he numbly protested, failing to conceal his confusion and frustration. Christopher was well aware of Spock's opinion of James Kirk. He was also probably very aware of Spock's guilty hope that Kirk would not return from this mission either. And yet, Christopher brushed off Spock's protests and left with a cheeky grin and a nod, before disappearing from view. Their years of friendship had come down to this one singular moment and Spock wondered exactly what one was supposed to say to a man who was going to his death. He was unaware of human protocol regarding such a circumstance, or if one even existed. Spock simply raised his eyebrow as he saw his friend for what he realized was most likely the last time as he wondered how much more would be lost today.

Spock could not help but wonder if Kirk would be one of the conflict's losses. After all, had Kirk not been revealed as academically dishonest, he would have been one of the many ships destroyed by the conflict with Nero. Naturally, Kirk had not been given placement on the Enterprise, despite Captain Pike's insistence. Kirk should have still been on Earth. Far away from the Enterprise, Spock, and Nyota. The Cadet was not cleared to be on board the ship and had exhibited nothing but the highest level of unprofessionalism. And now he was the First Officer. An equal. Spock's skin prickled uncomfortably.

Nyota, too, was now an equal. Spock could not help but wonder if Christopher had intentionally promoted her so readily. He was aware that Spock and Nyota had terminated their relationship, and was mostly likely aware as to the causes for that falling out. It was as if, with that one simple action, Christopher had wiped that slate clean and offered Spock the second chance that a part of him had been craving. Spock was all too aware that there was very little standing between them. Only the complications of Spock's own creation. The responsibility of the situation was his, and the weight was oppressive.

And yet, he could not help but reason that there was hope for the relationship. After all, Nyota had made it all too clear that she was uninterested in Kirk. In fact, she had seemed mildly disgusted by the idea, and by the idea that Spock would be jealous. Spock was disgusted with his own sentiments of resentment. Yet despite his best efforts, it was an emotion he was having great difficulty controlling. It seemed that the situation would be far simpler if Kirk were not to return from his mission.

However, the mission was ultimately successful, even if it had been conducted sloppily and with casualties. Yet Spock did not have time to ruminate over Kirk's inexplicable survival. He instead focused on Ensign Chekov's report.

"…that will consume the planet," he finished awkwardly.

"They're creating a black hole at the center of Vulcan?" Spock echoed numbly.

He frowned and attempted to get the ringing in his ears to cease. Without a single word, he numbly pushed himself out of the captain's chair and headed to the bridge's exit. Nyota stood, concern clear in her eyes. Her lips parted softly and Spock cut her off.

"Alert Vulcan Command Center to commence a planet wide evacuation. All channels, all frequencies."

She ignored his order and demanded where he was going. He pursed his lips as she stared up at him with wide brown eyes that showed fear, concern, and what Spock anticipated was love.

"To evacuate the Vulcan High Council," he murmured.

Spock did not quite believe that his planet would be destroyed. His history, his life, his people. It would all be wiped away. Erased from existence. The only thing he could do now was try to save the essence of his homeworld's culture. The responsibility pressed down on him and he could only hope Nyota would understand, that she would not demand that he stay, because he found that he still did not know how to say no to her.

"I must get them myself," he breathed.

She simply nodded with a quiet understanding that spoke volumes. She knew that this was something he needed to do, and she knew how it was tearing him apart inside. And yet, Nyota could not help but feel her stomach tying itself into knots. How many times could one brush with death before the inevitable? Nyota knew Spock was struggling within himself. That was why their relationship had crumbled. That was why he had tried to send her away. Had he succeeded, she would be dead right now. The hair on the nape of her neck stood on end as she returned to her post. She followed his orders and alerted Vulcan Command Center and proceeded to send out transmissions on every possible frequency. But in the corner of her screen, she kept his frequency open, monitoring his signal with fear and anticipation.

Her station beeped twice. It was Kirk's frequency. Frowning, she patched him through and almost had to yank her earpiece out as he hollered about falling without a shoot. Without hesitation, Chekov gave over control to the new Chief Science Officer who had taken Spock's station now that he had been elevated to captain. He frantically scrambled from the room as the wide-eyed girl stared worriedly at her screen.

"The black hole is expanding," she whispered with palpable fear in her voice. "We won't reach minimum safety distance if we don't leave immediately."

Nyota bit her lip. It wasn't the most encouraging news, and it was even more concerning watching this girl's nerves. She was fidgeting and playing with the hem of her skirt anxiously and Nyota wasn't sure if she wanted to see how this girl would react in the middle of a crisis. The Narada was leaving the area, but she continued to chew on her lip and nervously twirl a lock of hair around her finger.

Ignoring the girl's nervous tics, Nyota focused back on sending out radio messages to any possible surviving escape pods from the Federation Vessels and Vulcan. Now that communications were back up and the Narada had left, if there were any survivors, they would now be able to attempt to make contact with the Enterprise. Nyota held her breath as she waited.

And waited.

Her monitor beeped once. Then twice. Then again and again.

They were morse code messages. After discovering that communications had failed, they had attempted to send out morse code signals. There were a total of 21 escape pods waiting for word from the Enterprise, 12 of which were survivors from the Federation ships. 8 Federation vessels had been destroyed and only 12 escape pods remained. Of all the lives lost, a scant hundred remained. If they did not dock with the Enterprise immediately, they would be lost.

Nyota frantically sent out word to docking bay and instructed all escape pods in the area to dock immediately. There was no time left. Not for the Enterprise, and not for Vulcan either. She anxiously watched as the docking bay slowly counted off the escape pods that limped to the Enterprise. Nervously, she overlooked the reports that docking bay sent back, scanning through the crewman identification numbers and their status. She paused and her breath caught in her throat.

2530012 – critical condition

Gaila. She closed her eyes and breathed in raggedly. She was alive. Barely. But alive. She didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry.

Her earpiece buzzed.

"Spock to Enterprise. Get us out now!"

She sighed. He was alive. He was safe.

"No! _No!_"

She frowned and opened a new window. Wide-eyed, she stared at the screen. Chekov had failed to transport everyone. With everyone on board, the Enterprise began leaving the area as Vulcan crumbled, imploded, and disappeared as if it had never existed. In her ear piece, she heard Chekov's weak voice.

"I've lost her. I lost her."

Nyota's ears were ringing. It could mean only one thing. Spock's mother. His human mother. The woman he loved more than any in the entire world. She was gone.

* * *

The Enterprise floated lazily in space as they crew began making repairs to the ship in order to rendez-vous with the rest of the fleet in the Laurentian System. The work was moving slowly given the number of casualties. Three-fourths of the graduating class had been completely wiped out. The planet of Vulcan and its inhabitants. And yet she could only think of Spock.

Naturally, she wanted to see him immediately. She knew he would be in sickbay, being looked over, and talking with the Vulcan elders. So despite the amount of work she had to do, Nyota left her post to head there. When she was arrived, she was surprised at the state of it. Crowded, noisy, with staff that was clearly stretched thin. She stopped a blond nurse, whose delicate features were pulled into a frown. Even in the middle of a crisis, covered in sweat and flecks of blood, she was remarkably beautiful, with light golden hair pulled into a feminine braid. But despite ethereal appearances, the pale beauty wrinkled her freckled nose disapprovingly at Nyota while asking what she wanted with clear annoyance.

"I'm looking for Captain Spock," Nyota said mildly.

"And I'm looking for a syringe, gauze, and alcohol swabs, so you'll have to find him yourself," she huffed.

The young girl's pretty face grimaced as she turned to go.

"Wait," Nyota pressed. "A cadet should have come in here from one of the escape pods. An Orion. The report said she was in critical condition."

Bright blue eyes softened slightly and pursed pink lips parted to sigh.

"Yes, she's here. Still critical. The medical bay has been damaged in the confrontation with the Narada, so we're not able to give her all the attention she needs. If we had all of our equipment, we'd be able to stabilize her, but it's very touch and go at the moment."

Nyota ears rang.

"What are her injuries?"

"I can't disclose that information," she sighed. "You'll be able to see her once her condition is stable."

The girl's peach pink cheeks pulled into a weak smile as she bustled off, leaving Nyota standing in the middle of a crowded medical bay, but feeling more alone than ever. She numbly stared at the medical beds as the smell of disinfectant burned in her nostrils. She wandered aimlessly, searching for Spock, but instead found someone she did not expect. The young Ensign Chekov lay on a bed, partially hidden by a curtain. She gently pushed it aside. He didn't move and kept his face buried under his arm. Pausing for a moment, she tentatively sat down on the chair next to his bed.

"Pavel?" she asked gently, dropping the formalities.

Wordlessly he lifted his arm and slowly turned his head towards her, his empty hazel eyes staring blankly back.

"Ms. Uhura," he murmured softly.

"Are you unwell?" she asked slowly.

"No," he muttered thickly. After a long pause, he finally whispered, "Yes."

"What happened?"

"I lost her," he said in a low, accented lilt. "Captain Spock's mother. I lost her."

Nyota sat quietly for a moment and didn't say anything.

"I'm so getting fired for this," he sighed.

She smiled weakly. "You did what you could."

"It wasn't enough," he said shakily. "With Kirk, I had enough time."

"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.

He propped himself up on his pillow.

"I was able to beam Kirk out because I calculated the coordinates for beaming faster than the computer."

Nyota stared at him. "But, the computer couldn't even lock on them. How were you even able to personally beam them?"

"The computer's abilities were compromised by the singularity. I did the math in my head," he said with a shrug. "They were falling for long enough where I could do the calculation. With Captain Spock's mother-"

"You didn't have the time to," Nyota finished weakly.

He nodded and shut his eyes tightly.

"I don't think I've ever felt this old," he said with a bitter laugh.

"I don't understand what you mean," Nyota replied.

"I'm 17," he said reluctantly. "I've been a student at Starfleet Academy since I was 14."

She stared at him blankly.

"But I can't help feeling…"

Nyota covered his hand with hers, cutting him off.

"It's not your fault," she said emphatically. "It isn't. You've been performing admirably."

He stared at her hand and smiled sheepishly. Returning the smile, she stood and released his hand.

"You should come back to the bridge. There's a lot of work to be done. We could use your help."

His green eyes watched her for a long moment and then with a sigh he nodded and pulled himself from the bed.

"I'll see you on the bridge, Ms. Uhura."

Straightening his uniform and steeling himself, he returned to his post. As he left, he pushed the curtain aside and Nyota's breath caught as she spotted Spock on a medical bed a few meters away. He sat numbly on the bed, staring blankly at the white curtain that almost completely shielded him from view. The blonde nurse Nyota had spoken with was tending to him. Frowning, she approached the bed and raised her hand to move the curtain aside.

"I'm so sorry, Spock," the nurse murmured softly. "And you know, you can simply call me Christine. I'd like you to call me by my name."

His face remained blank, even as she placed her hand over his.

"That would be inappropriate, Nurse Chapel," he said evenly.

"Would it be so inappropriate?" she murmured, moving close to him, tucking a loose strand of golden hair behind her ear. "I'd like to be your friend, Spock."

Nyota bit her lip in frustration, but said nothing.

"I appreciate the sentiment, Nurse Chapel," he replied despondently. "However, I have duties that must be attended to. If you require nothing further, I will return to the bridge."

He stood and she sighed.

"Of course," she said gently. "I understand. Please don't hesitate to ask if there's anything you need. Anything at all."

He nodded and pulled the curtain aside. Raising an eyebrow, he stared down at Nyota.

"Lieutenant Uhura," he said calmly. "I was not aware you had suffered any injuries during the confrontation with the Narada."

"I haven't," she answered awkwardly. "I was looking for you."

He nodded. "I understand. I will return to the bridge now. There is no need for concern."

Nyota hesitated, unsure of whether or not Spock should be returning to duty so shortly after experiencing such a profound loss.

"If you need…I mean, if you'd like to stay," Nyota said slowly. "I understand."

Spock's eyebrows twitched and for a moment, Nyota swore she saw a flash of anger and frustration, but it disappeared quickly.

"I have no need nor desire to remain in medical bay," he said mildly. "I will be returning to the bridge. You should do the same."

He left the room before she even had the chance to respond, leaving her in an awkward silence with Chapel. Nyota stared at the pretty nurse in a long sideways glance. The girl wrinkled her delicate nose as her electric blue eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"What?" she asked in annoyance. "You think I am being unprofessional?"

"I don't believe I said anything of the sort," Nyota responded awkwardly.

She pursed her lips and frowned. "I took a course with Spock last year," she said off-handedly.

Nyota offered no response.

"He was always…what I mean to say is…he's special," she said finally.

"He's the Captain," Nyota said bluntly. "If you'll excuse me."

Nyota left the Medical Bay as quickly as she could. Her heart was racing. She inhaled deeply and attempted to calm herself as she settled into her post. Gaila would be okay. Spock would be okay. Everything would be okay. She bit her lip. Nyota had not expected to feel such a gnawing feeling of jealousy in her stomach. The pretty, young, Nurse Chapel. Former student of Spock. Nyota felt such a hot anger towards the girl. Yet, if she was what he needed…that was why she had said he could stay in Medical Bay if he needed to. Yet he seemed to react with such frustration. She did not know if it was because of the insinuation of her acceptance of the situation, or because she doubted his current emotional stability. She had come to be able to have a good sense of Spock's feelings, even if he never showed them. And now he seemed like he was being held together by the weakest of seams. He was clearly stretched thin. She had never seen his breaking point, and this might be it. She had never seen him seem so fragile. It made her heart hurt. As she watched him input his report into the Captain's log, her heart ached for him.

"I am now a member of an endangered species."

He pushed himself from his chair and headed towards the exit. The day was long over and the bridge was clearing. Spock left without a word. Concerned, Nyota stood to follow him, quickening her stride before he closed the lift door. They stood in silence and Nyota saw him watching her in the corner of his eyes. She recognized that look. She had seen it countless times before. It was that look of uncontrollable hunger when his emotions bubbled close to the surface. It was rage, passion, and sadness all at once that were so close to being loosed. He had pushed her away because he couldn't keep it bottled around her. Nyota felt the ever-widening gap between them, but leaned over to press a button. The lifted slowed with a gentle whirr before lurching to a stop. Spock looked down at her, raw emotion swimming in his pupils and Nyota reacted how she always had whenever she saw that look in his eyes. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around him tightly and pressed her lips to his.

He did not seem surprised by the kiss and didn't protest or refuse the advance. She only felt him sigh against her lips as if the tension of the moment had finally been broken and he was overcome with relief.

"What do you need?" Nyota begged. "Tell me. _Tell me_."

His arms were still wrapped around her and she could hear the breath catch in his throat. He knew what it was he needed and so did Nyota. He only needed to say it, and everything would be perfectly mended. Not a seam would remain.

But instead, he hollowly whispered, "I need everyone to continue performing admirably."

The words left his mouth weakly and Nyota's heart sank as she felt tears come to her eyes. He was so lost and she could feel him falling apart and slipping away. He pressed the lift button and it continued its descent. He left the lift without a single look back, looking as pale as the moon and about as reachable.

_You_.

That was the only word he needed to say. The only words she needed to hear.

_I need you_.

Nyota stood in the hallway and watched him go, and tried to shake the image of his lost, vacant stare. Her heart thundered loudly in her ears as she blinked away the tears that clouded her vision.

"Ah hem," a delicate voice piped.

Nyota turned to stare at one of the last people she wished to see at the moment. Dainty blond eyebrows were raised challengingly as powder blue eyes stared knowingly at her.

"And here I thought you were all about professionalism," her voice challenged.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nyota said flatly.

Her pale pink lips pursed tightly as she stared disapprovingly. Nyota realized that staring longingly at Spock in the middle of a crowded hallway with tears in her eyes was probably not the most discreet action. Yet, she was not anticipating plucky blonds with all-too-obvious crushes on the ship's captain to be standing there watching her.

"Is there something I can help you with, Nurse?" Nyota asked, emphasizing the last word more than was necessary.

"It's about your friend. The Orion? She's stable. She's not conscious or anything though. She has serious injuries and we're keeping her in a medically induced coma until we can have access to the equipment required to care for her properly."

Nyota immediately took off for the medical bay at a sprint, ignoring the huff of indignation at her sudden departure.

The medical bay was now empty, save for those with serious and life-threatening injuries. Dr. McCoy sat at his desk, behind two very high piles of medical files.

"Doctor," she said breathily.

"That's me," he said not looking up from his PADD. "What do you want?"

"I'd like to see a patient here. Gaila. She's Orion."

He paused and shook his head. "No, you wouldn't. Trust me. Her injuries are bad. You don't need to see her like that."

Nyota hesitated. Despite his gruff tone, it was clear he was telling the truth.

"What is her status?" she breathed.

"I can only release that information to her Commanding Officer or family."

"She doesn't have any family," Nyota said flatly. "She has me. Just me."

He put down his PADD and his eyes flickered over the medical bay and up to Nyota's eyes. He rubbed his forehead and sighed.

"Well, it depends what problems you want to hear about first. There's the deep tissue burn problem, the broken bones problem, and the substantial loss of blood problem. Not to mention she's now probably partially blind in her left eye. Whatever she went through to get onto that escape pod, it wasn't easy."

Nyota felt her eyes water, so she didn't dare say anything, knowing she would cry if she tried.

"We're keeping her on pain meds and in a coma so she's not in any pain," he offered. "We're working on getting all of our equipment up to speed and then we'll be able to take care of her properly. I can keep you posted on any changes in her condition."

Nyota was grateful she couldn't see the look on McCoy's face through her blurry, watery vision. Whether the look on his face was judgment or pity, Nyota didn't want it. She didn't want any of it. There was only one thing she wanted right now. One person. Spock.

Stumbling from the medical bay, with her hazy vision, she wandered to halls of the ship. It was dinner time now and everyone was undoubtedly in the mess hall or in their living quarters, preparing for their attempt at a rendez-vous in the Laurentian System once the necessary ship repairs were made. After about an hour of meandering, Nyota found herself in the hallway for the living quarters of the ship's commanding officers. Where she now lived. At the end of the narrow corridor was Spock's room and Nyota was surprised to see Nurse Chapel there, whispering lowly to Spock.

"I care for you Spock," she said emphatically. "The human you, the Vulcan you. I know you feel, even if you hide it. You do have feelings. I know you must be hurting now. It must be torture…I'd like to help."

Nyota held her breath as Spock responded too lowly for her to hear. His door slid shut and locked with a resounding click, leaving Christine Chapel standing alone. She whirled and stared at Nyota angrily.

"What?" she hissed angrily, blue eyes watery with tears.

Nyota didn't bother responding. She felt numb and the only person she cared to talk to at the moment was Spock. Nyota stared down at Chapel's red face until she moved aside. Without a second of hesitation, Nyota typed in the key code for the door, which she knew would be the same as his living quarters at Starfleet Academy. She did not even look back to see the expression of angry indignation that she received as the door slid shut behind her.

Spock was sitting on the edge of his neatly made bed. He said nothing and did not meet Nyota's eyes as she silently walked towards him.

"Have a nice chat with the Whore of Babylon?" she said bitterly.

"I assume you are referring to Nurse Chapel," he responded evenly, staring at the floor.

"Indeed," Nyota said with an edge of resentment.

"I informed her that her advances towards me were inappropriate given the circumstances."

"And yet it's never stopped you before."

"I assume you are alluding to yourself," he said flatly.

"Indeed," she repeated.

"Nyota," he murmured. "You are surely aware that you were – are – a special case, though I will not deny that I find your jealousy intriguing."

Nyota chewed on her lip in annoyance.

"Why have you come here?" he whispered weakly, as his façade of detached vigor crumbled.

She sat down next to him with a sigh.

"Because I love you," she responded honestly.

"Please, don't –" he said haggardly.

She stared at him questioningly.

"You are aware of how difficult it is for me to be in your presence, Nyota," he muttered. "Given the circumstances, it is taking substantial effort for me to maintain my self-control-"

"Then don't try to," Nyota interrupted.

His deep brown eyes finally looked up at hers and she could see he was in despair. She gently reached up and put her hand on his face and lightly ran her thumb across his cheek. His eyes fluttered close for a moment and he sighed appreciatively. Nyota could see the vulnerability through every breath, every moment. He was being held together by only the weakest of seams. She softly tilted his head towards hers and he leaned down to kiss her. Gently and weakly, he enveloped her tightly in his arms as he lay down on the bed.

"I do not know how to say no to you," he murmured, more to himself than to her.

"You had been doing a fairly good job of it until recently," she responded. "Why, Spock? The Farragut? I would be-"

He squeezed her tightly, cutting her off.

"I am aware, Nyota," he whispered. "Please do not speak of it. It is not something I wish to think of at the moment. Had I lost you –"

He cut himself off and breathed in raggedly and he finally spoke the words Nyota had been waiting to hear.

"I need you, Nyota."

She buried her face in his chest.

"I know, Spock," she said softly. "I know."

**

* * *

A/N: Chapter 13, fin. I have Chapter 14 outlined already, so it shouldn't take ****too**** long to write everything out. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that the overlap with the movie wasn't excessive. I tried to find a good balance between movie events and my own. I also hope that there aren't a ton of mistakes, it is past 2AM right now, so this may not be my best material, or at least not as good as I think it is in my sleep-deprived state. Let me know what you think!**


End file.
